Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Friend: are you mad?

Me: what no

Friend: you look mad

Me: I have 4 kids it’s just my face

I know dropping your phone/keys in a public toilet is bad but have you ever lost a shoe trying to kick the flusher

People who say “in and of itself” are responsible for most of the trouble in the world.

My sister thinks I should come see her new baby, but where was she when I got my new goldfish? Nice try sis.

Whenever I drink I turn into Jason Bourne. I can’t remember much, fighting comes naturally, and I have a sudden need to evade the law.

[Job interview]

Him: Do you have any questions?

Me: What kind of snacks are in the vending machine?

Me: Can I pet your dog?
Stranger: sure
M: one more time
S: uh, ok
M: again
S: maybe you should get your own
M: pet
S: we have to go
M: mine

I asked what she wanted for her birthday and she said she’d like anything I picked out for her and I’ve never been more afraid.

Spent 10 mins trying to get into my car today…finally the door opened when the person who actually owned the car unlocked it.

I sexually identify as an avocado.

Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Oh yes tonight is the nigh-
Too late, I’m over it.

[first day in prison]

“I need to speak to management. There is no way I can use this generic bar soap on my face.”

an app that shows you who NOT to date called ok stupid

Ordered a honey bee kit off Amazon. Can’t wait to tell my co-workers all the benefits of honey that I Googled right before telling them.

Schrödinger’s cookie

My kid was driving me crazy so I told her daddy wanted to play hide & seek and he was hiding first [he wasn’t home]. Follow me for more parenting hacks.

[Texting]

Him: Hey babe, what’re you wearing?

Me: *naked pooping* ummm…nothing

Him: That’s hot

Anyone who says “Let’s all put our phones down and talk with each other,” is just running out of battery and needs a charge.

My boss bought a breathalyzer for our office because everyone comes back from lunch drunk. My personal best is .16

your dad isn’t a dad yet until he stands in your living room for 15 minutes straight (instead of leaving) saying “this movie is so stupid” while you’re watching Mamma Mia

I was looking up Licking County Animals (in Ohio) because they have a litter of hound puppies I wanted to share but let’s just say puppies weren’t in the results.

Taylor Swift’s future song about Travis Kelce:

you were the chief, but I don’t follow orders
your mama and me, sharing laughs every quarter
when did you talk to me? before or after reporters
it’s like it all was a dream, oh well, always preferred the chargers

[office]

ME: I’m back from vacation!

BOSS: It’s been 4 1/2 years! You said a week in Venice!

ME: No, a week on Venus…which is 1701 days

My hairdresser might not be a therapist, but he is a captive audience.

I just got super defensive to my phone when i was cheating on the times crossword
I was like “hey! Maybe i just wanted to know who the protagonist of clan of the cave was for an entirely different reason!”

Me (getting choked): who called it getting new tires
Guy (who is choking me): how are you breathing
Me (dying): and not a retirement plan

me: what kind of dog is that?

him: husky

me: sorry, *deep raspy voice* what kind of dog is that?

“the blood moon rises once again” [the dishes i washed yesterday respawn in my sink]

Me: “Your mum sucks.”

GF: “That’s not very nice.”

Me: “No, it’s wonderful.”

I use the tempura karate technique. For when you only want to lightly batter your opponent.

if three separate women were faking covid test results in order not to date me, i would simply not tell that fact to the new york times