Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: hey there’s a bloody oar in the water

friend: that’s foreboding

me: I know what they’re for

My girlfriend is always yelling at me because I get my directions mixed up.

So I packed my bags and right left away !

The Kool-aid Man: [down on his luck] screw it, I’m going to become a swear jar

How selfish am I? Circus peanuts and black licorice are my favorite candies just so I never have to share.

Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”

“Daddy, I-”

*presses button for soundproof backseat divider

Wife: “HOW MUCH DID-”

*presses button for soundproof passenger seat divider

Brands during Pride

when a man describes himself as “old-fashioned,” it means he drinks craft beer and wears a tweed jacket. when a woman calls herself old-fashioned, it means she’s secretly a powerful witch who hunts murderers at a haunted bed-and-breakfast.

*a tear runs down my cheek*
someone ripped my self portrait
*a tear runs down my cheek*

Legos cost way too much for smthg I still have to put together myself

GENIE: 3 wishes. But no extra wishes & no sex stuff

Me: why not?

GENIE: I make the rules

ME: I wish I made the rules

GENIE: …dammit

The only thing left for CNN to do is drop Wolf Blitzer in the Indian Ocean and see how long it takes to find him.

*quietly adjusts thermostat*

my husband from a hotel room 2800 miles away: whatcha doing?

“I’m in the best shape of my life!” -Newborn baby

My bf just had me “stay alive” in his game while he went to the bathroom and I died immediately

midwife: “congratulations keith, you have a baby boy, he’s exactly 7 pounds”
me: [looks at my wife as i pat my pockets] “i didn’t bring any money”

My body is like my phone battery. Usually drained by 4pm.

Capricorn is just regular corn wearing cute little short pants.

12 yr. old daughter: My friend Samantha said she thinks you’re handsome.

Me: Aww. That’s cute. How about her mom? Has she said anything?

OTHER BOY: why are we all here anyway

ME: I think it’s for the milkshakes

LACTOSE INTOLERANT BOY IN THE YARD: oh no

Do not ask me to cheer you up. I will take you to a bar and ruin both our lives

An 8 year old just asked me why people in electric cars don’t get electrocuted when it rains and now we’re checking Google

interviewer: can you explain the 5 year gap in your resumé

me: yes

interviewer: are you going to?

me: no

Whenever I’m having a bad day I think “Goddammit if a baby can hold their head up, then so can I.” Then I pee my pants and scream cuz that’s also what babies do.

My kid convinced my husband to get her trail mix without the nuts and the dried fruit, so I confiscated the bag of m&ms and ate them myself

Don’t eat sugar, don’t drink alcohol, don’t eat saturated fat, wear sunscreen, drink plenty of water, moisturize, and exercise….

And you’ll be the healthiest corpse in the morgue.

WHY ARE THEY STILL PLAYING CHRISTMAS COMMERCIALS?

Me watching recorded TV shows

Typing
your tweets
like this doesn’t
make them
poems.

Me, after seeing photos of myself: Maybe I DO need to exercise and eat healthy.

Also me: *double-fisting two glasses of chocolate milk at midnight*

“Where is your god now?” I like to shout at children with paper cuts.