You could tell Nigeria parents you’re going to a friend’s funeral & they’ll still ask you how many times they’ve come to yours. πππ
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Awwww finally got my nose pierced this morning.
Never fight over a bus seat with an old lady whoβs knitting.
LUMINEERS: we have a new song
PRODUCER: what’s it about?
L: deforestation and the loss of natural resources
P: what’s it called?
L: Susan
Just finished my taxes and it looks like Iβll be able to afford that vacation to the Outbackβ¦steakhouse that is.
Her: I just feel so alone
Him: Jesus loves you
Jesus: [awkwardly] Duuude shut up
It isnβt alcoholism if youβre a method actor training for a role as an alcoholic in a movie that doesnβt exist.
I find it ironic that several times a day I have to let a computer know that I’M not a robot.
If someone gets arrested for shoplifting at Kohl’s they should be able to post bail with Kohl’s cash.
u are suposed to knock on watermelons befor u eat them to make sure that u are not eatimg anybodys home
I’m only drinking a lot of beer tonight because I need the room in the fridge.
Me: So tired. So weak. Is this the coronavirus?
My body: The only vegetable you’ve had in weeks was on a pizza.
Me: Why me? I’m so young, so new to this earth
Body: You slept 20 total hours last week.
Me: Oh mortality, so cruel, so dark.
Body: Maybe drink water? Just once
if you were really my friend, you’d know my favorite kitchen utensil. it’s the ladle. ok we’re friends now.
me: where can I find shovels and toilet paper?
clerk: going camping?
me: no
Batman: Iβm going to adopt you, young teenager.
Robin: Great!
Batman: Here, put on these booty shorts.
Robin: Ummmβ¦.
Batman: Now, letβs do calisthenics together.
Nine: There’s safety in numbers
Seven: *ties napkin around his neck*
I like βfound familyβ over βchosen familyβ because it makes it sound like I discovered them under a rock. like bugs. or worms
My 6yo: (looking outside) It’s raining
My 10yo: but not pouring
Me: and the old man is not snoring
6yo:
10yo:
Me:
6yo: YOU’RE an old man
Me: π
Scientist: Finally, my modeling algorithm ‘Predicting Cat Behavior’ is complete!
Cat: *walks across the keyboard, deleting the file*
What’s the sleaziest way of fitting four multiple choice options into one?
A) Be Seedy
April showers bring may flowers. What did the Mayflower bring? Smallpox
Me: βdaft punk broke upβ
My gf: βi didnt know they were datingβ
HORROR STORY- U are the only one alive in a post apocalyptic world. U tweet and it gets retweeted!
addams family is funny because it was meant as a subversion of regular western family values, and so the wife and husband both like eachother
You have to question the modus operandi of people who use Latin for no reason.
Every time my neighbor mows his lawn at 7am, I just stand on my front porch naked with my coffee watching him.
I need to stop drinking so much. Did I say drinking. I meant thinking. I need to drink more.
My immune system was built by my grandmas and aunts licking their thumbs to wipe food off my face.
Me: who is your favourite spice girl?
Guy On The Subway: paprika and I’m a man
Do you ever wake up.
Kiss the person beside you, and just be thankful to be alive.I did.
Not really appreciated on flights apparently
I’m actually kind of handsome when you’re drunk and the light is low and there’s no other dudes around and you have low standards.
My wife texted me asking which rug would look best with our floors so now I’m frantically scrolling through her old texts hoping that at some point she’s texted pictures of what our floors look like.