You could probably eliminate about 82 of your 99 problems by just minding your own business.
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Leonardo Dicaprio is like driving in a school zone. You don’t go above twenty-five.
Me: where did you get those blood soaked tea bags?
Dracula: I had to pull some strings
Comment: London’s WorldPride? It’s really WorldShame
Me: *leads my girlfriend to the lawn where I get down on one knee*
Her: OMG
Me: *feeling the grass* You’re cutting this way too short
ME *waits for phone to stop ringing and then checks number to see who it was*
Guy training me to be an emergency responder: yeah that was wrong
Seal it so to open it, you’ll need just enough force that the contents will explode all over the place.
~inventor of cereal bags probably
BREAKING
Scientists warn that Earth could run out of conspiracy theories by 2025 if they keep coming true at the current rate
The danger of me asking why people don’t like Taylor Swift’s new boyfriend is that someone might tell me.
Stewardess: Both pilots are unconscious! Does anyone know how to land a plane?!
Dad who’s fed his toddler several times: *confidently stands up*
There’s literally no way to know how many chameleons are in your house
me, after any kind of buffet.
Horses are a great pet for anyone who’s ever wished their bicycle could make bad choices
911 – 911 what’s your emergency
Me – I am Australian and I watch too much American TV
911 – ….
Me – I don’t know our emergency number
I hate when someone sneaks up in front of you when you’re scrolling on your phone
me: fancy a movie?
them: what do you have in mind?
me: “500 Days of Summer” maybe?
them: what’s it about?
me: August 2020
I hate when people I know visit my city w/o asking me what to do. What do you mean you’re going to The Coughing Museum?
in addition to Lady Doritos, Doritos plans to make Alpha Male Doritos, which will be just shards of broken glass
doctor: get ready to say “aaah”
me: why are we on the roof
St. Valentine’s Day is my favorite holiday that’s named after a massacre.
[first date]
I’m sorry, I fiddle when I get nervous
“That’s okay”
Yeah….
*jams out epic fiddle solo for the rest of the date*
Establish dominance at your in-laws by continuing to eat that piece of fruit even though you didn’t know it was plastic.
Her: Wanna make a baby with me?
Dr. Frankenstein: Hell yes.
I’m at my most athletic when I’m running up stadium stairs to buy another beer.
Always be yourself. Unless you can be Batman.. Then be Batman.
A Jenga tower with French Toast sticks and every time you pull one out you eat it and if you knock the whole thing over you eat it.
Things that alarm my 5yo
Defcon 3: My 5yo is sick
Defcon 4: My 5yo is hurt
Defcon 5: My 5yo found a piece of tomato peel in her marinara sauce
I’m only two people away from having a love triangle.
Everyone is freaking out because I brought my own gavel to court, no one knows if I’m allowed to do this, the judge is crying
Kids will find some random stick on the ground and within thirty seconds it has a name and a very thoroughly developed back story
My ex : “Explain yourself”
Me : “Yourself” is used reflexively as the direct or indirect object of a verb or as the object of a preposition