Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The phrase “it’s ok if they never make Shrek 5” is such a weak mindset. You are ok with no Fergus, no Farkle, no Felicia. When you stop getting angry after no news, you’ve lost twice.

There’s always more onions, and always room for more swamps, it’s never ogre.

*family reunion*

– flirting shouldn’t be this easy

13 asked for a haircut yesterday. after the haircut he was upset and asked why his hair was shorter. brain cells man.

NOBODY MOVE I LOST AN HOUR

This morning around 3am:
“Wooo wooooooo woooooooooooooo”
“Woodtdtdtd Wdtdtdtdtdtdtdt Wdtdtdtdtdtdtdtd”
WTF??!?

The Border Collies figured out that the fan makes their voices sound funny if they Wooo directly through the middle, so guess what they’ve all been doing since 3am.

[speed dating]
DATE: ding
ME: did u just make the ding sound with ur mouth
DATE: no
ME: we have 4 minutes left
DATE: *louder this time* ding

getting a “can we reschedule” text right before leaving the house

Engagement photo shoots are so funny as a concept. Like girl, we believed you

*whispers to dog wearing a ‘working dog, do not pet’ vest*
psst what time does your shift end?

I just spilled my last beer while reaching over to hit “ignore caller” on my phone. Why do bad things happen to good people?

Remembering the time we went to a party at a friend’s house, parked behind a row of cars, went in the unlocked front door, put our food on the table and I saw a family portrait and said, “OMG we’re in the wrong house!” So we grabbed our stuff and ran out the door. Totally normal.

Products that are really small are like free samples, right?

My 6yo wouldn’t eat his chocolate chip muffin bec there were too many chocolate chips in it, and now I…I just…I’m gonna need a min here.

I can’t make it tonight. There’s a couple fighting at Target and the guy just started sarcastically clapping. I need to see where this goes.

gonna start doing mildly unhinged shit to make people uncomfortable.
heat my food for 73 seconds in the microwave,
sit down in the elevator,
pick up my feet a little too high when i walk

So it turns out that all my early 20 something co-workers have been speculating behind my back that I was a teen mom, but I can’t even be mad about it because it means they thought I was 28.

I want my funeral to be invitation only. There are people I don’t want to be around even if I’m dead.

Remember friend.

A $5 iced latte a day is $25 a week, $100 a month, $1200 a year.

After 10 years.. that’s $12,000!

Which is still nowhere near enough to put a down payment on a house so enjoy your espresso in peace.

If you’ve been a bad parent this year, Santa is putting recorders in your kids’ stockings.

I feel a deep connection to librarians because I also love telling people to shut up.

My ex recently asked me if I wanted to be “Friends with Benefits” which is so psycho like dude I am a woman in her 30s, you can’t ask me something like that….I absolutely do not want new friends.

My Onlyfans is just me drawing venn diagrams and giggling

I’m going to steal my own tweets and get mad at myself.

Overheard my 11 y/o daughter record her voicemail greeting: “Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. When you hear the beep, hang up and send me a text.” This generation gets it.

when my wife is giving birth then the baby pops out and steals the hotdog i’m eating

Given the amount of clowns around here you’d think it would be more entertaining

This red flag smells like chloroformZZZ.

my mom: you still coming over today?

me: definitely

mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—

me: i cant make it

Sorry I’m late my grocery store rearranged all their aisles 2 years ago

Well I guess it’s time to learn my kids’ names.