“You could have done so much better than him.”
Me: Mom, I’m right here.
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Alien: This is candy corn?
Me: Yeah
A: But it doesn’t look like-
Me: I know
A: And it tastes like-
Me: I know
A: So this is kinda like grape soda
Me: There ya go
I’m not saying it’s been a while, I’m just saying I completely blanked on the name of my gym
It’s the year 2354, the world is now like that futuristic Bruce Willis movie.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No,
[sylvester stallone hides behind something in a movie]
me to no one: they don’t call him sly for nothing
Wife: We’re supposed to get 8-10 inches tonight. Me: That’s what she said. Wife: Can’t you do any better than that? Me: That’s what she said
older woman => young dude: cougar
older man => young women: manther
older man => younger men: faguar
older woman => younger women: sheetah
I am the King of the Universe and I have a son and he occasionally appears on grilled-cheese sandwiches. #yup
Helpful tip: Don’t write out your grocery list while watching a true crime documentary on a husband-murdering wife, or your husband might think you’re taking notes when he walks into the room.
Remember that decades long January? We didn’t know how good we had it.
Ken is short for chicken
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
If a dude can be CEO of three companies at the same time that just says to me CEO isn’t a very demanding or important job.
My second child was so overdue, when we left the hospital we dropped her off at kindergaten.
I am scared of asking people how old I look cause the idiots might guess correctly.
Me, for fun: What do you think you want to be when you grow up? Teacher, engineer, doctor, lawyer…
8, angrily: I have told you many times I WANT TO DELIVER PIZZA.
Me: Well, that’s considerably less stress. And tuition.
Champagne says I’m classy. Vodka says I can do anything I want. My therapist says I have to stop talking to my drinks.
I don’t always try to use big words but when I do, I accidentally tell a mother her toddler was a necrophiliac today instead of narcoleptic.
Maybe she was born with it, maybe she was forged in the fires of Mount Doom.
[office]
Me: Happy Black Friday!
Latisha: …
Me: I made a cake!
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: It’s chocolate.
Phil Collins’ “In The Air Tonight” is the best ever song about a silent but deadly fart.
He’s eating a burger and fries all nom nom nom and I’m over here eating a salad all non non non.
Perks of being an adult: Nobody will stop me from eating an entire cake.
Cons of being an adult: Nobody stopped me from eating an entire cake..
me: you guys sell gift cards?
funeral parlor director: what?
all the apology videos are terrible because the people capable of writing a good apology are on strike.
we will divorce one (1) billionaire every week until our demands are met
Squirrels run around looking for food because they don’t have access to technology and the endless supply of nuts on Twitter.
anyone know what happened at the 2nd noel?
Joined a band called The Upholsterers. We do Furniture covers.