You couldn’t make The Godfather today. It’s almost midnight, and making films takes ages.
You Might Also Like
My gf thought it was so cute when she found out I owned a pair of tap shoes
Until I got drunk, and put them on
[parole hearing]
“What will u do if released?”
“Kill everyone on the jury.”
“What?”
“Buy everyone jewellery.”
“Aw. Granted.”
Growing up was a huge mistake
If you see me in court you’d think I was furiously taking notes, but 9 times out of 10, I’m usually drawing a t-rex eating a witness.
computer, i’m sad. show me a headline to cheer me up
7yo: *eating granola bar* What are you doing?
Me: Cooking dinner.
7yo: *eating 2nd granola bar* Why?
Me: I have no idea.
Murderer: *trying to break into my home* *struggling with the baby gate*
Me: It’s a – you have to pull with your thumb while you LIFT
Murderer: Like this? I don’t-
Me: Yeah, yeah, now LIFT
Murderer: *jiggling gate* You know what, I’ll try a different house. You have a good night!
Date: “so, tell me a bit about yourself”
Me: “NICE TRY, FEDS”
Technically… It’s only illegal when you get arrested.
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
CLASSIC ROCK DJ: What should I play?
ANGEL ON HIS SHOULDER: Wow, so many options! Decades of music and thousands of bands to choose from!
DEVIL ON HIS SHOULDER: What about the same 14 songs over and over again?
Had to go out in public so I put on lipstick before I remembered that’s not a thing anymore.
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
‘god is not a potato’ is one of those phrases that is going to live rent free in my head forever. and i’m not mad about it
[first date]
HER: So, do you like children?
ME: Oh sure, I’ll eat anything.
HER: What?
ME: What?
My wife: “What’s Twitter like?”
Me: “It’s amazing.”
Her: “OK, I’ll join.”
Me: “Oh look, Twitter just shut down forever. That’s too bad.”
My kid has Monday off for what school is calling “Family Connection Time.” I’ve had 5 years and 3 summer months of that. Take my kid.
Dude yapping nonstop at the gym just said he works out in the afternoons to avoid people who talk. Is it okay to fling a dumbbell at him?
Car commercials are so insane, like hey we’re going to the mountains to chase owls in our kia sorento, alright take it easy penelope.
Went for a run and now I have to find a way to trade my body in for scrap
I bet the first person to keep track of his age was a gigantic tool
“This is my 24th winter”
Shut up and help us kill this boar, Stuart
When I die, I want to donate my hands and feet to become the hands and feet of a snowman so people will think “Wow that snowman has a person inside!” But as it slowly melts they will realize that it’s just my severed hands and feet.
I have an actual woodpecker in my backyard and now I can see why these guys had so many problems with Woody. I wouldn’t throw a grenade at him or anything but I might if I had one
I hate when my boss wants to talk politics and asks me things like why isn’t your report done and why are you always late?
People keep coming to me for advice like they forget that back in the day I turned down a bitcoin to repair someones computer for them and did it for a few beers instead.
I’ve noticed that my parents talk about ‘the good old days’, they always seem to stop at 1979. Which is great, because that’s also the year I was born,wait… What?
Hey Facebook…Meta sounds like the name of Elon Musk’s next girlfriend.
watching the kids play hide and seek in the park and mine just hid behind a chain link fence
at least we don’t have to save for college
Grease (1978, musical)
A highschool girl wins happiness and the acceptance of her peers by changing who she is and taking up smoking.
The very existence of a flying mammal is intrinsically insulting to a flightless bird. Hence the huge animosity involved in The Penguin vs Batman.