Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A skeleton in a black cloak appeared. “No!” Mary screamed. “Not yet! I’m still young!” She jumped in her coupe and, tires squealing, sped off down the road.

A soapy sponge dropped from the skeleton’s hand. The Grime Reaper sighed. “Nobody ever lets me wash their car.”

If I were rich, I’d have big soft monogrammed towels for when I bathe at the gas station.

[From Basement]: *scary murdery noise*

Me: oh shit

Me: *makes slightly more scary more murdery noise*

[From Basement]: Oh shit

I’m holding my head high and my middle finger a bit higher.

Coworker: Good morning
Me (suddenly realizing this is my first interaction of the day): How are go?

typical orange cat and void cat behavior

My kid: Hurts his eye putting on safety goggles

Alanis Morisette: *deep breath*

If you die* in your dream, you die* in real life.

*pee

I wish I had the confidence of my son who just ate 3 sushi rolls before his 2 hour baseball practice.

If you’re able to roll over in your grave, you should save that energy for yelling and digging.

i gave my 4-year-old bubble wrap from a package and he thanked me for his christmas present. now i can’t stop thinking of all the money i could have saved

Wrestling is obviously fake.
Why would two people fight
over a belt when neither of
them are wearing pants?

When sewing, always remember pattern placement is key.

I asked the waiter how he was doing, and he told me all about his bad gas and hemorrhoids. Ugh, that’s the last time I go to TMI Friday’s.

Carl: So hot today.

Me: Tell me something I don’t know.

Carl: During WW II, Americans tried to train bats to drop bombs.

Me: Fair enough.

step 1. log onto instagram
step 2. find wedding day hashtags, ex. “SmithWedding2014”
step 3. use hashtag
step 4. post pictures of yaks

Great news everyone! the priest who took my confession is expected to make a full recovery

stop asking your partner if they would still love you if you were a worm and start asking them if they would still love you if you wore transition lens glasses

I’m still upset that my parents didn’t support my dream of becoming an assassin.

I’m gonna start a woman’s monthly magazine called “Period”, and some months I will send it out late to freak out subscribers

My house has been so messy lately, I’m making myself watch Hoarders to motivate me to clean it so I don’t end up starring in an episode.

Me: I’m heading out to escort the canine on a jaunty trek about the neighborhood.

My husband: Why don’t you just say you’re going to walk the dog?

Dog: *goes absolutely nuts*

Please. Stop. Tweeting. Stop. Like. Stop.This.Stop. It. Stop. Looks.stop.Like.stop A stop.Telegram.stop so. Stop. Please. Stop!

They say punching a shark is an effective way to prevent a shark attack but my preference would still be ‘land’

This looks like Wile E. Coyote trying to catch a hypochondriac Roadrunner:

me: i wish i could go live in the woods

my phone: your screen time was up 34% this week for a daily average of 7 hours

BARISTA: Thanks for coming. Enjoy your coffee!

ME: Thanks. You too!

BARISTA: You too? Oh no. Not again.

*pours ninth cup of coffee for the day and drinks it while excitedly sobbing

Wife: I just want a honest opinion of my outfit

Me *signing her up to a rap battle* and you’ll get one

Follow Sunday: @funTweeters, because boredom.

pitching a show called Hitler about a guy who’s always being attacked by time travelers