you could tell me any fact about how dangerous animals are in australia and I’d believe you. they got vampire bees? of course they do. dogs don’t need a permit to carry a gun? I won’t even google it.
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NYPD has located a can of Pringles left behind by the assassin in Central Park. Upon opening it, they found it was spring-loaded with a large toy snake
I was home alone the other day and was frightened by a very loud noise, then I realized it was just my stomach growling.
Alanis: I’m ready for this knife fight!
*Pulls out 10000 spoons*
The Passion of the Christ 2: Jesus in Space
He conquered the sins of the world, but can he conquer the sins of the galaxy?
Okay with female deers & drops of golden sun. But always felt that “La” deserved a better identity than “a note to follow So”
My tween is mad at me and it could be because of any number of horrible things I did this morning: stood in the kitchen, poured coffee, stared out the window, said good morning, breathed…
Just saw that my wife was googling ballroom dancing lessons and now I’m hoping that she’s having an affair.
Man about to invent sparkling water: Water is so good but I wish that it tasted terrible and made me feel sick.
FASHION BOSS: any new ideas?
ME: how about a shirt with a hat
F: so a hoodie?
M: I call it a shat and as I say it out loud I hear my mistake
I’m staying in an Airbnb and an ice cream truck has just gone through the neighborhood for the fourth time today. I should pack and leave, right?
*pours one out for my dad on Father’s Day*
*my dad’s ghost yells at me for wasting good vodka*
Self-checkout is great right up until you move one item prematurely and it freezes the whole system and calls an employee over and you go “I don’t know what I did,” and they say, “It’s all good,” and then scan the magical piece of paper hanging around their neck that unlocks it.
what if aliens really do exist but all they do is steal chapstick from us bc that’s how they fuel their spaceships?
Neither of my kids likes boba, so I fear that they will not fit in with all their peers who seem to be singlehandedly keeping the 14 boba places in business within a mile of our house
watched the godfather with my little sister and after 2 hours of silence she uttered an incredulous “he’s elf’s dad” before falling asleep. never showing her a film again
I love rotting in bed. My vision board is just a picture of the grandparents in Willy Wonka
Pronounces ‘daughter’ like ‘laughter’
*chugging beers at 11am*
Waitress: looks like somebody is having a fun St Patrick’s Day!
Me: That’s today?
Pandas 🐼🖤
*notices my tinder match has “catholic” in their bio*
me: so how long have u been addicted to cats
Stop letting your dogs piss on fire hydrants. Some of us use those for parkour.
Good morning
Hahaha this stupid baby on the bus thinks they can cry louder than me
Just went into a women’s restroom and lifted all the toilet seats.
[trying to stop my toddler’s tantrum in a restaurant]
*harsh whisper* If you don’t cut it out right now then there’s nothing else I can do
Pretty sure we domesticated dogs first and were like yes this is amazing let’s do another one, then we domesticated cats and were like yes that’s quite enough I think
[she comes home with a doggy bag]
Her: Here, boy, I have a treat for you *sounds of the dog & I fighting to the death*
ok i’m just gonna say it… it seems petty that money comes out of my account every *single* time i buy something. give me a break