You could replace the zombies on Walking Dead with huggers and it’d be the same scary show.
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Can I still get fat if I snort Mac n Cheese powder?
I just yelled at some kids to get off my lawn. They were my own kids, but they can find somewhere else to play like everybody else.
Having a Rolex isn’t a flex if it tells you when your lunch break is over
The best thing about going to my Parents at the weekend is my Mum’s meatloaf.
She can’t do the voice but she looks just like him.
me: want to read more harry potter?
7: sure, we are at the part where harry is talking to dumpledore
me: dumbledore
7: right, dumpledore
me: ᵂʰᵉʳᵉ ᵈᶦᵈ ᴵ ᵍᵒ ʷʳᵒⁿᵍ
[opens car door for wife]
WIFE: Please stop doing that on the freeway
me: what kind of plane do you fly?
pilot: private.
me: it’s ok i won’t tell anyone.
[sexting]
Her: Are you naked?
Me (taking a shit): Yes
CDC: your mask should cover your nose and mouth
Picasso: how
[trick-or-treating]
Her: *crying* Mommy, she gave me an orange with a pumpkin drawn on it!
Me: Honey, hold mommy’s flask for a minute.
Ever wonder how many cap fulls of ZzzQuil would it take for you to wake up spooning an inflatable Snowman 2 blocks away ….. well it’s 3
Whenever I leave a public bathroom I fold the toilet paper into a fancy triangle to class the joint up
My neighbors kid has been outside banging on a bucket for over an hour while their dog barks at him ….. I would throw a rock but I’m afraid I’d hit the dog.
Here in the South, we don’t consider a cookout successful unless there’s an ambulance involved.
Before sending a tweet l always test it on my wife first. If she rolls her eyes and leaves the room, l know it has potential.
I don’t usually sing Adele, but when I do, it’s usually on the toilet in the middle stall in the men’s washroom at work.
Apparently cat did not get memo on time change. He’s been using my face as a trampoline, trying to wake me up for the last hour. 😐
I’m not usually vengeful, but when I am it’s because someone gave my kid a whistle.
Sorry for shouting “go go gadget personality” while you were speaking. Please, continue.
A toddler waves his stuffed snow leopard and shouts “tiger!” From my purse, I retrieve my big cat field guide to do the job his parents failed to do.
Hell, YES, I work out. Somebody has to support the ibuprofen industry.
5pm on a friday: call me a mcdonald’s ice cream machine bc i’m not working
When my doctor diagnosed me with squid magnet syndrome I had a lot of questi… [a squid hits me in the face at 900mph killing me instantly]
My boss said when I’m at work, I should lay off the Doritos. I said “you’re the boss if you wanna fire Bob Dorito and his brother you do it”
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend.
Darkness: New phone, who dis?
I learned 2 things today:
My cat is slightly smaller than an average duck
That won’t stop her from trying to fight an average duck
(at a party)
them: truth or dare.
me: dare.
them: go home.
My 5 year old is stuck inside a duvet cover right now so I think I’m going to go for a walk and just let Darwin solve this one.
*leads horse to water*
“You’re not gonna drink, are you?”
*horse neighs*
“It’s The Fountain of Eternal Youth.”
Horse: You’re not foaling me.
[Alligator feeding at the zoo]
Me: Hey let me do it
Keeper: 1st time?
M: Heck no
*alligator takes me by the arm*
I WAS JUST BRAGGING SAVE ME