You could murder someone in California and they wouldn’t even arrest you as long as you properly composted the body.
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I’m no kind of intellectual, but my sister-in-law asked if “Edgar Allen Poe wrote the Romeo and Juliet book” and my kids share that family’s genes.
Hey Shakira, I get it. With all of these nachos and tequila, my hips don’t lie either.
Don’t call me honey or baby if I don’t know you.
I’ll marry you and move my mother in with us and then you’ll be sorry.
Me: YAY! Nice weather is finally here!
Weather: Here are some mosquitos to fight off while you mow your lawn.
Got banned for life from McDonald’s for asking the cashier if the Filet-O-Fish was made of Mc-Erel
Gilmore girls is a fantasy about living in a walkable community
Friend: If someone broke into my house, my dog would rip them to shreds.
Me: If someone broke into mine, my dog would make a cheese plate and open a nice bottle of wine.
You know that you’re officially lost when you turn down the car radio and take off your sunglasses.
The year is 2057. iPhone 742 is released. The screen touches you.
it’s time for some pepper spray
-me, in a crowded elevator
At the beach I saw someone in regular clothes, no towel, no beach gear, sleeping face down in the sand. Wasn’t sure what I was looking at. “Do I call the cops? I don’t have any bars and it’s a long walk to the car. Oh good, she rolled over.”
Hello OnStar? Yes I have an emergency. My wife thinks Pikachu is better than Squirtle. I left her at a gas station. Can you go get her?
A journal of my lactose intolerance called Dear Diarrhea.
My inexpensive home security system…
Don’t look at this picture. You will have nothing but questions:
All I’m saying is once your kid passes first grade you can stop spending $$$ on school pictures. Second grade and up always gets their pictures taken after recess.
Right, that’ll keep the plane spotters away from the bottom of the runway, next job…
“911 what’s ur emergency”
This guy’s not breathing
“Did u send him ur vibes?”
Yes I been sending em
“I’m sending some too”
Okay he good now
If you didn’t want a doll made entirely out of my hair then maybe you shouldn’t have liked my selfie
Things that don’t exist:
1. Fairies
2. Elves
3. Gnomes
4. Trolls
5. Whatever item my wife sends me to the grocery store to get
People say “loose lips sink ships”. But history would confirm it’s definitely icebergs
[guy in charge of naming superheroes]
Superman, next
Batman, next
Wonder Woman, next
Aquaman, next
*takes a hit of acid*
Green Lantern
WHAT DO WE WANT?
RACE CAR NOISES!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM??
NEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW
The most important thing I learned from working at the bank is which lollipop flavor tastes the best.
“You drive me to drink!”
-I shout at my taxi driver.
BREAKING: Hillary Clinton concedes election to Donald Trump, saying “I just can’t see how I can win after Scott Baio endorsed Trump.”
Indiana Jones: why does it have to be snakes
Ron Weasley: why does it have to be spiders
me: why does it have to be family get-togethers
i set my alarms extra early to make sure i have enough time to lay in bed and be angry about having to wake up
Kissing a girl usually tastes like 3 bottles of wine, not cherry chapstick.