Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This Walmart is advertising $9.99 iPads to anyone who throws their baby into a snakepit.

me, drunk, into the remote: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?

Selfie

I fart in church so I can sit in my own pew.

Meme Monday.

I just put my flamethrower in my car and my neighbor saw me. This is gonna be a wonderful day.

Jan 21, 2015: The 1989 film “Back to the Future II” showed life on Oct 21, 2015. So we’ve got 9 Months to invent Flying Cars.

Told my mother-in-law I liked her shirt and four days later she gave it to me, so now I’m thinking I’ll compliment her pearl necklace set and see what happens.

Assert dominance by putting your hair in your cats food.

Shout-out to my embarrassingly squeaky ass bed frame that makes me sound more popular than I actually am to my neighbors.

I’m “made an ashtray in art even though my parents don’t smoke because that was the assignment” years old.

Today sucked so much it featured a guest verse from Pitbull

It’s so funny when someone writes a song to try to get someone to have sex with them. That’s what a bird would do!

Karen, will you marry me?

“Ugh. No. Please take me home.”

*20 minutes of awkward silence as hot air balloon slowly descends*

Seriously guys, you have no idea how much nothing I can accomplish when I’m on Twitter.

none of the animals i designed and invented are at the zoo. do they even check the suggestion box

My husband said we should have one date night each month. I said, “Great! I’ll take Johnny Depp. Who do you want?”

Peppa pig = spicy bacon

Me: *answering each question by shouting my name and Social Security number, refusing to crack*

Job Interviewer: *growing increasingly flustered*

Where there’s a pill, there’s a yay.

ME: I’m a tough, smart, practical adult, and I don’t believe in silly superstiti–

SOME OLD LADY ON THE STREET: *grabs my hand, gasps* She still thinks about you.

ME, streaming tears and snot : R-r-really?

My Christmas letter this year includes a bonus DVD of my colonoscopy.

*raises the last donut to the sky like Simba*

I’m Agnostic, which means I’m an Atheist with commitment issues.

My son recovered from his illness while I was filling out all the paperwork in the waiting room.

*Me coming home with a Bloodied nose*

Wife: OMG, Are you OK?

Me: I’m fine, You should see the other Guy!

Wife: I agree, He’s taller and better looking.

Me: Wait, What??

My kids at 7am: What’s for breakfast? Can I play Xbox? What are we doing today? What’s blue plus blue make?

Me:

8yo asked y we had an analog clock on the wall but I didn’t know what analog meant so I panicked & told her time was an illusion

COVID-19 helping people realise that some meetings can be emails.

Let’s get married and have kids, so we can have mini versions of ourselves do that annoying thing that our spouse does but louder.