you couldn’t be more wrong, i on the other hand could be far more wrong due to my incredibly vast stupidity
You Might Also Like
I don’t always forget there’s new glass doors At work but when I do I make sure to walk into them face first In front of my coworkers.
Me: Can you remember life before Amazon?
Husband: Yes. We had more money.
Ex: will you take me out for my birthday?
Me, grabbing my pistol: I thought you’d never ask
Cartoons falsely taught me to expect encountering an unimaginable amount of anvils in my day to day life
Surviving Wednesday, then remembering the rest of the week still exists
A lot of childhood characters weren’t so much beloved as there wasn’t anything else on the tv
Every craft store needs an aisle labeled So Your Child Has a School Project Due Tomorrow.
people only watched my two hour youtube video dissertation on false advertising centered in the landscape of 21st century social media through to the end because I told them to ‘wait for it’ in the description
Sorry I scratched your car with my rough winter elbow.
ME: how long will it take to remodel my house?
CONTRACTOR: only about 2 months
[9 years later]
CONTRACTOR: ok so we’ve installed 1 stair
My boss: There are no stupid questions
Me: Do people get discounted manicures if they’re missing a finger?
My boss: I’m going home early
Him: You have such a beautiful soul.
Me: It’s photoshopped.
“A room in motion will stay in motion until you sober up.”
~Newton’s little known fourth law of motion
My sister got my 5 year old some glitter slime- that’s right, it’s got glitter AND it’s slime.
She has kids of her own, so it must be that I wronged her in some life-changing and tragic way.
So I’ll be over here trying to figure out what I did to her.
Don’t you love it when you’re doing a nude selfie in a leather harness and you accidentally press answer on your mom’s face time?
Assert your dominance by putting a few decorative pillows in your husband’s truck.
Nervously, I close the bag. “No way,” I tell myself. “It’s not like she’s gonna count the fries.” I start to sweat.
COUPLE: *rides off into the sunset*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: nope
[at Doctor’s office]
“When’s the last time you had sex?”
Last night.
“With a male or female?”
Oh…with another person?
Me: I can’t wait to say goodbye to 2021!
2022: *Somehow already on fire*
Therapist: You have passive aggressive issues.
Me (under my breath): says the woman who only listens to my troubles because I pay her.
[2016, cincinnati zoo. boy falls into the enclosure]
other gorilla: something brought a boy to the yard
harambe [making a milkshake]: SHIT
this month’s full moon is in virgo. you know what that means: you shouldn’t be friends with me because i will tell you shit like this
Happens to everyone.
You slid into my DM’s and now you mean to tell me you’re not gonna divorce your wife, uproot your life and leave your family FOR ME!? HOW DARE!
You call the carnival ride dangerous.
I call it “Natural Selection’s Li’l Helper.”
[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.
Someone threw a chainsaw at me this morning.
Definitely a first.
It was pretty cool.
when you see my three typing dots linger there for a long time just know I’m fighting an epic battle with autocorrect