You: Cute kid. What’s his name?
Me: Kenwood.
You:
Me: I’m really into stereotypes.
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one time I was standing on the train platform with my airpods in and a guy taps me so I take one out and he goes “I just wanted to let you know i’m not trying to k*ll myself, I’m just jumping down to grab my hat” and jumped onto the tracks
[guy about to invent magic 8-ball]
*kicking a ball* i could really use some vague advice
Mugger *shows knife*
Crocodile Dundee “No this is a knife”
*pulls out huge knife*
Alanis Morrisette “Hang on”
*sifts through 10,000 spoons*
Jacob Marley: You will be haunted, by three spirits
Me: Ok, like that’s any worse than being haunted by the stupid thing I said in science class back in 2000.
Just saw a squirrel wipe down a peanut he took from my hand.
Got a booty text from my ex-husband so I did the logical thing and forwarded it to his new girlfriend.
RANGER: watch out for wolves
ME: oh ya?
RANGER: so relentless-
[wolf runs up w/ bible] HAVE U HEARD ABOUT OUR LORD & SAVIOR JESUS CHRIST
Haggis- the meal you have to stomach twice
I can tell she’s pissed, the floors look amazing.
You ever rub yourself with tuna and go to a cat shelter to seem like you’re a cat whisperer?
Doc: We’re gonna need a bigger straightjacket.
I only drink Smart Water now.
I think it’s really helping my…
my head thinking thingie.
I don’t think I’m cut out for parenting.
– me, with four kids, ages 14 to 23.
Taking the dog to the vet see you in $300
I heard a sexy “i saw mommy kissing sata claus” which is unsettling—either the adult saw her senior mother kiss Santa (her dad?) and is horned up about it OR she’s singing about herself being Mommy having an out of body dissociation, either way, up her prescriptions
The gross is always greener on the outside
I say as I look at the 4yo who just sneezed
[meeting]
DIRECTOR: I want amazing CGI
PRODUCER: Yes!
D: A huge cast
P: Agreed!
D: Realistic family photos
P: We don’t have the budget
Me: I let my guard down.
Prison guard: I’m not angry, just disappointed.
If you encounter a bear DON’T RUN. Maintain eye contact. Keep maintaining it. Fall in love. Marry the bear. Tell story to your grandbearbies
ADVERT: Have you been involved in an accident at work…
*looks up from hospital bed*
ADVERT: …that wasn’t your fault…
ME: Oh.
He instantly became one of the bros
Someone with OCD visited my TL whilst I was napping and now all my tweets
seem to be facing the same way.
I want to go back in time and find pre-kid me who thinks she is “so busy” and “so tired.” And I want to smack her.
Welcome to your 40’s. You’ll be mad if a neighbor doesn’t mow their lawn.
911: What’s your emer-
She said don’t get her anything for Valentine’s Day!
911: And you didn’t?
No!
911: Placing you in protective custody.
Grandpa: Look at you, shivering and hiding under the covers like a four year old. It was just a ghost story, no different than the ones I always told.
Me: BUT YOU’VE BEEN DEAD FOR 41 YEARS!
Him: It’s been 20 minutes! I know what you’re doing in there! Stop it!
Me: *in shower* No! I’ve waited all day!
Him: Don’t do it! Get out!
Me: *touching my face* You can’t stop me!
*pencils in some “spontaneity time” on my schedule for this week*
The electric toothbrush battery died but luckily my skill set allows me to use it like a manual.
My son said he’d do something in a minute.
So far it’s been 185 days, 16 hours & 11 minutes but who’s counting.
Me: I’ll start work early so I can stop working earlier
Also me: *just works twice as many hours cuz I started earlier