Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Waffle House interview]

Manager:“How good are you at avoiding flying chairs?”

Her:“I’m basically a Jedi.”

Manager:“When can you start?”

Me: *walks up to Walgreens cashier with a pack of condoms* Excuse me, where are your fitting rooms?

Jogging

Wife: Honey, you may not be the sharpest tool in the shed, but you are adorable

Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …when did we get a shed?

Just found seven Easter eggs while putting up Halloween decorations.

The most embarrassing thing on my phone is my calculator history

ME: I think human cloning is a big mistake

ALSO ME: ok wow, I’m right here

good morning to everyone but especially the cat who stuck her entire paw in my cup of coffee

I’d be safe working at Boeing (I’m not blowing anything these days)

“I feel like I got off on the wrong foot.” – Star of a foot fetish flick criticizing his performance

I miss dating

The excitement of meeting someone new, that feeling of butterflies when you see if you can climb out their bathroom window…

Strike fear into the heart of your teen by telling them that you want to hang out while they have friends over.

i was one of the palm trees waving around in the background of every 16 bit game in the 90’s so yes random guy you do know me from somewhere

Every time I go to Baskin-Robbins their hamburger machine is broken.

You know you have something special w someone when u start finishing their sentences. But enough about me & my local Subway sandwich artist

I like arugula because it’s good for me, delicious, and an old fashioned car horn sound.

But that’s my emotional support bin of clothes that are too small for me now.

Judging by the hair on my black shirt , I’m surprised I have any cat left at all.

[Pompeii 79 AD]

me: wow can’t believe I’m finally a homeowner. Nothing could ruin this day.

Captain: Did you break the sonar again?

Me: Yessir. I’m sorry

Captain: This is why we can’t have nice pings

I enjoy romantic scrolls up and down your timeline.

My dad after seeing my solo show this weekend:

“you know, that easily could have been a Netflix special … The quality on those has really gone down a lot”

I RECEIVED AN EMAIL ALERTING ME TO “HOLIDAY TREATS” IN THE OFFICE KITCHEN AND THERE ARE FOUR ORANGES AND SOME DRIED FIGS I’M SUING

9yo: Did you know that long, long ago. Like, really long ago, it took computers MINUTES to connect to the internet. Like actual MINUTES.
Me: Yeah… I knew that.
9yo: Of course you did because you like history.
Me: Go away now.

A Spanish bodybuilder told me he’s run out of protein powder.

I thought: “No whey, Jose.”

Ambivalence is me knowing that I gotta fit into this bridesmaid’s dress but also that these ice cream flavors mix really well together.

Bake cookies and the house smells good for 20 minutes.

Bake fish and 4 months later the house still smells like an episode of Deadliest Catch.

Please stop saying, “not all heroes wear capes.” It is hurting business and times are very hard here at the cape factory lately.

I’m an Easter egg in the streets and a deviled egg in the sheets.