You could murder someone in California and they wouldn’t even arrest you as long as you properly composted the body.
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Summer vacation would probably be a little more relaxing if these kids were vacationing somewhere else.
Me: Gimme that bread, daddy
Priest: It’s Father
welcome to Olive Garden! when you’re here, you’re family. sit up straight. have you gained weight? why can’t you be more like your sister
Why don’t adult cereals come with prizes?
A pill organizer
Post it notes
Vouchers for gas
…And so on.
GOD: no work on the sabbath or I’ll kill you
ISRAEL [hasn’t had a day off in 400 years]: awesome!
GOD: what
ISRAEL: we mean…oh no so hard
I’ve opened a gym called Resolutions. It has exercise equipment for the first 2 weeks of each year, then becomes a bar for the remaining 50.
If you think Pi is 3142, then you’re missing the point.
Me: Almost time to sign about us All Hanging Signs.
Her: Um, you mean Auld Lang Syne?
Me: Well, this is embarrassing. I mean, you should learn the words if you’re going to sing it babe.
“I’m a night owl”
all owls are night owls. you are a regular owl.
It’s getting close to resolution time so I’m stockpiling now
[First date]
Him: Can you pass the-
SOMETIMES WHEN I SLEEP ON MY STOMACH MY CAT LIES ON MY BACK LIKE A TINY SURFER
Not sure which is more alarming: English wine or English bears?
The next time someone sneezes, please don’t say ‘God bless you.’
I just…I just need a day off from the sneezes, is that too much to ask?
If you’re willing to wait long enough, a closer parking spot near the gym will open up and you can let someone else have it while you go get donuts.
Anyone know any Sausage Biscuits looking for a job?
You know what’s better than therapy? Nothing. Go to therapy.
“omg you’re a paramedic! what’s the worst thing you’ve seen?” bro my paycheck
My 8-year-old correctly used the word “aesthetic” in a sentence.
When I asked her where she learned it, she said YouTube.
That site is ruining her life. It’s turning her into an English major.
After saying something bold, scandalous and outrageous always follow up with, “That’s right. I said it!” Otherwise they’ll mistakenly believe what you said was dull and hardly worth saying. Just more of the pointless droning , on and on, they’ve come to expect from you.
An app that lets you book a house without the owner’s permission, call it AirBnE
Why no, Google Maps, I don’t want to save 4 minutes on my trip by driving through the Mines of Moria, but thank you very much for asking.
PATIENT: I bet medical school was pretty tough
DR DOG: yeah I remember one time I did an assignment 4 times bc I ate the first 3 copies lol
ME: *using a ouija board* Are there any spirits here?
OUIJA BOARD: No.
ME: I don’t believe you.
OUIJA BOARD: That seems like a you problem.
Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: In a mirror probably unless new technology exists.
[interviewer thinking] holy smokes he’s good
Spring of Deception
One of my firmly-held beliefs is that every one of us has driven off with something on our roof that wasn’t supposed to be there, and another is that we’ve all seen a car in traffic with coffee, a briefcase, or a purse on the roof and wondered what kind of idiot does that.
sweet dreams💖
My family is “sick of all the same old meals” so I’ve compiled this delicious list with all their other suggestions:
1.
2. I mean, whatever.
3.
4. No. Not that.
5.
6. I don’t really care.
If I ever visit Japan, the first thing I’ll do is run through those paper walls pretending I’m the Kool-Aid man.
Shia LaBeouf always manages to come back into our lives at the exact moment we forget how to spell his last name