You couldn’t make The Godfather today. It’s almost midnight, and making films takes ages.
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His best quality?
His bad eyesight. He thinks I’m beautiful.
*Coats body in coffee grains
*Waits for osmosis to occur
JUMP
ING
UP
AND
DOWN
ON
THE
TRAMP
O
LINE
OUT
SIDE
YOUR
WIN
DOW
IS
NOT
HOW
I
WANT
ED
TO
BREAK
UP
WITH
YOU
KAR
EN
My boyfriend took me to dinner and insisted I order my food in a robot voice, so I took him to bed and insisted he make Chewbacca noises.
In order to stop teeth grinding, it’s recommended you sleep with your jaw slightly ajar.
While you’re at it, you may as well lay out a welcome mat for spiders.
looks like stacy’s mom has got some competition
You think you found a parking spot and then boom. Kia damn Soul.
stand with me against insufficient seating
Him: “I’ve seen people cry at weddings, but not the rehearsal dinner.”
Me: “I usually don’t cry…but these potatoes are just so awesome!”
A Mexican stand-off, but it’s 3 Canadians each trying to pay the bill and they all have to pee
I’ve got to start taking better care of myself. Tomorrow I’ll walk to the liquor store.
Don’t tell me I don’t know anything about love. I just saw them open up a cheesecake sampler at Costco.
Sometimes I forget that people can see me tiptoe away mid-conversation.
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
Life doesn’t do much to prepare you for when a coworker gets bangs and asks what you think of her hair.
I ate so much Chef Boyardee growing up, the only information I want from a colonoscopy is if my innards are stained orange like old Tupperware
I woke up with an almighty hangover to the sound of my neighbour mowing his lawn at 8am.
He’ll have to mow round me, I’m not moving.
Just walked in front of my cat’s screen while he was on a zoom call.
The problem with baking cinnamon rolls is that you will eat them all in one go
Me: I can’t live like this anymore, I need to start eating healthier.
Also Me: I couldn’t decide between nuggets or a burger so I got both.
PSA: Calories don’t count today because February 29 doesn’t really exist.
My neighbors were up shouting all night. I could barely hear my bagpipes.
Hello, I’m a professor in a movie, I only reach the main point of my lecture right as class is ending. Then I yell at students about the reading / homework as they leave.
[first date]
Her: I want a man who’s not afraid to say what’s on his mind.
Me: What happened to your eyebrows?
Her: Not like that.
me: I brought a note from my doctor
dungeon master: that’s not… look, your character has to battle
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
Me: If there was a fire and you could only save me or the cat, who would you save?
Her:
Me:
Her: I feel like you’ve had a good run.
ME: what time would you like me at the restaurant?
HER: I don’t even like you now
These hair growth vitamins are sure making my mustache fill in nicely.
Bro are you joking? Are you being a court jester right now? Dude, are you jumping around in your jingly jangly hat bro?