you could post a photo of a celebrity like “she looked so cool in the 90s” and some freak will quote tweet it like “Yeah, she looked so cool in the outfit she wore to go run over 15 people with her car on June 4th, 1993.” and it’s like i’m sorry why would i know about that
They say the more people you see joggin in a neighborhood the more expensive property taxes will be…That’s why I never jog bc I’m just a really really good neighbor
OFFICER: the victims were dismembered and sacrificed on an altar made of antlers
DETECTIVE: dear god
OFFICER: most likely yes
No…no. Just leave your shirt here and let’s go look for Bigfoot.
~ whiskey
Co-worker playfully snapped my suspenders and now everyone in the office knows my safe word.
[heaven]
Abraham Lincoln: If only I’d stayed in that night instead of going to that show.
Batman’s parents: Same.
I hope my childhood BFF forgot that silly pact we made at five to kill each other if we hadn’t become ponies by 2015.
She was really dark.
Urban Dictionary defines Heck:
Where you go if you don’t believe in Gosh.
Apostrophes was the Greek god of confusing grammar.
Sorry I’m late. My dog ate my car.
Do not tell a kid you didn’t understand his joke unless you have 4 hours free to hear the explanation.
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
he looks great for his age
We usually make prime rib for Christmas dinner but with the prices of beef we’ve had to make some slight adjustments.
[Christmas dinner]
Me [serving guests]: More ramen?
[Robot Uprising]
Human: Oh no a robot! What kind are you?
Robot: I am a counting machine
Human: Oh thank g—
Robot: Now killing human #53822
I have a particular set of skills, skills that allow me to open beer cans so no one in the house knows I’m drinking.
I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him
GOD, I hope he calls me.
thesaurus had the greatest vocabulary of all the dinosaurs
Why do sanitary towel adverts always feature a liquid which is blue?
Are aliens their primary customers?
I’ve been waiting for the perfect time to change my Netflix password so my ex can’t use it anymore and it doesn’t really get much better than a national lockdown
Dog shampoo was on sale & cheaper than my normal shampoo so it looks like I’m going to have a shiny, healthy coat for the next few weeks.
Running your mouth is not cardio.
[exotic fish store]
AMISH GUY: Yes, I’d like to buy an acoustic eel, please.
they’re called hooves, dummy🙄
Meatloaf was so named because of his incredible likeness to his father, Meatlo.
Now that we’re divorcing,
I’m definitely not finishing that scarf I’ve been knitting you for nine years
*aliens land in America*
Alien Captain: Take me to your leader!
Me: *heavy sigh* Listen, Bro…this is kind of embarrassing, but…
Drank two Monster Energy drinks and started my car by screaming at it.
I’m not saying you’ve had too much Botox, it’s just that you should still be able to shrug your shoulders
Can’t even watch a YouTube video these days without someone in an ad reminding you you’re poor
*Clicks video* next thing “HI THERE, HAHA, I MADE $200,000 LAST QUARTER, WHAT DID YOU MAKE?”
Bad decisions, now get out my guy, make I watch 10 types of Jollof in peace
*gets into canoe*
Guide: Ok, everyone grab an oar!
*gets out of canoe*
