Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[dismissed from jury duty because I kept coughing loudly the words ‘bribe me’]

YOU: Hi.
ME: *breathes in deeply, making my body puff up so that it seems too big to eat*

marriage is sneezing 3 times in a row and then hearing someone in the next room yell “JESUS CHRIST”

“I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” seems like a great slogan for tequila

when your ex needs to go to space about it, you won the divorce

a squirt gun filled with tuna water would be a pretty devastating weapon

DOCTOR: You should lose some weight

ME: Ok I’ll consider it

VET: Your dog should lose some weight

ME: Hey bud, you’re going on a diet!

[throws dirty diaper away]
– OMG WHAT R U DOING?!
– it’s gross im not touching that
– GET THE BABY OUT OF THE TRASH & CHANGE IT!
– ugh, fine

Overheard a woman telling another woman “It’s $150 and she supplies all the turtles” and whatever it is, I’m in.

Me: ‘Goodnight.’

Brain: ‘Where shall we begin?’

my date ended up being a mannequin
i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the movies

My daughter hates bread crust so today I put a little extra effort in my sandwich making and I cut off the crust for her because I love her. She’s so sweet and showed her gratitude by eating around her sandwich like it had a crust. I just can’t win at this game.

I hear you calling out to me. I miss you too! Soon baby, soon!

– me to my bed.

Aww my microbiome fancies some high quality fermented foods does it? A little kombucha perhaps? I don’t give a shit, I’m the megabiome, I do what I want. I’m having a fanta lemon. I’ll swallow coins

As a kid I was forced to deal with the feelings when my dad went to the store for cigarettes and came back every time.

It’s hard to overstate the pressure and anxiety I feel when a stray ball comes onto the sidelines at my feet and the Pee-Wee coach and all the six-year olds look at me as if to say “surely you, a grown man, can accurately kick that ball back to the ref while everyone watches.”

When I unsubscribe from an e-mail list, and they have one of those annoying surveys asking for a reason why I unsubscribed, I click “Other” and write “I used to make sweet love to your CEO and these e-mails are a painful reminder of our time together.”

Someone just gave the agenda for the “third half” of our meeting. Guessing it won’t involve fractions.

It’s easier for me to bite than my dogs, my neighbors finally get it

January has been Januweary

wife: we should get a pet

me: *nodding* a wolf

wife: are you insane? those are dangerous

me: a large dog

wife: ok thats a good compromis-

me: that hates the moon

I think I speak for all of us when I say I’m being presumptuous.

I set a rat trap last night & this morning the cheese was gone & there was a picture of my kids in it, what does this mean

CONTRACTOR: *shows up to my house with a paintball gun*

ME: You’re gonna paint my den with that?!

CONTRACTOR: *chewing cigar* You want it done right or done fast?

ME: *Considers* … come in.

[waking up on sunday morning]

me: ugh, I can’t believe what I did last night

*looks around to see piles of perfectly folded laundry*

Link: [plays ‘Song of Time’]

Zelda: No no that’s all wrong! There’s no E in that melody.

Link: [plays ‘Song of Tim’]

[david attenborough voice] wolves, also known as nature’s best animal, have been cool for hundreds of thousands of years

[Date arrives wearing a turtleneck]
Him: What should we do?
Me: May as well just go ahead and dump my body in the woods right now.

Hello pollen my old friend, my nose is running once again.

Accidentally connected my Fitbit account to Facebook and now everyone knows I only walked 13 steps yesterday.