Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[at Applebees on Christmas]
God: Your food good?
Jesus: Ya, it-
*a crowd of servers surrounds them*
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y

My husband just screamed NOOOOOO so loud I thought something was horribly wrong. Don’t worry you guys, no one is injured, someone just hit their ball in the water at the Master’s.

Me: Sleeps three hours.
Brain: That’ll do.

Missionary so I can look him in the eyes and ask him why Ashley from work is texting him with heart eyes.

This tree does a lot of weird exercises

[Terminator Academy]

Terminator: When you travel to the past you will arrive nude.

Insecurminator: oh no!

Everyone’s a gangster until they turn a spoon the wrong way under running water.

My friend says to me, “What rhymes with orange?”

And I told him, “No, it doesn’t.”

The best revenge is living well. Starting after you murder the person who wronged you.

Gentle reminder that Thanos won 14,000,605 alternate times in end game but the one time he lost they made a movie about it

If you do ever have the opportunity to ride a tandem bicycle by yourself, find a crowded bike path and scream at the top of your lungs “ARE YOU EVEN PEDALING, JANET!?”

Nick’s coming over

Nick from work, or Nick who thinks he’s a scorpion?

*Nick bursts through the door* HERE I AM, ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE

ignored emails coming back to bite me call that “night of the unread”

Met Office warns snow could cut off rural communities from the rest of the UK, coming as huge relief to people living in rural communities.

If the Powerball has taught me anything, it’s how to turn $200 into $4.

Burglars are getting very clever these days..
Last night, my wife woke me up..

*Darling! Darling! There’s a burglar downstairs!!*

So I go down, check every room and don’t find anyone.

Then I realized I don’t have a wife and when I went back upstairs my bed and tv were gone.

The seven year old I work for just informed me my haircut makes my hips look wider, so I have that going for me.

Having to hide your euphoria when a friend says “I’m going to have to cancel tonight”

Me: I look great today
Fluorescent lights: I can fix that.

OMG I opened the door to let the dog in and there was a slug on the door AND IT GOT ON MY HAND SO I SCREAMED LIKE A TODDLER AND THE DOG ATE IT TO PROTECT ME. And now we are both embarrassed.

I shower with a suicide note in case I slip and die, at least I can make it look intentional instead of stupid.

genie: wishes should be limited

monkeys paw: and come with consequences

shooting star: don’t forget rare

birthday candle: yeah and secret

dandelion: ok you guys need to relax

Me: welcome to my painting podcast

[wet slapping noises for 75 minutes]

Me: it’s a mountain

Everytime I see my see my neighbors having sex in their hot tub, I think to myself “I can’t believe I’m recording this”

Overall, the kids and parents took Wonka’s maniacal screaming, small orange mutated workers, and horrific accidental deaths in stride, maintaining remarkable composure. This tells us they were no strangers to candy factory tours.

Seriously, if you go to Central or South America to visit ancient ruins and you don’t dress as Indiana Jones, what’s even the point? Bonus points if you can get the whip through customs.

Me: *watching the driver of the hearse in front of us jump out, race to the back, open the door, peek in, and slam it shut* Well that’s disconcerting.

Son: Nah, it would be disconcerting if he ran away from the hearse.

im VERY laid back. i only care about 2 things:

every person on earth & their opinion of me
the crushing psychological weight of being alive