Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m beginning to suspect this fat phase isn’t a phase

When you did see a few red flags but you’re sure you can change him

Sometimes Jesus appears on toast, sometimes pancakes, sometimes waffles. Always on breakfast food. Why? It’s the most important meal.

[wearing World’s Best Dad shirt]
Wife: whys there blood on your shirt?
Me: its not my blood
Guy bleeding out in the yard: its not your shirt

Stop making me make accounts. A lightbulb that changes colors shouldn’t require an account. A TV speaker shouldn’t require an account.

There’s an old man sittin’ next to me
Makin’ love to his napkin and knife
And he’s talkin’ with Davy who’s covered in gravy
And probably will be for life

So anyway that’s why you failed your health inspection. You can read the rest in the report.

Putin: I have returned Russia to its glory days, once again we have launched a dog into space
Reporter: when will it return
Putin: WHat

space horror is the best horror. what’s out there? no one knows! big rocks. creepy things. sticky things. math! stuff on fire. big holes. big holes with math in them.

My wife completely ignores me when she watches Grey’s Anatomy……so I ordered the first 5 seasons.

FRIEND: you gotta go home and show your wife who’s boss

ME: damn right

[later]

ME: jen listen up *pulls out photo* this is my manager tim

You are the wind beneath my overly-sensitive, motion-activated floodlight.

The odds of Jesus coming a second time are about the same as those of ANY man coming a second time. #amirightladies

All these years, i thought Ricky Martin was singing, chicken bonbon, chicken bonbon

Prime Day landing on the same day I get my period?
I need a bigger cart

AXL ROSE: Where do we go? Where do we go now? Where do we go-o-o-o?
GOOGLE MAPS: Shut up for a minute and I’ll tell you

I’ve started my new diet by putting a salad in front of the beer.

Thus I have to move it to get a beer.

Because exercise is important too.

I don’t talk about my ex’s because I like to start of with a clean slate. That, and they’re dead to me. Well, to everyone, but mostly me.

I DO NOT recommend a talking scale.

My scale: I thought you were on a diet.

my head, thawed from cryogenic storage 1000 years in future: boy, i could go for a pizza

lab staff: what is ..peet-za?

my head: throw me out the window right now i’m not even exaggerating

The chinese translation for penguin is business goose.

12: I can’t wait to be an adult.

Me: I can’t wait for you to find out how wrong you were about this.

*writes “Place sacrifice here” on baby changing station in Wal-Mart bathroom*

They laughed when I said I was going to be a comedian.

Well, they’re not laughing now.

I don’t know who started the malicious rumour I’m mostly mole but I’m going to keep digging.

🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark!🎶

ME: *scattering remains* He loved this park.

PARK RANGER: But…but he hasn’t been cremated!

ME: *lowering axe* Cremated?

My friend was like, the flies are SO BAD this year. And I was like, the flies ain’t gettin’ nothin’ for Christmas.

me: I’d like 2 copies of Math For Dummies

cashier: they’re $5 a piece

me: [sweating profusely] here’s $47.00

Me: I know what you’re thinking. Everyone thinks it’s suspicious that my husbands died of natural causes so early in life
Him: One fell while hiking, one tumbled out of his office window and the other drove his car into the ocean.
Me: Gravity is natural.

I like to refer to my psychiatrist as a “serotonin artist.”