You could probably eliminate about 82 of your 99 problems by just minding your own business.
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Telling my son he can’t stay home from school for no reason even though when I was his age I’d blow dry my forehead and tell my mom I had a fever.
maybe ancient civilizations wouldn’t have died out if they’d built regular buildings instead of these dumb ruins
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, it’s expected.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
*reads your mind*
*decides to wait for the movie*
When I call back Domino’s a second time to let them know it’s been over an hour and my pizza still hasn’t been delivered.
2 things lotion won’t let you do when it’s on your hands because it’s evil:
1) escape the bathroom
2) open a beer
Owen Wilson has made around $217,838,000 from his movies. He averages around 3500 words per movie in 47 movies. That’s about $1,324 per word. “Wow” was 102 of those words. Owen Wilson has made roughly $135,072 from saying wow goodnight twitter
Like you’ve never thought about giving Adderall to a turtle.
doctor: how are u
me: good
doctor: my wife left thanks for asking
feel so stupid. none of them have the mustache. no way to tell which baby is hitler.
[Walking around park with kid]
Daughter: Daddy, why is grass green?
Me: Because God wants to remind me every place I go I have no money
I have a rare muscle disease that causes my hands to write racist things that I don’t remember later. The Doctor is calling it Ron Palsy
I love when kids are like “Ah ya gaba boo ma beeba” and their parents are like, “yes that’s right liam we DID have so much fun in New Hampshire last Fourth of July!”
in scotland, it’s illegal to be drunk and in possession of a cow. i just want to know how many times this happened before the government had to put their foot down
[to psychic gf] the spirits you talk to make fun of me don’t they
“no”
[she laughs for no reason]
AHHHH *punching the air* FIGHT ME SPIRITS
I finally feel peaceful and my mind is quiet.
Universe: Have her ex from 15 years ago contact her out of the blue and apologize for things she’d forgotten.
Spider chilling while I’m on the loo: ……
Me:….*shoe ready in hand*
Also me: you’re actually kinda cute
Spider: *shifts uncomfortably*
Me: OH MY GAAWWWDDDD HE’S GONNA KILLLLL MEEEE……!!!!!!!!!!! *throws shoe*
Time traveler from the past: *disgusted* You haven’t ended hunger or war or poverty but you have a phone in your pocket with a camera?
Me: No… it has two cameras.
What’s that? You want to hear my impression of an owl that repeats itself?
Well I couldn’t give two hoots.
My bluetooth headphones just paired with a car driving by like they were trying to escape
…her name was April, and her only son went on to become a comedian but everyone just called him: April’s fool.
I won’t get excited until Twitter adds a button that lets me correct mistakes in other people’s tweets.
An unexpected perk of having pets is when the cat throws up on the couch; the dog jumps in to handle the cleanup.
GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: wow ok gimme a second
GENIE: done
ME: wait
GENIE: sure if that’s your wish
ME: be quiet
GENIE:
ME: damn
If Sesame Street really cared about children they’d realize Big Bird could feed a hungry family for a month.
The walk of shame but it’s my toddler handing back his string cheese because he could not in fact open it himself
Do people who say that they’re just thinking out loud realize that there’s a verb for that already and it’s called ‘speaking’?
I used to date a hypnotist and now I can’t even remember why we broke up
Look, Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom.
“what about that shadowy place? by 2pm when the sun is west of its apex, it will be illuminated. is that our kingdom but only in the afternoon? what about night? what about clouds”
Simba.. who told you about science