“You couldn’t handle me at my worst”
OMG, you mean this isn’t it.
And that’s how the fight started.
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Sorry I used the word flaccid twice in your wedding toast.
Don’t tell me how to lift my baby
mike tyson’s full name is mike thank you son
Customer: We are never coming back!
Me: Promise?
When someone says they worked like a dog, I’m envious because every dog I’ve ever known has done nothing all day long.
“How about we go with a gerund, but, like, maybe just half a gerund.”
– How ING Bank got its name
Her: I think my fathers in jail.
Me: No, No, No… He’s in Alabama. It’s like jail, but with trees.
me: thanks for letting me work from home
boss: *turns off shower* I meant your home
“Hey honey”
*drags a cigarette*
“have you ever”
*drinks some scotch*
“slept with a guy”
*sucks a lollipop*
“with three arms?”
I’d like to schedule a disappointment.
Her: I just saw my parents having sex on the couch.
Me: Please tell me that’s a drink…
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
*from upstairs* HONEY…WHERE ARE MY BUSINESS PYJAMAS??
It’s the year 2057, humans are shaped like candy canes from years of looking down at their phones. Striped-clothing is always in fashion.
I undo his overall strap & slide it off a barely perceptible shoulder. I pull his steel work goggle down around his “neck”
“BanaNA” he moans
interviewer: describe your hero
me: I needed to borrow space in a friend’s freezer but it was full so she ate enough food to make room
I’ve been online shopping so much, lately Amazon welcomes me with “You again?”
Well I gave my middle son a haircut and long story short it is a darn good thing he’s stuck at home
Me: Sometimes I feel like instead of actively listening, you’re just waiting for your turn to talk
Poltergeist: throws dishes
Dad: I’m sorry sweetie, times are hard so we had to send your pony sprinkles to the glue factory
Sprinkles: *at the conveyor putting lids on glue bottles* this is some bullshit
When listening to skinny girls talk about losing weight it’s perfectly reasonable to battle cry then karate chop their tiny stomach’s.
“Is that a banana in ur pocket or are u just happy to see me haha”
[i pull a hand full of lasagna out of my pocket] “Actually it’s lasagna”
I thought I needed to get a divorce and start a new life in a foreign country and then I realized I was just hungry.
People: My cell phone isn’t working today
Cell phone carrier: The sun spit on us.
People: Doesn’t it do that all the time though?
Cell phone carrier: Big spit. Huge.
Save money on your next colon exam, grammar police do it for free
Name fifty reasons you think I’m too demanding.
They should make fortune cookies with more obtainable fortunes:
You will vacuum the living room.
You will run into the coffee table.
How many beer trucks can you “accidentally” run into before your insurance company becomes suspicious?
‘I just call it like I see it…’ -People giving their unsolicited opinion about their unsolicited opinions.
I bet if Jesus had turned water into Vodka. The Bible would’ve been a lot more interesting.