You could probably eliminate about 82 of your 99 problems by just minding your own business.
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i think anyone who has ever had beautiful styled hair or tried to hold a big pile of leaves in their hands will know the trouble a gust of wind can cause.
Feel like you’re falling apart? Coming undone? Can’t keep it together?
You should have eaten more paste as a child.
“evreytime god closes a door, he opens a window” – me, tryimg to convince my clients their house isnt haunted
Check out some of these wacky signs you guys sent in! 👎⚠️ #FallonTonight
Parents: You better eat all of your food, there are children starving in China!
Me: Well, can’t we send them this?
Parents: Go to your room.
Hilariously true story. 🤷😆🤣🤦
Me: [raises hand to hail cab]
*Catches random touchdown pass
I can’t believe someone had the audacity to tell ME *gestures wildly at self* that I’m dramatic
When you text “Hugs” to someone and autocorrect decides what they really need is a lesson in particle physics and changes it to “Higgs”.
Me: I somersaulted down a hill yesterday, just like in the movies, it was so crazy
Angel: yes that’s why you’re here
You can be rough with me – the healthcare is free. #MakeCanadaSexier
I’ve been standing here for 30 minutes and it hasn’t even moved.
I’ve been to Iraq twice and Afghanistan once. Still not as scary as my ex’s number popping up on my phone this morning.
Isn’t it amazing how drastically a moment can turn scary because of just one word? For example:
I don’t usually break into song. BUT…
I don’t know a single person who is age 40 who was born in 2000.
My brain: Hahahaha… Sorry, I don’t remember your pin.
My brain, 5 minutes later: Hey, I know you already paid cash but I remember that pin now.
Turns out my teen wanted to leave for school early so we’d have time to watch Netflix in the car and not because she was eager to get to school. I know this now.
People say having no friends as a child is bad but if I did have friends back then I would never have invented the frisbeerang.
My kids have started removing one letter of bad words, so they can call each other names and not get in trouble.
So, I’ve decided to add one digit to the wifi password until they can be nice to each other.
Your move itches
A small child could swim through the veins of a blue whale’s heart. Let’s make this happen.
Why did Shrek go with Smashmouth’s All-Star and not Roxette’s “It Must’ve Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now)”
Life goals:
Age 6: Be a pirate
10: Kiss more girls
16: Be 18
21: Be rich by 30
22 – 32: *File corrupted*
33: Improve on napping
Follow me for more exotic Minnesota cuisine
purely hypothetical question, just for fun: what should somebody do if they have to dispose of many human bones?
Just got kicked out of Walmart for having a concealed belly button.
Happy mothers day to all the moms out there.
I can’t be the only one who hears “see you soon” as a threat.
While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂
ME: how can i prepare for my date
FRIEND: get her some flowers. roses, orchids
ME: definitely roses, we’re not ready for kids yet
There is a hawk following me on my run so now I’m insecure about what I look like and what I smell like