Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*sleeping*

Heartburn: LIKE HELL YOU ARE

sometimes killer whales hunt moose, and if that doesn’t scare and confuse you, it probably should

Word of the Day: No

Please use it in a sentence: No.

the coronavirus pandemic taught me that life is short and politicians are willing to make it shorter

I wonder who pays the electric bill for the light at the end of the tunnel.

At dinner last night two women asked to take my husband’s picture. I said, “Why? Who do you think he is?” And they said, “Aren’t you Gabe from Top Chef?” and my husband said, “Bon Appetit!” and smiled for the picture.

This man can’t even make scrambled eggs.

The thing that makes me suspicious of hair ties is you have either 25 of them, which show up on every surface of the house and the bottom of your bag, or zero. There is no in between.

Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids

From /u/rocketman on r/antiwork: “Thought of you guys when my manager handed me this. I laughed out loud.”

“Dave, don’t, he ain’t worth it bro”

A patient buying cigarettes from his hospital bed, 1950s

dad: *holds up condoms* what are these

son: …

dad: *pulls out matches* you’re gonna smoke every last one

My wife had a tick on her. It wasn’t attached though. The whole thing was very zen

Not to brag, but I’m NOT going to buy a fitness machine, like a Peloton, only to have it turn into a clothing rack.

I’m going to eat until I reach the point where I, myself, am the large, stationary clothing rack in the corner of a room.

me: *summoning the hotdog demon by nailing a shitload of hotdogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*

hotdog demon: *sigh* not you again

me: [stroller shopping] how much for this one

clerk: do you have a baby

me: would you accept cash instead

Husbands and wives who never fight,

How does your house get cleaned?

SITCOM IDEA: Career criminal who keeps getting arrested because he hires an official photographer to take pictures of him doing his crimes.

I thought stacking Oreos and displaying them in a decorative jar was a great idea, but I’m just eating them instead.

Microwave safe? It doesn’t seem like a sensible place to keep your valuables.

I hope the rapture makes the line at the dinner buffet shorter.

Nobody on this train is decent enough to give up their seat for a pregnant woman & now I gotta stand here w/my sweater balled up in my coat.

Me: What’s for dinner?

Her: Chinese.

Me: I will make the Duck Sauce.

*catches duck
*fires up juicer

when someone asks me my body count do they mean like ted bundy or stormy daniels.

The “bangles to politicians” insult says “come be weak like women because the weak wear bangles”. No thanks, “self-proclaimed real men”.

In Bakersfield, California, it is illegal to have sex with Satan without a condom.

[first day as a doctor]

Welcome to the hospital! Can I take your order?

my cousin went to pride years ago and threw up on someone on a ferris wheel- fast forward 10 years, him and his husband were talking about pride and his husband told him a story about when he was thrown up on at pride- my cousin threw up on his husband 5 years before they met

Rabbits who hang out in indie pet stores are hopsters.

Me: I dangle gummy worms out of my bathing suit bottoms and wear a sign that says, “Early bird gets the worm.”

Priest: Super weird, but not a sin.