You dance like nobody is watching. I eat like that.
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[Knock at the door]
Man: Can we talk to you about Jesus?
Mary: What’s he done this time?
[me going to literally any sporting event] i better wear my sneakers in case they need another player
Shout out to the zillow listing where someone was just like eff it, the giant bottle of vodka stays in the kitchen pic
There’s no denying that I have an effect on men. Mostly migraines, but an effect nonetheless.
If I don’t make this right hand turn going exactly 3 mph, the entire universe will explode & everyone will die.
– the lady in front of me
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’ve got a license
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
Kids: *doing something they shouldn’t*
Me: Stop or I’ll be mad
Kids: *keep doing it*
Me: Stop or Mom will be mad
Kids:*stop immediately*
Another normal evening
Cook food – 30 minutes
Eat it – 5 minutes
Check Facebook – 1 minute
Check Twitter – 8 hours
Grandma said she thinks her new neighbors have got the gay.
DND allows you to play out even the most impossible fantasies, such as:
-Speaking multiple languages
-Traveling with friends
-Being Charismatic
-Waking up Early
-Having money
I admire the audacity of beavers, they just move to a new area and say “screw the neighbors, imma put a lake here”
I bet at least ONE of Leonardo DiCaprio’s friends has called him Leotard. Probably Mark Wahlberg…
My mom used a fire extinguisher on a portobello she was broiling for a sandwich that got too close to the flame. Took it out of the oven, but an hour later forgot about the fire, made the sandwich, ate it, panicked + called. The guy was laughing so hard he couldn’t answer her. 😂
What do hostages eat? #ThingsYouDontAskAlexa
What’s the most ridiculous demand a customer has made of you? I’ll go first: when I was working retail, a woman once demanded I pick her up from her Botox appointment with my car & bring her to the mall to shop
me: Did you brush your teeth?
9: Yes
me *hands him a glass of orange juice*
9: Do I have to?
me: Yep. Told you not to touch my Cheetos
I just closed a browser tab by accident and yelled noooooo as one of my free articles for the month disappeared into the abyss forever.
inside you there are two rabbits. now there are 3. 4… 5! Oh dear God..
Why enunciation matters:
9yo: so this guy came to school and pulled a python out of his boxers
Me: WHAT THE HELL?!???
9yo: …BOXES!
A Hallmark movie where the heroine is such a Karen that she ruins Christmas, the adorable son of the widower tells her to go back to her law firm in the city, and ends with the whole town chasing her with pitchforks.
At least the first 6 months of January is almost over.
Genie: you still have 2 wishes left. you sure you don’t want to use them?
Me: [eating cheesecake] nope I’m good
Genie: alright then [disappears]
Me: [finishes cheesecake] oh no
WIFE: Use the newspaper to get that bee down
ME: Ok *grabs newspaper and reads the news out loud*
BEE *depressed* holy shit
I was doing a bench press and a spider dropped on my face.
Not dropping the weights is now my greatest accomplishment in life.
Mailboxes were invented so you know how far away you can be in a robe before you look like a mental patient.
“Boint, B-U-R-N-T, boint.” – mafia spelling bee.
*Goes to the gym. Takes a selfie in front of the weights. Leaves.
Who called it beef chow mein and not moodles?
*holds flashlight up to face*
When I was a kid we only had one uncoated pain reliever that started dissolving the second it hit your tongue.
*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*