You could replace the zombies on Walking Dead with huggers and it’d be the same scary show.
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I joined Twitter to have something to do while I waited for the repairman. It’s only been 3 years, he should be here any month now.
Relationship status: interlocking my fingers with five mozzarella sticks like I’m holding hands
Friend: “I just blew a speaker in my car.”
Me: “Which kind?”
Friend: “Motivational.”
Age 15: I wanna live in a mansion
Age 25: Ok a big house, in a nice neighborhood
Age 35: *googles ‘Best Months to Live Outside’*
Coffee ain’t cutting it anymore. I need to eat batteries. 😭
No thanks, I’m not hungry right now. I’ll just wait until after you put it away and sit down. Then I’ll have some.
-kids
About to form my very first opinion
If you’re pulled over, wait for the cop to lean down to your window, then use their vulnerability to give them a quick peck on the cheek
[opening can of Russian Pringles]
once u pop u [inside can is a slightly smaller can]
huh [inside that can is an even smaller can]
wtf [in..
Win every disagreement by saying ” I know. I’m from the future.” Because they can argue with you, but not science.
date: I like to tell dad jokes
me: does he laugh?
date: what
Since Twitter, I’ve learned to watch TV with my ears
[at the opera]
Me: what’s wrong with that guy
Wife: shh!
Me: but he’s tiny, he can barely hold that violin
Wife [whispers]: that’s a cello
Parents having a difficult time home schooling their kids – I really feel for you. Nothing could have prevented this. Well, except condoms probably.
You can always count on me to bring my famous recipe of “bag of ice” to your summer cookout.
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
[god, creating chickens]
Put a red beard on a fat hiccuping sparrow. Give him a matching hat, I don’t care
Q: My daughter will not eat fish, what can I replace it with?
A: A cat. Cats love fish.
“This would look a lot better in the toilet”
-toddlers
The real reason Darth Vader cut off Luke’s hand was because he touched the thermostat
I howl at the moon for fun and absolutely shit myself as the moon howls back, inciting several other moons in the solar system to also howl at me
Yes, I sure did let my 3yo eat a popsicle at 7:53am so that I could drink my coffee in peace. It’s called self-care.
Superman is strong enough to move the moon, and can fly fast enough to reverse the earth’s rotation, but his most impressive ability is having a steady journalism job.
There can be a guy with neck tattoos and a knife in his hand on the bus and I will still be the last person anyone sits next to.
How to start a fight with your wife:
1- Watch your wife buy a squash
2- Put it on the shelf
3- After three months ask your wife if the squash has a name
People in the bar at closing time are kinda like samples at Costco.
Both seem so much better before you take them home.
I get that the mirror in my therapist’s office is symbolic for self-reflection.
But why is it on the ceiling?
And why is his couch a water bed?
Don’t post your New Year’s resolutions to social media. Two months from now, when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Cheetos, you don’t need anyone asking you how marathon training is going.
Husband: Why are you whispering?
Me: because I’m wearing spanx and i can’t breathe or feel my hands or feet much less speak in a normal voice
Husband: I don’t know why you wore those it didn’t even make that much difference.
Me: I WILL KILL YOU WITH MY BARE HANDS