you could not pay me to delete this app
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Why do people talking about legal matters use the term “in a court of law?” In the context of your very legal story, Karen, what the hell kind of court did you think I was imagining?
There’s no rule that says only fruit can be put in water infusers. But let me tell you, people get real weirded out when you put beef jerky and cheese in there.
My milkshake brings all the boys to the graveyard and they’re like AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Coworker: did you have a good weekend?
Me: obviously not since I came back to work.
[speed dating]
Me: Periods.
Her: Huh?
Me: Do they go inside the quotation mark or outside?
Her: In the US or the UK?
Me: Let’s get married.
I wrote “Clarence sale” instead of “clearance sale” and now there are angry old ladies here looking for a husband.
5-year-old: *walks up behind me when I’m on the computer* What game are you playing?
Me: Pay the bills.
5: Are you winning?
Me: No.
[crime scene]
Boss: What do you think happened here?Me: The killer obviously rearranged the bodies to fit inside these chalk shapes
Boss: We drew those
Me: Another good theory
There are exactly two (2) kinds of names in DnD
1) Ephena Solancae Diuturna of Theviara II
2) Smork Dirtbag
[getting pulled over]
Me: R u a bear cop?
Bear cop: Is that a problem?
Me: As long as you’re not a maul cop
*mauls me for bad pun*
Overheard 2 dad’s at the playground wondering if my kid was as creepy as me.
Joke’s on them. I don’t have kids.
There’s a tornado warning and we’re about to hop into our blow up pool. If you see us fly by, please don’t hesitate to say hello.
Coffee: Because when you’re groggy and barely coherent, the first thing you should do is handle a scalding hot cup of liquid.
She tells me to live in the present then gets upset when I don’t remember our anniversary, pick a lane.
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
i am only capable of working on things in zero stress or extreme stress situations, in all other situations u can find me laying down and patiently waiting until extreme stress kicks in
No, it’s totally fine grandma. Nobody else needs to use the stairs today
[chef interview]
BOSS: Are you familiar with kitchen jargon
ME: Yeah, that means you’re missing a jar
Her: “Add insult to injury why don’t you”
Me: “Your broken leg looks fat in that cast”
My cat attacked me for trying to help her, and I’ve never understood a creature more
If you only see two signs about a raccoon room today, make it these two.
“Its swimsuit season” I whisper, eating another swimsuit
For most people when you lose your “khakis” you’ve lost your pants.
When you’re from Boston & lose your “khakis” you can’t start your car.
I just spent more time trying to get a stuck Junior Mint out of the box than I did studying for some exams in school.
“No matter what it is, two chews and a swallow is all you need. Efficiency is the key…”
~Dogs probably
I am now afraid to click on any celebrity name trending it just keeps getting worse and worse
If you ever hire workmen for anything, it’s CRITICAL you sniff their armpits at the end of the day to make sure you got your money’s worth.
Let the bodies hit the floor? Ok but first let me put down some plastic this is new carpet I don’t want to ruin it my mom will be pissed
her: i love bad boys
me: [trying to impress] my mom has no idea where i am
[getting completely dominated in a street fight]
ME: damn this toddler plays by her own rules