You could make dinner for a toddler, or you could just cut out the middle man & throw away a plate of food and squirt ketchup on the dog.

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This woman ahead of me…Will. Not. Shut. Up. Never mind. That’s a mirror.


I have discovered that theirs no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess there’s no point in bothering with hash browns then.


Husband: *buys her flowers*
Wife: No
H: *buys her jewellery*
W: No
H: *starts extreme couponing*
W: *gives him all the sex*


Movie Exec: Give me 3 realistic ideas or you’re fired

Me: A rat becomes a chef

Movie Exec: ok

Me: A dog plays basketball

Movie Exec: Good

Me: A main character has a bottom row locker at school

Movie Exec: Get out


There are 2 kinds of people in this world:

1. People who aren’t good with numbers


Me, 48 hrs after agreeing to let shit go: “Okay, lemme ask you somethin-“


netflix: *bursts through door while i’m using the bathroom* ARE YOU STILL WATCHING?!


Arnold Schwarzenegger’s Terminator is a drapery salesman in the new movie.

His new catchphrase?

“I’ll be back….with some swatches I think you’re just going to LOVE.”