you could hypothetically power a vehicle using a strong enough hot dog gun
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SON: What’re you doing?
ME {scribbling maniacally on a sheet of paper}: Trying to find a solution to global warming!
SON: Cool
ME {slamming fist on the table}: That’s it!!
Every surgery is exploratory if you’re confused enough
My 7 year old asked me if I’ve ever experienced hallucinations, which is an odd thing to ask considering I don’t have any kids.
Art: Stop it.
Life: *mockingly* Stopp iiit.
Wife: I think my husband is spying on me.
Friend: You’re probably overreacting.
Me: *dressed as a bartender* Can I get you ladies a drink?
Tomi Lahren is pretty confident for a person whose first and last names are both misspelled
constantly torn between wanting to eat snacks and wanting to look like one
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
Of course I’ve slept in the wet spot
My ex drooled like a Komodo dragon
[watching This Is Us]
*leaning over to partner*
Me: That is them.
Me watching any ad in 2024: How is this ad an ad for the thing it’s an ad for?
At the beach I saw someone in regular clothes, no towel, no beach gear, sleeping face down in the sand. Wasn’t sure what I was looking at. “Do I call the cops? I don’t have any bars and it’s a long walk to the car. Oh good, she rolled over.”
“Can you cook dinner tonight?”
Can’t. New meds say I can’t operate any heavy machinery and that stove doesn’t look light
who called it hell and not heaven’t
You can’t hurt me. You’re not my mouth full of ice water after chewing mint gum
I was 15 before I got glasses that let me actually see the puck on televised hockey games. Before that, I thought it was just MMA on ice. Anyway, happy Canada Day, my friends to the north.
“It’s possible to touch birds!” I say suddenly. My coworkers stare at me. I wander outside to touch some birds.
ME: [slowly heating water containing frog]
WIFE: what are you doing!
ME: [adding bubble bath] Ribbit Downey Jr had a stressful day
My cat just knocked over my coffee mug and looked at me like it was my fault. How dare I put it on the edge of the table?
[Zoom call]
Boss: What do you think?
Me: [going to the bathroom]
Boss: Can you hear me?
Me: [getting another beer]
Boss: I think he’s on mute.
Me: [getting chips]
Boss: Hello?
Me: sorry I was on mute
Me: so every time I work out I reward myself with a cookie
Them: isn’t that kind of defeating the…
Me: NOBODY ASKED YOU BRENDA!
The IBS drug commercial that mentions “urgent diarrhea” implies there’s also a laid back, non-urgent form of diarrhea that I’ve never had.
I grew up so poor our dog could only get one rabie.
I’m going to write a comic book about a superhero whose superpowers include super speed, teleportation, and surprising unsuspecting citizens with mimosa stations.
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
A reporter is just a porter who forgot to get all the bags the first time
I couldn’t bear it anymore. Lol.
– Bear suicide note.
Had a med school friend who was super obnoxious about momming better than the rest of us because she made all her own baby food. But she used mainly carrots and sweet potatoes and ended up turning her baby Oompa Loompa orange.
It has been years and it never stops being funny.
I Tokyo drifted around a corner on black ice this morning and now I gotta swing back home for some fresh underwear happy Friday
The good news is, Tony Abbott says Australia may have spotted two pieces of the plane. The bad news is, Tony Abbott says a lot of things.