You COULD say Twitter is like Group Therapy, however that would imply people are getting better,… and that just doesn’t hold water.
You Might Also Like
Just got added to a list called “people.” Glad I made that cut.
Waiter: and would you like mayonnaise on that?
Wife: Ew, gross.
Me: Why are you making your sex noises at him?
Cause of death: Zumba
I bet characters in science fiction novels get annoyed when they read all the feast scenes in fantasy books. “Why do they get cakes and mutton and we’re stuck with instant noodles and nutrient paste?”
Imagine it’s hundreds of years ago and the ground shakes violently and then a couple days later the sun vanishes we’d definitely be burning some witches
ME: *tying hotdogs together*
Wife: I have the bologna shurikens cut out. We playing meat ninjas or not?
Me: CALM DOWN! THE NUNCHUCKS ARE ALMOST READY!
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
I missed going to the gym today.
So that’s 20 years in a row now.
wait do british people think smashing pumpkins means really good pumpkins?
ALIEN: Take me to your leader
ME: [eating pizza with a fork] Bold of you to assume that I’m not the leader
[Jedi Academy]
Why do you want to be Jedi?[Imagines using ‘the force’ to steal everyone’s cats and building a cat army]
To keep the peace
If you’re tired of “food” and want to try something a bit more sophisticated, may I recommend “cuisine”?
Me: ok what did you do
Cat: U THINK CAT AM ONLY BEING NICE 2 COVER UP CRIME??
Me: well there’s precedent
Cat: AM INSULTED
Cat: AM DISGUSTED
Cat: AM MOST AND GOOD INNOCENT CAT
Me:
Cat:
Me:
Cat:
Me:
Cat: FINE CAT AM PEE IN LAUNDRY BASKET
Practiced telling you off in the shower today. Warning, it went very well.
All these girls tweeting about going braless & I’m just over here on my back trying not to look like I have 2 bald guys in a headlock.
When I see someone texting and driving I swerve my car into them and try to run them off the road cause texting and driving is illegal.
My 16-year-old dog walked around to my side of the bed this morning & acted like he needed to go outside. As I got up, he proceeded to jump into my spot & promptly fell asleep.
Well played, old man. Well played.
on average, a shark can swallow up to 7 octopuses every night while it sleeps
Maybe the guy yelling random words into the sky at the bus-stop isn’t crazy..
…maybe he’s just trying to figure out 2020’s safe word
obviously, you’d be a fool not to get two
doctors will be like go get this and pharmacists will be like here u go
i hate when teachers put “?” on graded work, bro idk what’s going on either
URGENT! IF MY BOSS ASKS YOU IF IT’S REALLY “NATIONAL THROW YOUR COFFEE AT YOUR BOSS DAY” PLEASE SAY YES.
I hate when people talk to me while I’m using the restroom, the other day, this guy was all like “Sir this is a display model at Home Depot”
Coke Zero sounds like a government pledge to eliminate fizzy drinks by 2030.
My kids devour food so quickly that my fridge has been broken for two months and nobody realized.
This is now my favourite pie chart ever.