Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me, at a Renaissance Fair: Well actually, that type of staff is inappropriate for the type of wizard you are portraying.

Three golf clubs walk into a bar.
The putter ordered a beer, the pitching wedge ordered a gin & tonic.

The barman asked the third one if he wanted anything,

He replied “No thanks, I’m the driver”.

#Wednesdaymorning

Well if this doesn’t sum up 2024 perfectly I don’t know what does

The very first thing I think of doing when I buy a new electrical appliance is immersing it in water so I’m really glad the instructions warn against that.

People I live with are hiding my shit. The two most effective hiding places to date:
1) out in the open
2) where I last left it

[in front of fire]
DATE: I’m still kinda cold *she looks at my jacket*
ME: Oh! Yeah *I take off jacket & throw it in fire* That oughta do it

“I came downstairs for a zip of juice and noticed the tv was gone so I called you guys”
[cop stops writing] did you say zip of juice?

Roses are red, my real name is Dave. This poem makes no sense, microwave.

[after giving cpr]
him: ʸᵒᵘ ˢᵃᵛᵉᵈ ᵐʸ ˡᶦᶠᵉ
me: lol
him: ʷʰᵃᵗ ᵗʰᵉ ʰᵉˡˡ
me: I inhaled helium first

horses don’t know when they’re acting in a period drama. they just woke up one day and all their friends showed up in stupid outfits.

Hobby Lobby and Chick-Fil-A have one thing in common: I never go there.

Apple want $3,500 for their Vision Pro. No thanks. I can look like a dork for free.

My body feels like it’s aging in dog years

To myself: ” Try and look like you know what you’re talking about in front of the mechanic. You’re a smart woman, don’t play dumb or you’re gonna get ripped off”

Me at the mechanic: “Car vroom sounds tikatikatika. Tee hee” *hands over credit card

How the hell wizards don’t set fire to themselves, I’ll never understand; attempting to make potions and stuff, with those dangly sleeves.

I stupidly asked my kids to explain why there are rocks in the washing machine, as if I’m new to this whole parenting thing

Me: Why’d my bill go up?
AT&T: u got rid of ur land-line
M: But it should cost less if I have fewer services.
AT&T: And we threw in a donkey
M: I don’t want a donkey.
AT&T: Donkey removal is an extra $50

*hot lady looks at me*
Me: Hi! Do I know you?
Lady: No I think I’m mistaken.
*awkward pause*
Me: So…is there a mister taken?
*hit by bus*

It’s been a terrible year for burglars

nothing is certain but death, taxes, and that if anyone criticizes a billionaire online, a bunch of weird little freaks will emerge from the sewer and jump to his defense for some reason

[At the car dealership]

Me: See, this has everything I want, right here

Salesman: Sir, our soda machine is not for sale

I just spent ten minutes waving back to a guy in a storefront window before I realized he was just cleaning the glass.

Life Tip: If you get a bunch of tattoos people will never ask you to babysit.

MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very, very intelligent.

Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home…….

Me: I’m a tenor.
Her: You’re a six, and I’m being generous.

I don’t have many steadfast rules in life, but one of them is to always decline grated cheese from anyone with band-aids on their knuckles

To tell you the truth, beginning a sentence with “To tell you the truth” throws into question all else you’ve previous said.

My son asked me where babies come from. He so silly, babies are too young to come.