waiter: do you have any allergies?
me: latex
waiter: I mean is there anything you can’t eat
me: airplanes
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Pro Tip:
On 20th wedding anniversary, giving wife a book called
“The Many Benefits of Kegels”.
Is not a great idea.I know this now.
“you have some nerve” yeah idiot i have like 7 trillion in me
Amazon Review: Fine tooth comb
★ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆
Comb doesn’t work. My teeth are still messed up. One star.
*writes “Place sacrifice here” on baby changing station in Wal-Mart bathroom*
My life these days is basically the “before” segment of an infomercial for a revolutionary new mop.
The c in scent is quiet today. Too quiet.
13: so I’ll only have this asthma for a little bit?
Me: yes
13: so this is like, Limited Edition Asthma?
Me: ☠️☠️☠️ 😂 SEASONAL it’s seasonal asthma
Days after my plane crashed, I find a phone. Thankfully, it has enough battery for me to go online & argue with strangers. I remain stranded
Me: You want to explain to me your presentation before you do it in class?
Kid: No mumma it will take too long for you to understand.
I want to die from natural causes like being murdered by a sunset.
I really don’t have much respect for those that take drugs and alcohol.
Like Customs, for example.
Seeing someone’s false eye lash fall off is awkward. I never know if I should catch it or kill it.
Wife wants some excitement in the bedroom so I’m going to put small rubber snakes in her underwear drawer
never forget
I once followed a puppy home on the off chance that I’d forgotten where I actually live and that he was, somehow, my dog.
But, yeah, let me raise two kids.
Asked an old couple at work what is the secret to a long marriage
He said “Good reflexes”
She said “Poor aim”
I told her she’s prettier than soup without her knowing how many quality soups I’ve encountered.
Five second rule? Pfft. What’s the point of having an immune system if you’re not going to use it?
Girls be crying over a dude who reads at a 3rd grade reading level. He’s not ignoring your text, he’s sounding it out. Give him a second.
One day I’m gonna go to work without my glasses and they’re gonna be like, “Who’s that hottie?” and I’m gonna be like, “WHO IS SAYING THAT?”
Gone in 60 Seconds is a documentary about me leaving work on Fridays.
To whoever is going out with my ex, please step up your game because He is still texting me.
[family feud]
Steve Harvey: Top 5 answers on the board, name a place you would plant evidence…
Me: *buzzes first* EVIDENCE GARDEN
Dog shampoo was on sale & cheaper than my normal shampoo so it looks like I’m going to have a shiny, healthy coat for the next few weeks.
told my boyfriend I was going to start my period and he said, “AGAIN??”
it’s like, you know what, you’re right, I’m cancelling my subscription.
Hear me out. Organ harvest festival.
Love it when I see the sign:
“You must have been born before 1999 to buy tobacco products.”My oldest bra can smoke now.
Sochi is doing that thing where they manically try to clean the house 10 minutes before company arrives. But the house is Russia.
[flying to Vegas]
TSA agent: The metal detector is going crazy. Do you have any metal on you?Me: Just my lucky rabbit’s foot key chain, my lucky penny, my lucky bronzed four-leaf clover and my lucky horseshoe.