You could pay someone to install a new faucet or you could spend two hours and 20 minutes trying to remove one bolt and then pay someone.
You Might Also Like
Shazam but for telling you the name of someone who’s only just been introduced to you 5 minutes ago but you weren’t listening.
8yo: Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Me: Yes.
8yo: Where?
Me:…
8yo: WHERE!
6yo: (from outside) It’s spreading.
Me: I’m up.
“I’d love to go to the moon” I said “but on a full moon day of course, no point going all that way when only half of it’s there”
[detention facility]
Jeff: I’m in for littering what are YOU in for?
Jeoff: loitering
According to my kids’ Christmas lists, they think this parenting gig pays pretty well
Every kid in my second grader’s class is assigned a “job” each week, most are things like watering the plants or sharpening pencils but one of the jobs is “tech support” because every 7-year-old knows more about technology than the teacher.
Millennials are “quiet breathing” on company time, often inhaling AND exhaling at the office
I don’t get why someone would want the house in a divorce.
“your honor, I’d like to keep the building where my soul was sucked dry.”
me: if you love someone set them free
boss: you’re a corrections officer. you’re not supposed to fall in love with the prisoners
me (releasing my 10th prisoner of the day): my bad
Protip: If a party guest says “I don’t dance” what he’s really telling you is “make my drinks stronger please”.
doctor: you have no heart
me: okay wow that’s rude
doctor: no you literally have no heart how are you even alive
demon living inside me: *to me* don’t
me: there’s a demon living inside me
demon: ugh
[psych ward]
me: this is nice they have jell-o
demon: ooo is it cherry
Her: *Googling* baby on fire what to do
Google: Call 911
Her: *Googling again* Baby on fire what to do NO TALKING ON PHONE
How come there’s never a first call for alcohol?
Dwayne Johnson, paper, scissors
This oxygen mask is bullshit. I don’t look like oxygen at all.
Is it just me or are the puzzles on The Guardian website really easy?
Be myself?
BE MYSELF?!?!
You don’t care if I ever get laid again, do you?
Still disappointed that a goblet is just a cup and not a miniature goblin.
*flips over table*
*table flips back up*
Table: You got a problem?
Me: DO YOU?
Table: …
Me: HUH?
Table: …
Me: I SAID DO WE HA-
Table: No
I gave my Yorkie a haircut today. Now I know how lion wrestlers feel.
ME: *walking through the park, minding my own business, carrying a small baggie full of poop*
YOU: Where’s your dog?
ME: Why do people keep asking me that?!
My sister teaches 1st grade. A boy in her class had a tantrum and screamed “I hate you!” and she gently replied “I know. It doesn’t matter.”
4: mommy, I don’t like you.
Me: why, what did I do??
4: *gives me a huge hug*
Me: uh
4: I only love grandma
Me: what is happening
Call me so I have your number.
[5 minutes later] Oh.. I have a missed call?
7 has started saying “your life just got better,” whenever he enters the room; humility is not this kid’s strong-suit.
INFORMER!!!
Younosaydahdfrxqpgirnmekdmhgjwrztnhyenixblaamm…
A LICKY BOOM BOOM DOWN!
*typing “eight spiders” into my calorie app*
*bolts upright in bed..
If there’s 24 hrs in a day how many hrs are in a night?!!?
Honestly son, that nightlight just makes it easier for the monsters to find you.