You COULD say Twitter is like Group Therapy, however that would imply people are getting better,… and that just doesn’t hold water.
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Me: *showing the priest a gif of a dog chasing his tail* Haha it’s like he never stops
Priest: Ok but I said “Bring the GIFTS to the alter”
When they say “all expenses paid” does that include bail?
My daughter in college texted me and asked where to go to get air in her tires. I told her the gas station and I swear on all that is holy her response was this, “I only have $88 in my bank account. Will it cost more than that?”
“I like green peppers, but they don’t like me anymore haha.”
They never liked you. They don’t have feelings because they’re food, Barbara.
[Barber holding a mirror showing me the back of my neck] nope, no good, please start over
Friday The 13th is only a horror movie if you care about teenagers.
“Dora” only rhymes with “Explorer” if you’re from Long Island, New York
“Eat your dinner so that lamb didn’t die for nothing” – will ensure you get your daughter’s helping, too.
Me to my dog: Stop barking now.
My dog: BUT EVERYTHING IS A FOX!
Me: It’s ok.
Dog: I WILL PROTECT YOU, IDIOT!
Kraken: “I like to renew my tenancy.”
Landlord: “Re-lease the Kraken!”
#KrakenDay #RubbishDay
A life lesson we could all learn from my doggie:
Do NOT pee too close to the cactus.
ME: [grinding pepper onto my food]
IRON MAN: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE
A mom hits peak passive aggressive when faced with the request “tell me a story”
Well Billy, once upon a time there was a little boy who literally never picked up his shit
Like sure, yes. Encouraging independent play is good for a kid’s development but like…these people sound like they just want to leave their babies in the wilderness for the wolves to raise
wake up babe a new cause of homosexuality just dropped
The only problem I have with chocolate is that one minute it’s there and the next it’s not.
[orders 2,000 Big Macs thinking I’ll only have to tell my mom ‘I love her’ for them]
Cashier: that’ll be $5,364.32
Me: shit
Whoa. I guess one dude quit:
I’ve reached the age where that spot on my arm could either be a questionable mole or dried nacho cheese.
me: [letting dog lick my face]
wife: that’s disgusting
me: [squirting shampoo into my hand] you’re the one who used all the hot water linda
Why do people apologize when their dog runs up to you? You could stuff your dog down the back of my shirt and I’d give you a dollar
Getting depressed while you paddle a tiny boat is called cryaking.
According to the 25th Amendment, if the President is incapacitated, the Vice President becomes the executive producer of “The Apprentice.”
Room with a view.
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for its health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
Mood: the first half of a paper towel commercial when the mom is ready to light her family on fire
[Lying on the grass, staring at the full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
Assert your dominance by crossing out your coworkers name on their food and put your own.
Then eat it in front of them.
People keep talking about the new Star Wars trailer. In my day, Star Wars had SPACESHIPS!
This app would like to use your location. It also wants you to mow the lawn and call your parents more often.