You could tell Nigeria parents you’re going to a friend’s funeral & they’ll still ask you how many times they’ve come to yours. 😂😂😂
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Have fun, but be careful. Your sister was vacuumed up last week, and yesterday your cousin was killed with a shoe.
– spider moms, probably
Facebook and Instagram are down so now I have to creep on my ex in person.
*writes in climate’s year book “Best of luck. Don’t ever change!”*
“Anyway it was lovely to meet you!” – Translation: Off you go!
4-year-old: “Frozen” is on TV!
Me: We have it on DVD. And Blu-ray. And digital download.
4: Yeah, but this one is on right now.
simultaneously my vacuum caught fire and my crush texted me, so the vacuum had to wait
SUN: [explodes]
ME: are you mad at me
I don’t see why walking is healthy. Zombies walk constantly and they look awful.
The dog ate my unified theory of the universe.
Most people don’t even know that New York was attacked by the Stay Puffed Marshmallow Man in the 80’s. I saw a documentary about it.
My outdoor flowers are doing amazing this year because I left them at the garden center where they belong.
Before marriage: fantasizes spending life together.
After marriage: fantasizes spending life insurance alone.
Me: I’d like to have this deer mounted.
Taxidermist: But it’s still alive.
Me: I’ll give you two some privacy.
A small part of me is filled with self-loathing for how much pizza I can eat in one sitting. The rest of me is filled with pizza.
[before electricity was invented]
ME: [presses hand dryer]
GUY IN THE WALL: [deep inhale]
God grant me the patience to accept the people whose outfits I cannot change.
Hey did you guys hear me do that pushup?
[Going through customs]
Anything to declare, sir?
1…2…
Sir, what are you–
3…4…I declare a thumb war!
Oh bring it on
*misses flight*
Gemini: You may find yourself wondering if you’re dreaming or not. A simple test is to punch a cop in the face.
[NASA job interview]
Interviewer: So it says on your résumé, Mars 2006-2013. Wow!
Me: Yes, then I had five years at Cadbury’s and I’m currently at Nestlé.
Interviewer: Get out.
I call all dogs ‘puppies’, regardless of age. They like it.
The worst part about “Friends” being canceled is that I’ve now been stuck with Rachel’s last haircut since 2004.
[slipping DJ $20] my good sir would you turn it down a skooch
[arriving in hell]
me: i didn’t know i’d have to wear what i died in forever
satan: where did you even find denim underwear
wildest thing to me about parenting is you can call poison control and be like, “hi, i just found my toddler with a clorox bleach pen in their mouth and it’s empty. what do i do?” and poison control is basically like, “do they seem fine?” like i could have called any boomer.
There are four main food groups:
1. Canned
2. Frozen
3. Drive-thru
4. Fried
“AI is coming for your jobs” I’d like to see AI show up drunk on Fridays and sexually harass my coworkers
I’m “had to actually call a girl on the home phone to ask her out while hoping my mom didn’t pick up and start dialing” years old.
USA to Russia: “We’re imposing sanctions on you!! But please still allow us on your Soyuz so we can reach our Space Station”
Can’t believe I’ve already spent $500 on mayonnaise this year.