YOU COULD HAVE HAD “MERRY SIPMAS” OR “HAPPY HOLATTES” ARE YOU KIDDING ME WITH THIS SHIT RN
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Flowers bee like
me, at burger king: before we begin this transaction i would like to introduce you to my hamburger advisor
cashier: okay, what would you like to order?
my hamburger advisor: {whispers to me before turning to the cashier} we would like to see the hamburger first
Me: *giggling* No you hang up first..
Pizza hut: Sir, please stop doing this..
The most valuable lesson I learned from Hey Arnold is that it’s okay to punch mouth breathers in the face.
The main reason I don’t own a gun is because I would shoot people who scare me when they sneeze.
my 80yr/o grandma is on facebook & she is a living click-bait article, she didn’t even tell me what to do with it
My dentist has decorated his office with pictures of teeth he has worked on, thank god my gynecologist doesn’t have the same decorator.
Lionel Richie: hello.
Adele: it’s me.
Lionel Richie: is it me you’re looking for?
Adele: I was wondering if after all these years you’d like to meet?
Lionel Richie: holy shit *covers phone* now what the hell do I say?
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
Before you try to convince me that people aren’t really all that dumb let me point out that TikTok has a “no filter” filter
The waitress brought me pulled pork sliders instead of beef sliders so I showed her who was boss
By quietly finishing my meal and tipping 30%
I’d probably hike more if there was a lemonade stand every mile or two that served burgers.
Dumped girl on The Bachelor: “What’s wrong with me?”
Well, Lindsay, you’re on a TV show to find a husband. What ISN’T wrong with you?
Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?
Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.
Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.
*at the confessional
Priest: .’..and do you repent? Do you plan to repeat these sins?’
Me: ‘You mean, like, ever?’
I wrote: You’ll always have a place in my heart.
AC sent: You’ll always have a place in my hearse.Now “staying friends” seems unlikely.
[superfriends lunch]
BATMAN: There’s an underwater nuclear threat
SUPERMAN: Aquaman, go!
AQUAMAN: [stares at watch] Gotta wait 30 minutes
[blind date]
Him: what are you looking for in a partner?
Her: someone with serious ink
Him: *opens overcoat to reveal a range of 18th century fountain pens*
Her: [whispering] holy shit
Make your daily standup meeting shorter
People who go jogging, you realise we have cars now, right?
Guy at the urinal next to me was pee moaning so loud, I thought he was going to breakout into an Adele song.
receiving reports today that there are “some men” who sit to pee. these men are not real men. real men lie down.
doctor: i’m sorry but you only have a few more years left to live
me: oh my god. you’re lying
doctor *shows me a chart of global warming* i am not
I downloaded Google Wallet but there was no money in that one either. wtf
Wait!! There’s a box??? 😂😝
5: mom! daddy is smoking a brisket in the kitchen!
me: daddy smokes meats outside in the smoker. If he’s in the kitchen, he’s burning a brisket
Sign at work today
They say, “don’t hate the player, hate the game,” but I’ve got enough hate to do both.
MASSEUSE: I’m sensing a lot of stress
ME: [thinking about my car full of bees] Work
Mob boss: fellas, restrain him
me: you can’t restrain me if you’ve never strained me
Mob boss: and gag him