You could make dinner for a toddler, or you could just cut out the middle man & throw away a plate of food and squirt ketchup on the dog.
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It’s amazing how eating such a small amount of dog food can cause such a large amount of concern from the people at the pet store.
1st date:
(don’t let her know how self centered you are)Me: what’s your favorite thing that I’ve said so far tonight?
I said goodbye to everyone at a party and then mistakenly walked into a closet and was too embarrassed to walk back out so I live here now.
Instead of saying “I’ll use the wheelchair ramp,” I like to say “I’m hitting the slopes.”
[guy next to me at urinal]
“Is that a 5 or 6?”
…about 5-1/2 I guess.
“Really? (looks at iPhone on my hip) Can I see it?”
*zips up* No.
I’m old enough to remember when Oreos came in one flavor: “Oreo.”
Jeff Bezos has dropped to 3rd place in the world’s richest person rankings after being replaced by an Indian billionaire. Please visit our bio for the link to Bezos’s GoFundMe page. ❤️
Slapping the TV remote on your knee extends the battery life.
It’s science.
“You have $400. Your boyfriend texts and says he needs $200 and your ex texts and says he needs $100. How much you have left?”
Me: $400 and 2 unread messages
Why pink camo? Do people hunt barbie jeeps or try to sneak up on pepto bismol?
If I ever get remarried, I am walking down the aisle to the theme song from Jaws.
started wrapping my pills in cheese
A Brit accepting a compliment:
“I like your coat”
“What? This old rag? Don’t be silly. It cost 2p. I’ve had it ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s a load of tat. Thank you, though!”
Ain’t no panic like when you think you’ve misplaced your driving cheese.
When humorists pole-dance it’s called a comic strip.
You should be my grillfriend. Not a typo, girl. You’re hot enough to cook meat on.
[at party]
friend: is dave coming?
me: cool dave or dave who likes watering holes & has amnesia?
Dave: well, well, well..who do we have here
TOP PLACES TO DO KARATE IN FRONT OF:
1. Sunset
2. Crashing waves
3. Dad’s grave (as casket is lowered)
4. New stepdad’s face
5. Quiznos
“I don’t want a boyfriend.” -woman who wants a boyfriend who isn’t me
My brother said he wants to have eight or nine more kids. I said, “Wow, instead of having nephew, I’ll have neph many!”
He said, “You’re living proof that uncle jokes are even worse than dad jokes.”
No…no. Just leave your shirt here and let’s go look for Bigfoot.
~ whiskey
Me: I’m going to mall
Wife: For what?
Me: Oh, you know. To, um, shop
Wife: So, you’re NOT going to stand at the top of the escalator saying “wow, that escalated quickly” to everyone that gets off?
Me: I thought I asked you not to bring that UP.
When your house haunted but you got nowhere else to go
Zeus: And I will call it, “Pegasus”
Me: *Crossing out “Mareplane”* Oh yeah no that’s great
sugar glider wrangler
Pregnancies really fly by when they are someone else’s
Sometimes when my cat is sitting on a chair, I sneak up, shake the chair hard, yelling, “EARTHQUAKE!” Sadly, like many, she’s not prepared
How come when our phones fall, we panic, but when our friends fall, we laugh.