Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The Matrix described 1999 as the peak of human civilization and I laughed because that would obviously not age well but then the next 23 years happened and now I’m like yeah okay maybe the machines had a point

When your workplace is in chaos but your shift ended 6 seconds ago

2008: Busy, trying to balance work and home life.

2018: Busy watching a video of a lemon rolling down the street.

I went for a job as a stunt double, I stubbed my toe on my way out the door. As soon as I stopped crying, I went to the interview. Bravery.

I have never understood why people need to shovel snow. Why don’t they just live someplace warm where it doesn’t snow?

-watches two minutes of the news

-locks kids in their rooms forever

When I was a kid, we weren’t allowed to use our phones in school.

Mainly because the cords wouldn’t reach.

[murder scene]

DETECTIVE: What do we have here?

ME: Dead people. Jesus, Frank, is this your first fuckin day?

me 10m after sprinkling lavender essential oil on my pillow: I am one with all beings

me 10m after getting in my car: learn how to use the left lane you piece of human shit

OLD MAN: I fought in WWII
ME: Oh yeah? What was your kill:death ratio
OLD MAN: what
ME: Can you rocket jump?
OLD MAN: I wish Hitler had won

I use the phrase “when I win the lottery” a lot for someone who never buys any lottery tickets.

PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask

ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged

Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?

JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back

inventor of murder: I’m going to make a killing

[on my deathbed]

“Grandchildren…great-grandchildren. I want to give you the best advice I can offer from a life well-lived. Don’t read the comments.”

*dies*

2Pac won’t answer me on the ouija board which leads me to believe he’s alive and i’m high.

I hope my company doesn’t😂😂

You better check your child’s halloween candy bc I’m giving out polyhedral dice this year, and if you thought drugs were bad just wait until you see how addicting D&D is.

Kids will be like “let’s play hide and seek!”, look for you for five seconds and then get bored, start playing hot wheels or some other crap and leave you contorted up in the laundry room

My teen: How do you not know how to play video games?

Also my teen: So all you have to do is press left, right, up, circle, triangle, square all while holding onto the upper left button.

[slipping waiter a five dollar bill]
can you make sure my green beans and mac n cheese don’t touch on the plate

All my friends asking me for a #PS5 😂

“the immaturity and the copying are my main issues” I say in a whiny voice as my wife storms out of the counsellors office

“the average CEO reads 52 books a year” yeah bc they don’t have a JOB

[interview]
BOSS: So you have zero experience?
ME: Hire me & I’ll give u a sweet nickname
B: That’s absurd..
ME: Lazerwolf
B: Welcome aboard

The doctor should ask how often you miss your mouth entirely when drinking

Picture a fox. Wrong. They are smaller than that.

Filming my own version of “Taken” using cats. My cat will play Liam Neeson and the red dot from a laser pointer is his daughter.