you could not pay me to delete this app
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Will you be my 14th most used emoji?
Of course I consume a lot of carbs. I don’t want to get decarbohydrated.
kids are fun because the only time they stop eating is when you put effort into making meals for them
I got a book from the library about oils and lubricants…
It was in the non-friction section.
When I was a kid, I had this game called ‘Worm Church,’ where I’d bring Worms to my room and read them the Bible.
Plastic silverware: because the only thing I hate more than poisoning the environment is washing dishes.
Your honor, if you watch the tape in reverse you can clearly see the officer planting the evidence in my vehicle.
We need to drop all our differences and unite against our common enemy: mercury in retrograde
you don’t understand, mom, those are my emotional support boxes of miscellaneous junk that I need to store unopened in your basement for somewhere between 3 and 35 years
Staring out into the horizon..
Me: this is so peaceful, tranquil & romantic
[Bf holding up a stuffed lion]
Bf:Ah zabenya za dabib du da
SEXY POTATO: Hey buddy, my eyes are up here, and over here, and down here, and around here and
[Dating in 2009]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: I’m calling the police.[Dating in 2019]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: Oh my gosh, how do you pick just one, right? Hahaha!
HERE GO MY IMPRESSION OF COMEDY SPECIALS:
JOEY TRUTHBOMBS – “TELLIN IT LIKE IT IS”
I have 2 speeds- the slow southern girl sashay and the is that the ice cream truck outside?
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
#BrexitIn5Words
He’s just not into EU
You want to make them feel welcome but not so much that they’d want to come back any time too soon.
Socialising is hard.
Council: We’ll pay you 30 pieces of silver.
Judas: Never. He’s my friend.
Council: …and an iPad.
Judas: I hate that guy.
Every time I hear someone say “The Lord works in mysterious ways,” I picture him performing miracles while doing the robot.
job interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness
me: that I need money. imagine if I was adequately funded? my god. the carnage
Hey where’s Brian?
“Oh he’s taking a p_ _p”
A what?
“Um dropping a d_ _c_”
Huh?
“Taking a sh_t….Uhh Cr_p!”
Oh! He’s evacuating his vowels?
So basically what I’m saying is that Face Off is misleading and the movie should be called Ha Ha Got Your Face FBI Man
My husband: Do you really need another pair of black pants?
My husband’s closet:
Show me a parent who has given 2 choices for dinner & I’ll show you a kid who picks something that wasn’t even an option
Doggy day care is like a regular day care except you have to enter from the rear.
Girls have Galentine’s day but I just gave my buddy a 12 pack of beer and called it a dozen broses.
[blind date]
Him: what are you looking for in a partner?
Her: someone with serious ink
Him: *opens overcoat to reveal a range of 18th century fountain pens*
Her: [whispering] holy shit
If you’re on the fence about having kids, repeat “Put your shoes on, please” 100 times in a row until you’re in a blinding rage & see if it’s right for you.
Technically, all the money I have ever spent on food has been flushed down the toilet.