Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

That awkward moment when a person says they need their beauty sleep when what they really need is plastic surgery.

nice idyllic small town ya got here…it’d be a shame if it harbored a deadly secret

When I play rock paper scissors I always pick Rock because Dwayne Johnson shows up and punches my opponent.

There’s nothing sexier than being with someone who knows exactly what they want, unless what they want is to smother you in your sleep.

ME: I’d like to register my kid for school.
SCHOOL REGISTRAR: Sir, that’s a goat.
ME: *proudly* A BABY goat.

No matter how good your raspberry body wash smells, don’t be tempted to drizzle it over your ice cream. I’ve been burping bubbles for days.

The Flash is lucky because he can run real fast but also because he lives in a world where every problem can be solved by running real fast.

“don’t invite a vampire into your home” buddy i don’t invite anyone into my home.

Sorry I smacked your face with a rolled up newspaper.
Maybe a little less mascara next time… I have arachnophobia.

My daughter found my twitter. I have just one thing to say – clean your room.

honey I’m home
wife: how was your first night class
well [hangs up suit of armor] not good

ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels

How to make it rain:

-Hang washing out
-Wash car
-Decide against umbrella
-Nip out for lunch
-Plan barbecue
-Style hair
-Go to seaside
-Water all your plants
-Open the sunroof
-Take a day off
-Have windows cleaned
-Paint fence
-Put cushions out
-Say “should be a nice day”

Our “safe place” during a tornado is a bathroom in the center of our house.

Kids in the tub, me sitting on the toilet, my husband and my ex-husband who had stopped by just before the tornado, all crammed into this tiny space.

Ex-husband: I really hope this isn’t the way I go.

Cats be like “I know a spot” and proceed to take a nap on the important papers you are working on to meet a deadline.

Me [doing a lovely soft shoe routine and nailing it]

Brother: Are you serious? This is my sentencing hearing

Judge [teary]: Just wonderful

[1st time on phone with a girl]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach

It’s so cute that you’re nervous

[eating 2nd bowl of butterflies] huh?

Happy thanksgiving

Between toilet paper and forest fires, bears have a lot of responsibilities.

On a scale of 1 to ‘Maxi pad with wings’

How self-absorbed are you?

Here’s my ONLY problem with Evolution:

When the chocolate chip evolved, how did the raisin not go extinct?

[After 1 beer]
just gonna chill in this bar tonight

[After 5 beers]
put me down for Summer Lovin’ on karaoke, I will sing both parts

Don’t be alarmed when you’re knocking on the Gates of hell and the devil doesn’t answer….He is dealing with me.

Yesterday I found my first grader on her school computer designing a power point, and I just want to know why am I paying for camp this summer when I could just hire her for an unpaid internship?

There’s not gonna be a civil war. None of us can afford to take that much time off work

I cooked a new recipe for dinner and my 6yo ate it. If you need me, I’ll be out buying a lotto ticket because today is clearly my lucky day!

I hate people who use big words in tweets just to make themselves look perspicacious.

My stylist: Your hair is dry and damaged.

Me: Hey! I think it’s fine.

My stylist: Yes, that too.

Used to think my house was pretty nice until I starting watching HGTV. Now I just walk around depressed about my lack of sliding barn doors & wondering if I can knock down a wall & discover pristine hardwood floors under my carpet…all before I host book club at 6:00pm tomorrow.

ROOMBA: I pick up anything

ME: [throwing it my car keys] Great, my kids are done with school at 3:30

ROOMBA: No wait-

[45 minutes later]

ROOMBA: You learn anything new today?