Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Telling our kids we were born before the Internet is going to be the new ‘I walked to school in the snow without shoes’

ME (calling my horse with no name):

My buddy telling me to invest in crypto I’m like dude I haven’t even figured out regular money yet

I was told flattery would get you everywhere but the bank manager in charge of this vault does not agree.

Nice mustache, bro.

Her: What?

america: tremble at our nuclear might
also america: we skip the number 13 on elevators when we build skyscrapers cos that’s spooky

Name an organ more dramatic than the uterus

Like, she doesn’t get a baby and she throws an absolute fit. Tearing everything down and throwing it out in the lawn so now it’s everyone’s problem 🙄

Girl, if you’re into rocks, I promise you’ll be

Wolverine was named that because he was a combination of a wolf and a nectarine I will not be taking questions at this time.

My friend asked if I pee a little when I sneeze like I’m some sort of multitasker.

I sit in the corner eating my tortillas completely confused by this salsa class.

Have you heard about the late great actor?
“Wow, he’s dead?”
*Actor strolls in*
Nope, just never on time.

I never feel quite so uncertain as when I’m walking the dog and a neighbor driving by waves to me but my free hand has a bag of poop in it.

To tell the difference between an African and an Indian elephant, you look at its ears, then lift one up and shout “WHERE ARE YOU FROM M8?”

I’ve never been as disappointed as my dog just was when she realized the food I dropped was a carrot.

The neighbor’s 5yo keeps yelling “are we boyfriend and girlfriend” across the fence at my 5yo, and my kid just came running in the house and slammed the door, so I guess that answers that

GF: I’m leaving you because you’re obsessed with Spanish puns and Despicable Me.

ME: Please don’t go. You’re Juan in a minion.

I have so many mood swings I’m basically a park now

I know this is the kind of thing everyone avoids talking about, but I’m going to say it.
I think I’m smarter than most, if not all, babies.

You could completely eliminate the semicolon key and 90% of America wouldn’t notice… until they needed to wink at somebody.

bought some granny panties— turns out they’re not even made of little old ladies

This will be my last writing as I’ve just entered IKEA with my family.
Tell my story.
No, not that one.
No, not that one either. Why would I want you to tell people about my time in a Turkish prison with a pregnant meerkat? Idiot.

If I had a nickel every time a recent film featured a nihilistic, multiverse traveling supervillain who causes the protagonist to encounter other versions of themselves all because of a bagel- I’d have two nickels. Which isn’t a lot but it’s weird that it happened twice.

My mother’s kitchen floor is so clean you could eat off it. You could eat off mine too, there’s all kinds of stuff down there.

After dinner the other husbands and I retire to the garage and silently take turns climbing my new ladder.

I’m finally putting that giant exercise ball to use, and my core is hurting from laughing at Toddler Dodgeball.

Niece: A have a lot of friends named Nathan, there’s Nathan…(endless droning about nicknames)

Me: When they are together, do you call them The United Nathans?

(Not sure what happened after that because I was laughing hysterically at what may be the best dad joke ever made.)

cracking the ice cubes out probably feels so good for the ice tray

son: school just got canceled

me: oh shit what did it do

The hunt for apples and oranges on tinder was the biggest disaster of my life. Mission failed: we’ll get em next time.