Coffee is cheaper than bail
Starbucks – You sure about that?
You could make dinner for a toddler, or you could just cut out the middle man & throw away a plate of food and squirt ketchup on the dog.
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This woman ahead of me…Will. Not. Shut. Up. Never mind. That’s a mirror.
I have discovered that theirs no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess there’s no point in bothering with hash browns then.
Husband: *buys her flowers*
H: *buys her jewellery*
H: *starts extreme couponing*
W: *gives him all the sex*
5: when you laugh your head off does it grow back?
Movie Exec: Give me 3 realistic ideas or you’re fired
Me: A rat becomes a chef
Movie Exec: ok
Me: A dog plays basketball
Movie Exec: Good
Me: A main character has a bottom row locker at school
Movie Exec: Get out
There are 2 kinds of people in this world:
1. People who aren’t good with numbers
Me, 48 hrs after agreeing to let shit go: “Okay, lemme ask you somethin-“
netflix: *bursts through door while i’m using the bathroom* ARE YOU STILL WATCHING?!
Arnold Schwarzenegger’s Terminator is a drapery salesman in the new movie.
His new catchphrase?
“I’ll be back….with some swatches I think you’re just going to LOVE.”