Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I need a way to keep fit that will make me look like a crazy person so no one will approach me while I do it.

-inventor of powerwalking

H: Let’s watch a really scary movie.

Me: Good idea.

[starts playing movie “Parenthood”]

When you’re totalitarian but still want people to have choices…

At the end of first grade, my teacher said “your handwriting was pretty good, at the beginning of the year” and that is how I learned about backhanded compliments

The children were nestled
all snug in their beds
until they had to pee
get a drink
show me they can whistle
and ask me if birds have teeth.

*entire building at my work loses power*

*I run all the way to Linda’s office*

Remember when you said light up shoes were a dumb idea?

aiming to be more of a grinch this christmas (exclusively hanging out with my dog and complaining when the neighbors get too loud)

How the hell did we sit cross-legged all the time as kids?? I just sat cross-legged to play with the dog for a few minutes and I guess I live down here now because there is no coming back from this.

HIM: What do you think happens to us when we die?
ME: Funerals, you idiot.

I recently learned that German Chocolate Cake is made with coconuts. Not everyone likes coconuts. Not one person at the party we were at liked that cake I got. Especially not my wife, whose birthday we were celebrating.

I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5

Wait for it! 🤣👏😝

My 4yo pretended she was a hired cleaner yesterday as. As she helped me clean she asked if I had any kids. After telling her about my 2 I asked if she had any of her own. Turns out she has 5 kids and has been married to a man named Carlin for 30 years. You think you know someone.

I work in manufacturing. A guy is downstairs adjusting a machine, and apparently someone brought him the wrong parts. I just heard him yell, “Your nuts are too small! Gary has some extra. Go grab his nuts!”

My kid says that I make the best brownies in the world, so I told her that some day she can make brownies as good as mine and now I’m praying that Duncan Hines doesn’t go out of business before then

Him: why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?

Me: *covered in peanut butter and bird seed* it sure is a mystery.

It’s strange that watching paint dry is considered boring but going to an art gallery is considered interesting. That’s just watching paint that’s already dry.

Ever notice how people who say “Better to ask for forgiveness than permission” never actually ask for forgiveness, either?

Me: *rips pants bending over*

Toddler: Daddy! You’re so strong! You ripped your clothes like Hulk!

Me: Uh. Yep. That’s me. Same thing. Just like the Hulk. Indistinguishable.

Toddler: *proudly tells everyone I’m like the Hulk because I rip my pants all the time*

Me: *dies*

Intimidate your opponent by fielding a team of flying monkeys

I bet that cop who went down the slide real fast has some relatives who have been waiting MONTHS to get to roast him to his face today.

Male writers often compare women to dessert foods. E.g. ‘She had brown chocolate eyes and cherry red lips.’ Whereas, they tend to describe men using savoury foods. E.g. ‘His leg was like a massive baguette.”

Next time someone comes over to hold my newborn I’m going to ask them to unload the dishwasher and put the laundry away first

Daughter: Mommy, where does lightning come from?

Me: Well sweetie, when you don’t clean your room, the universe gets very very angry…

I SHOULDN’T NEED TO BE A GODDAMN COMPUTER SCIENTIST TO SET THE CLOCK ON A COFFEE MAKER!!!

Oh, wait, never mind…I got it.

who called it an infinity scarf instead of a scaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

Wife: I’m leaving you

Me: *Removing my guinea pig’s party hat and covering its ears* On Guineth Paltrow’s birthday?

Sure I feel bad for Marty McFly having to take his mum to the dance so his parents meet, but poor John Connor had to send his mate back in time to bang his mum or he wouldn’t have been born

there are only 2 kinds of mayors: the kind you hate for ruining your city and your job and your life. and dogs

when your food arrives but you have to wait for everyone else at the table