you could tell me any fact about how dangerous animals are in australia and I’d believe you. they got vampire bees? of course they do. dogs don’t need a permit to carry a gun? I won’t even google it.
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there’s no way the scooby doo gang never found a dead body
God: I made spring time so that all could witness nature’s rebirth!
Satan: I make people scroll down to find their birth year.
*taps on your head*
“Is this think on?”
*performs sax solo*
Whoops, typo.
*performs sex, solo*
My psychic friend asked me if I was available any afternoon this week
My reply: I don’t know,am I?
follow request on instagram. a tan and in shape man on a pool float. blocked.
Me: Do you ever have one of those days where you just want to stay in the shower?
All other inmates (in unison): No.
If we’re together and you lose track of me, just follow the line of croissant crumbs right on back.
And you may be thinking, “But Katie, you weren’t even eating a croissant when I lost you…”
Trust me.
got kicked out of a funeral for tossing a beach ball into the audience
The fastest I ever ended a blind date was when I asked her to tell me about herself and she replied “Well, I’m a Gryffindor”
I’ve been singing “it’s the most wonderful time of the year” to my kids in honor of school starting, and wow, are they mad about it.
stirring up shit at the wedding by going up to random people and saying “i think it’s so brave that you’re here”
My husband said “I wondered where you were,” as if I ever moved more than two feet from the buffet table.
Toy designer: a remote control car that’s rechargeable!
Executive: But how will we still make this awkward for parents who buy them for their kids?
TD: oh.. we’ll just make it so you still need batteries for the controller
Watching horror movies has convinced me that answering a phone never ends well for anyone.
Me: why are there so many rednecks at this bar
Vampire: *shifting guiltily* haha yeah weird
This dude messaged me to tell me to just block the dudes that annoy me so I replied “good idea” and then blocked him and he was so right it felt so great
“The Sun is dying. We need help” the scientists are speechless. Cool Dad kicks in the door & removes his shades “It’s daylight savings time”
How many boxes of Thin Mints do I need to eat before I start seeing results?
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
Pro Tip:
Never make snow angels in a dog park
SEA LION 1: “More like shark *weak* amirite?”
SEA LION 2: “Hahaha”
SHARK: “Hey guys, what ya watching?”
[Sea lions jump onto ceiling fan]
MTV has ordered a reality show to follow a group of virgins. That sounds very interesting and riveting and get that camera out of my face.
Me at 5 pm: I wonder how many calories are in this shot of whiskey
Me at 9 pm: HoW mAnY cAlOrIeS iN a 5TH oF wHiSkEy *hiccup*
Serious question, why do rich people wear monocles? Like they can afford two lenses, am I right?
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
Word of advice to all the babies readying to leave the womb: Don’t.
A horse covered in floaties gallops happily toward a swimmin pool.
He sees a sign “NO HORSEPLAY”
He lowers his head
“Ok”
& sadly trots away
Waiting at the barber shop to get my 9yo a haircut and he points to the balding guy in front of us and says “well he shouldn’t take too long.”