Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hey…quick question, fellas:

Does it still count as leg day if you just shaved them?

If a camera adds 10 pounds then maybe stop eating them

Home is where the bag filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags is.

I always assumed the movie “Grease” got its title from how those characters managed to fit into those pants.

I texted my husband and reminded him that you guys told me a couple of weeks ago that it doesn’t take 6 hours to play 18 holes of golf.

His response, “You can’t believe everything you read on the Internet.”

Gambling is all about getting something for nothing and spending thousands of dollars trying to do it.

Hey guys who are angry that women are taking a stand against cat-calling, stop with all that scowling, you look so pretty when you smile!

I accidentally left my speech to text on while walking my dog, this is the transcript:

I’m 50. I thought I would have flown through a room almost horizontally shooting 2 handguns at the same time by now 😌💭

[at church]

ME: the fabric on these pews is so soft

HER: omg put your pants back on

it was the f*ck this of times
it was the f*ck that of times

everybody’s a toughguy until they have to use a screwdriver overhead for two minutes

I woke up with tons of motivation to go back to sleep.

Bored?
Looking for some action?

Call my parents and tell them you heard the price of stamps are going up again.

[blind date]

HIM: so Paul says that you’re a real charmer *smiles*

ME:*whips out three snakes from my bag and a flute* you bet i am

Teacher: “What is your favorite musical instrument?”

Me: “The lunch bell.”

My dog went to the vet for a check up. they said they needed to get a pic for her profile.

I log into the portal to get results and THIS is what came up 😂

Never ever make an arm wrestle bet with a man who has been single for a long time….

One of my shoes has developed a squeak and now any walking I do has a slightly downcast Charlie Brown quality to it

My kid has the wildest imagination, there isn’t even a wait when she’s playing doctor

*orders expensive cat bed*

*waits 5 weeks for overseas shipping*

*watches the cat ignore it for 6 months*

*finally throws it, defeated, on top of the wardrobe*

The opposite of Mariachi is Divorciachi

‘It’s ok, I’m from the internet’, I whisper from under your bed as you call the police.

if i had a frisbee team, our name would be Panic! At The Disc Throw and we would qualify for the regional finals and hi 5 the shit out of everyone

Somewhere there’s a bat that witnessed their parents murder who now dresses like a human.

me: *listening to the new song I like 4,000 times on repeat*

the ghost I don’t know lives in my apartment: *trying to hang himself but he’s already dead*

HEIST MASTERMIND: There’s laser tripwires everywhere, so be careful.
GUY WHO ALWAYS OPENS BAGS OF M&Ms WAY TOO HARD: Got it.

Guys, are you sure it’s a good idea to bring up proof of ownership?

My lack of pants is nobody’s business.

*stranded on a dessert island*
Day 1: This is paradise!
Day 2: I have eaten far too much chocolate cake.