you could post a photo of a celebrity like “she looked so cool in the 90s” and some freak will quote tweet it like “Yeah, she looked so cool in the outfit she wore to go run over 15 people with her car on June 4th, 1993.” and it’s like i’m sorry why would i know about that
Aggressively singing “This Is How We Do It” while putting my husband’s clothes in the hamper instead of the floor.
Following Prince Phillip’s passing, Prince Charles inherits the title Duke Of Edinburgh. Basically, it all shifts up one. For instance, I’m now my next door neighbour, Pauline Cathcart.
Second grade gossip is so great, like how else am I going to learn that Greyson didn’t want to do the computer because it only had “books and shit” on it
Me: I was watching Sixth Sense when my house got burgled
Cop: Ok tell me everything that happened
[10 mins later]
Cop: holy shit he was dead the whole time?!
I would walk 500 miles
And I would walk 500 more
Just to be the man who
Walked a thousand miles
To throw up on your door
No need to pay for a gym when accidentally liking a selfie online makes your palms sweat and your heart race for free.
Ladies, if you’re looking for romance, now is the time of year to move to a small town in order to save your grandfather’s business from the guy who also happens to secretly be the love of your life
Today is International “Hug Your Cat” day. Which means tomorrow is International “Band-aid and Neosporin” day.
My attachment style is PDF which is why older people don’t know how to get me to open up half the time
Wind chimes:
-loud
-only nice in theory
-secretly hated by allMe:
-wait
-oh no i’m wind chimes
Each day is a wondrous journey, always discovering the new things in life that can irritate me.
I thrive in a waiting room. u need me to sit in a chair and look at my phone? No worries love i do this at home
ME: I’m so hungry I could greet a horse
FRIEND: “Eat” a horse
ME: No watch this. Hello Mr horse
HORSE: [gives me a taco]
My dog is expecting a treat for bravely protecting us from the oven timer.
Me: Dad gave me a sip of beer when I was 6 and I hated it. It was really effective in helping me to not rely on alcohol when dealing with my anger issues.
Prison Psychiatrist: you killed 8 people.
Me: yeah but I was super Zen about it
In response to McDonald’s pay with hugs campaign, Nationwide will allow you to pay for insurance with DEATH.
Me: *stomach rumbling*
8: Why is your tummy making those noises?
M: I’ve not sent anything it’s way for an hour, it’s checking I’m still alive
When they ask “how was your weekend?” answer “better than yours” & maintain eye contact
“girls just want to have fun” no. i want one million dollars cash
idk who needs to hear this but if you ever need to move a lamb over a wall, here u go
I always run towards screaming. Sure, it could be a horrible murder in progress. BUT it could also be ice cream.
Restaurant Customer: clarified butter please
Waiter: (points to butter) THIS IS BUTTER
Nah mate, when the Americans talk about football they mean that silly game where the fat men dress up as Transformers
9yo: Dad, how come you’re so good at Mario Kart but so bad at driving your car?
Me: Go to your room.
Hostess: enjoy these complimentary after dinner mints
Mints: you have beautiful eyes
Me: [blushing] wow they’re very complimentary
“Liquor in the front, poker in the back” is not an acceptable tee shirt slogan for my church’s charity poker team…
I know that now.
They were testing a machine that calculates your age based on your reflexes. Turns out I am 140 years old.
[meeting with boss]
“I need you to go back and fix something that broke yesterday.”
“I DON’T EVEN HAVE A TIME MACHINE!”
Co-Worker: You say apparently a lot.
Me: Yes, I know.
CW: It really bothers me.
M: Apparently so.
CW: You don’t care.
M: Apparently not.
