Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

GOD: I will send you to Earth to be a martyr.

JESUS: What’s a martyr?

GOD: Not much, what’s a martyr with you?

Me: “I’m looking for a psychic who rates themselves highly.”
Ian: “I’m a medium.”
Me: “I need someone better than that.”

I have 2 friends that are trying to become models, and I’m just over here with 75 chicken mcnuggets in my cheeks like a squirrel.

Chutes and Ladders except it’s just me pushing you down the steps cause you said you didn’t want any pizza yet you helped yourself anyway

You attract more men when you smell like butter, sautéed ham and onions than any expensive perfume.

I’m too high watching Secret Agent Cody Banks and my friends didn’t take an edible so I have to act like I’m not high it’s almost like I am also Secret Agent Cody Banks rn

I have taken up painting

HER: i’m leaving you

HIM: is it because we can’t have children or my obsession with The Princess Bride?

HER: both

HIM: [under breath] inconceivable

i was negotiating with a big but troublesome customer once about a project they wanted us to give them a schedule for without any sort of financial commitment. after a few back and forths where they weren’t getting what they wanted, they tried a new tack:

“well let’s pretend we give you guys the go ahead. what would the release date be then?”

me: “well in that case we’d pretend to give you a release date.”

there was a few moments of silence. i wasn’t invited back to future calls.

If you’re not supposed to abuse cough syrup then why does it come with a little plastic shot glass?

Kids will really get mad and tell you Mom don’t ever do THAT again, and THAT is just sending fruit in their school lunch

My kid when he’s in trouble will be like wow you make the best water it’s so wet like I don’t know what he’s doing

Dealing with your ex before driving across town in traffic is great for the blood pressure…

Well of course the supermassive black hole that will eventually annihilate our galaxy is a Sagittarius.

Sir!!

DTF (Down time finally)

-mom’s everywhere

me: clean your room
teen: okay

(30 minutes later)
me: clean your room!
teen: okay!

(one hour later)
me: *changes wifi password*

And now we wait.

I just realized I’m back working retail during the holiday season which means I will inevitably make many people angry when I tell them “Happy holidays!”

Just realized I follow Barack Obama and he follows me back. Excuse me while I send the leader of the free world a DM about Harry Potter.

There are two types of people in politics. Avoid them.

(my first day as a transformer)

optimus prime: Transformers, roll out!

Me:*transforms into hotdog cart* CAN I GET A PUSH HERE

76 vanilla wafers later.

“I don’t like these.”

Secret hideout busted…🐈🐾😂😂

Being in the friend zone is like an employer turning you down for a job, then calling you regularly bitching about the person they did hire.

Wife: I’m leaving with the kids if you don’t stop pretending our house is a hospital

Me: That would be great, we really need the beds

Me: It makes me so happy that after all of these years I still take your breath away.

Wife: Just hand me my inhaler.

JESUS: *Turns water into La Croix*
ME: *Takes sip* Oh…yeah. I guess… *takes another sip* Yeah, I guess this is kind of different.
JESUS: Better?
ME: No… no, not better.

If you liked “These Boots Are Made for Walkin” youll enjoy other hits like “This Toaster Toasts Things” and “Whats the Phone Number for 911”

Kids: the floor is lava!

Me: *slowly rolls off couch*

Some of these fake tans look like an old Tupperware container that’s had marinara sauce in it.