You: Cute kid. What’s his name?
Me: Kenwood.
You:
Me: I’m really into stereotypes.
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Me: waiter, do you have frog legs?
Waiter: of course monsieur
Me: good, hop over there and get me a beer
15: Geez. You make me never want to have a girlfriend.
Me: Joke’s on you, bud, I make a lot of men decide they don’t want a girlfriend.
“This is literally the worst beer I’ve ever tasted.”
*finishes six pack*
Flight attendant: As you’ve sat near the emergency doors, you have to help me in an emergency
Me: ok[3 months later]
Flight attendant *calling me* omg help I’ve been stabbed
Me: wtf
I’m being attacked 😭
You scream, we all scream, I apologize for entering the womens bathroom.
I’ll straight up listen to yacht rock on a house boat and house music on a yacht I really don’t give a shit anymore.
Every time I go into the freezer I ritualistically sacrifice at least one piece of ice to the kitchen floor gods.
cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
me: I’m not psychic, Craig
cop: my name is Greg
me: I work at Starbucks
Top causes of divorce:
1. Finances
2. Infidelity
3. Unmet expectations
4. Growing apart
5. Tandem bikes
[at my funeral]
puppeteer looks over at my wife: I’m so sorry, it was in his will
[i sit up in the casket]
I’m a model citizen, just a tiny, fake replica of an actual citizen.
*flashlight under chin*
Me: And then the accountant told her how many more years she had to work until retirement.
*all the adults scream*
fed my baby with a knife* today if you’re wondering how hard core of a dad I am
*blunted, plastic butter knife
I would wear Nike but I’m not a “Just do it” kinda guy. I’m more of a “Meh, I don’t wanna” kinda guy… so I wear Sketchers
Hey! With the intention of somehow making you pay later for cheekily stealing those fries from me
i can promise you i will never love anyone enough to ride a tandem bike with them
FIRST GUY TO EAT A BANANA: hey this is good come here and try it
FIRST GUY TO SLIP ON A BANANA PEEL: ok
I came back from the grocery store with a bag of fresh vegetables and when my wife asked what I’d bought I said it was a bag full of good intentions
I’m sorry but I CANNOT believe that the verified Nickelodeon TikTok posted this
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
Arrest that man!
*gets period*
“So that’s why I’ve been in a mood for the last 24 days.”
[before Toto]
Rain down in Africa: *sneezes*
You washed your hands? Be honest. Your hands washed each other, and you just watched like a sick freak.
It’d be funny if Hannibal Lecter was a terrible cook. Just microwaving kidney quesadillas or whatever. Mac & cheese with chopped up fingers.
NURSE: *bursts into break room* A man just came to the ER with a broken bone thru his skin!
DR DOG: *looks at other Drs* I’ll take this one
When someone slings shit at me, I like to duck and let it hit the person stabbing me in the back.
One of these days I’m going to see a video on Tik Tok that tells me I have been breathing wrong my whole life and I’m just gonna stop.
My mom would probably complain in my funeral about how somebody’s son died better