You COULD say Twitter is like Group Therapy, however that would imply people are getting better,… and that just doesn’t hold water.
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Kid: Dad, what does ironic mean?
Dad: Well son, when 2 people decide to get married on Independence Day…..
Wasn’t this a cartoon.
I had my arm bandaged all day because I got a large tattoo yesterday. So today coworkers were all, “WHAT HAPPENED?”
My answered ranged from “arm herpes” to “sex swing injury.”
Went into the kitchen and found my daughter and her boyfriend making popcorn …..
One. Kernel. At. A. Time.
Him: Would you like to have lunch sometime?
Me: I like to have lunch every afternoon.
I’m not saying I’ve been doing a lot of online shopping, but now every time our dogs bark, all three kids yell “mom, your Amazon is here.”
Scientists say Jupiter cant support human life but maybe Jupiter’s just really focused on her career for now. Why be so judgmental, science?
My 6 yr old lost a tooth and then finger quoted “tooth fairy” so I just handed him $5 and told him to do whatever he wanted with the tooth
[first day as a security guard] this painting needs eyes
2022: I can fix it
Picking up women at the bar and then gently setting them down
I hope the guy who stole my debit card enjoys his $12 shopping spree.
My cat caught me watching cat videos on the Internet so we now have a shared Twitter and Facebook account.
I opened a bottle of wine to let it breathe.
It didn’t. So I gave it mouth to mouth.
There comes a point in every parent’s life when they notice the soap and shampoo they bought for their kids isn’t getting used up nearly as quickly as it should be.
acceptable thing to do with cpr dummy: learn how to save a life
unacceptable thing to do with a cpr dummy: learn how to create a life
me: so what, you’re gonna be angry at me for the rest of your life
wife: no, the rest of yours
Wanna know why skeletons are so calm?
Because nothing gets under their skin.
If I come home from work and my wife is gone, I always think the worst has happened. I forgot something she said we were doing that night.
Is it weird to think about mac and cheese during sex?
Ma’am, I just tear the movie tickets. But yes, it’s weird.
I’m like Jason Bourne, only I’m not looking for exits in each room.. I’m looking for outlets & phone chargers.
My toddler has discovered the word WHY. Please send help.
People who go jogging, you realise we have cars now, right?
When they tell you the salad is your whole dinner and not just a side
I bought this 3 years ago without realizing what was on it and wore it to my daughter’s school play 😂😂
More often than not, I read applause as applesauce.
Not allowed to stay up past 10:30 or I start Googling things like “how to start donkey sanctuary”
Person in murder documentary: This is a small town. Things like this don’t happen here.
Me: Um, based on the shows I watch, that’s ALL that happens in small towns.
“Hey dad”
Liam Neeson: OMG WERE U-
“Just called to say hi”
Neeson: [Gutted] Oh. Thanks. Well give me a call if-
“If I get taken, yes I know”