“You could have done so much better than him.”
Me: Mom, I’m right here.
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A guy just said he wants to know what I got “in the trunk”
I told him duct tape, a shovel and rapid decomposition powder
Flirting is hard
Just overheard my 6-year-old son ask Alexa, “Alexa, is there anyone my dad could beat up?”
Me : I just ELECTROCUTED myself
Wife: How SHOCKING, how do you CURRENTLY feel ?
Me : I’m kind of AMPED.
Wife : WATT, I can’t hear you
Me : I said it HERTZ a lot.
Just saw a woman in Starbucks who was 10% scarf and like 90% boot.
Neighbours kids just challenged me to a water fight.
I’m just tweeting while I wait for the kettle to boil.
The only thing worse than getting caught sneaking alcohol into the house by your wife is being called amateur by your teen son.
Waiter: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: just cheese dip
Waiter: ….
Me: With a straw please
Interviewer: It says here you’re good with ‘grammars’?
Me: Very yes.
Authors subtitle books “A Novel”. Why don’t we subtitle other things? Fast and Furious: A Movie. Broccoli cheddar casserole: A Recipe.
My husband complained that I never do a Sunday roast so I’ve spent the last hour writing jokes about his bald spot, his skinny legs and the fact that he can’t grow a beard.
Her: Stop telling my friends you’re a faith healer
Me: Did I or did not cure a ham last week, Linda?
*has argument with husband*
*brings up all the dumb shit he said in 2011**adds “Historian” to bio*
Forget being the bigger person, I’m going to just start barking at people
Wife: I have to go to the store. Need anything?
Me: I need a Valentine’s Day card for you. Get something nice but not too pricey.
Wife: Yep
I don’t always leave the house, but when I do I shouldn’t.
Me: [dies in the living room]
Dad: He never liked following directions
My wife always nags me and it’s annoying. “Stop chewing so loudly”, “Why don’t you replace the toilet paper roll?”, “Wake up hurry, my water broke!”
My resume is really just a list of things I never want to do again.
damn boy, are you a horoscope? because i’m selectively focusing on the parts of you that make sense for me
Day 3 in the desert: I have somehow gained the respect of some birds as they are circling above me in some sort of protective formation
Kids are fun cause they tell you sweet things like mom you should bedazzle that pimple.
I’m really proud of myself for getting the daily requirement of produce stickers in my diet today.
[BAR]
Me: What do you recommend?
Barkeep: Moscow Mule, Mojito, Old Fashi-
M: [Puts finger to his lips] which tastes the most like Capri-sun?
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*Wife (out of breath): Thanks for holding the elevator open
Me: No problem
in the song “the final countdown” they do not actually count down, thus invalidating the basis of the song. furthermore,
Why is it when someone asks if you’ve lost weight you immediately feel like eating a dozen donuts to celebrate.
Unpopular opinion but siren songs low key kinda slap
ⓘ 𝗧𝗵𝗶𝘀 𝘂𝘀𝗲𝗿 𝗶𝘀 𝗹𝗼𝘀𝘁 𝗮𝘁 𝘀𝗲𝗮
Anyone can beat a polygraph.It doesn’t even have hands.
I don’t sweat Friday13. I’m not superstitious. I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of teenagers, then chill
The real danger of running with scissors is that a rock might fall on you.