You couldn’t make Blazing saddles today. it took way more than a day to make that movie.. and it’s like 10:00 right now.
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If our children don’t learn cursive, how will they ever be able to read those inspirational tattoos people put on their ribs?
before you test me just know there are no toddlers allowed in prison and that sounds really nice to me right about now
“Son, you suck.”
-Dracula, teaching his children basic survival tactics
her voice was as silky as silken tofu. but her words were as firm as extra firm tofu
I could never kill someone…
Not one of my knives cuts properly. Not even to cut an onion.
this may be difficult to process but the real reason nana had plastic on her furniture was because she was a mob assassin
“No woman, no cry.” – Tarzan breaking up with girlfriend.
Police chief: So what do we know about the serial killer?
Detective: He’s white
Other detective: A muscular build
Me: He kills people
DAD: My daughter ran away [hands him old photo]
DETECTIVE: You have a recent photo?
DAD: [shows him 9,674 selfies with the dog filter]
A hearse was in front of me in the drive through lane at a burger joint. I have questions.
What was a common name in the Middle Ages? I heard people named their kids Lance a lot
Me, a cop: you’re gonna have to do a lie detector test
Detainee: I mean ok
Me: first question, do you like my outfit be honest
who called it a toilet and not an IP address
My daughter just said it’s cold outside so she’s going to wear “a long sleeve shirt and long sleeve shorts.” Pants. She’s going to wear pants.
I feel like it’s customary to lose a meatball out of your sub when you’re wearing your favorite shirt.
A snow angel, except a floor covered in puppies.
I got my daughter 3 tiny worry dolls. Each night she tells one worry to each, & puts them under her pillow.
She said they’re taking her worries away so I figured I’d try, though it’s kind of hard to get comfortable with 817 of these things beneath my head.
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP*looking for condom in my “Beat It” zipper jacket*
[blind date]
HER: I love classic rock.
ME: (trying to impress) I’ve been to Stonehenge.
SIRI: Brian, what goes “blah blah blah, I don’t know anything, please help me”?
ME: Uhh
SIRI: It’s you. That’s what you sound like.
buying dead houseplants to save time
8y/o: What’s sex?
ME: [slightly uncomfortable] Umm. Well, what it is, umm-
8y/o: [to friend] Told ya he wouldn’t know. Pay up
medium: so you want to contact your wife
me: I can still hear her voice
wife: [howling] let me iiiiiin
me: it’s like she’s watching me
wife: [through window] I forgot my keys
Getting a cat is SO much easier. Go outside. Put cat food out. Pet whatever comes to eat it. Best 30 raccoons I’ve ever had. Also rabies.
El Chapo is a murderous Mexican drug lord. El Chapo Supreme is a murderous Mexican drug lord with sour cream, lettuce and tomato.
Missionary so I can look him in the eyes and ask him why Ashley from work is texting him with heart eyes.
likes 853 pics in your media, don’t make this awkward boo.
accidentally made eye contact with my neighbour when i was perched on my car like a pterodactyl
You guys would not believe the roller coaster of emotions I’ve been through
