YOU COULD HAVE HAD “MERRY SIPMAS” OR “HAPPY HOLATTES” ARE YOU KIDDING ME WITH THIS SHIT RN
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Lady t-rex: I’m tired tonight, take care of yourself.
Dude t-rex: 😑
i haven’t been able to stop thinking about this for days… what did he mean… what does he know
My kids: Papa, we’re pretending we are hurricanes!
Me: What do you mean by pretending?
Angel: welcome to heaven
Me: holy shit
Angel: ooh you swore get out
Devil: welcome to hell
Me: holy shit
Devil: ugh u said holy get out
ME: [trying to console a friend whose house has been demolished] Cheer up, bulldozing is the sincerest form of flattery
Glen Powell is short for Gleneth Powelltrow
“Money doesn’t grow on trees” is something rich people say so you won’t find their money trees.
“I am inspiring” -Russian guy who’s about to get kicked out of his spy ring
Me: You can be anything you want when you grow up
Son: I want to be a dinosaur
Me: I meant like a job. Like you could be president.
Son: I want to be the first dinosaur president
You: Sitting down to eat
Me: *hovering* Sooo…are you gonna finish that?
if you’re literally asking me to choose between our relationship and my career as a reporter well then I’ve got some news for you
Someone gave me a gift and I just found it on a Gifts for Grandma list. This hurts.
A first kiss so tentative and awkward, you regret all the time you spent practicing on your beagle.
Did I just say that out loud?
How can kids be so dumb and so brilliant at the same time? My son can’t say “oatmeal,” but he calls it “eatmeal” before I serve it and “atemeal” once he’s done.
Me: Like Icarus, I flew too close to the sun.
Wife: You singed your eyebrows using the deep fryer. Again.
Preteen: mom whyyyyyy do I have to take a shower
Also preteen: *takes 45 minute shower*
*butterfly climbing out of chrysalis*
oh my god I’m turning into my mother
Start a slow-clap in a quiet, crowded room. The first person that joins you, marry them. They’re your soulmate.
HIM: I wanna be more than friends.
ME: You wanna be BEST friends?
(first date)
Her: I love Star Trek
Me: Me too!
Her: What’s your favourite part?
Me: *sweating* uhh when the stars go trekking!
“I hate karaoke.”
“It’s pronounced kah-rah-oh-keh.”
“Now, I hate you too.”
If you made her sweat, sweat till she can’t sweat no more, perhaps you should have taken a water break. Dehydration is dangerous.
Nobody:
4-year-old: Can I call people peasants at school?
I assume the #1 reason people change their identity is b/c they answered “You too” when the barista said “Enjoy your bagel.”
I just turned my desktop keyboard upside down, shook it, and a taco salad fell out.
At least it tasted like a taco salad.
I asked my students today if they had heard Maggie Smith passed away, completely forgetting I had a student named Maggie Smith, who happened to be absent
Shout out to the top 5 markets in the world, stock, super, Boston, flea and this little piggy went to.
i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial district & all i could think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
Flushing my dead goldfish down the toilet. I am kicking this addiction for good
Interviewer: says here you have a military background
Me [getting out my phone]: yeah but I changed to a picture of my dog eating spaghetti