Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Hello, my name is Vikki and I’m an alcoholic.
Operator: Ma’am, this is AAA.
Me: I know. I’m an alcoholic and now my car is in a ditch.

Landlordle – where the goal is to get your plumbing fixed, but you only get six chances to summon a super.

P L E E Z

T O D A Y

N E E D U

S U I N G ✅

Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.

getting sucked inside the jumanji game for 30 years is starting to sound pretty good at this point

I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up when it’s ready.

me: wow, first you drew me a bath, now breakfast?

wife: you deserve this

me: and the toaster is steady on the edge of the tub like that?

wife: we’ll find out

People who peel the entire banana before eating it are the same ones who take off all their clothes to go to the bathroom.

I deal with my problems in the order they were received.

Right now they’re all on hold listening to crappy music.

me as a child: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets

me as an adult: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets

me on my death bed: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets

Costume idea:

Dress up like milkshake, wait in the yard.

If I’ve ever had a crush on you, it means I’ve daydreamed about our first fight, our wedding, named our future dog, and retained a divorce lawyer.

Instead of asking my kid if she’s brushed her hair, I ask if she’s cured cancer. I figure if I’m gonna be disappointed by the answer it might as well be about something really big

84% of Canadians think the preparations for the American blizzard are “cute”

I tried flirting with my hairdresser today.

I said, “Do you comb hair often?”

I love how you changed “Conclusions” to “Learnings” in my PowerPoint. Any other made-up words I should add?

*Discussing the school nativity play*

Me: Who’s Mary?

7: She’s Jesus’s mum.

Me: Yes, who’s playing her.

7: Dunno.

Me: Who’s Joseph?

7: He’s Mary’s husband.

Me:

There are approximately zero ways to chase paper in the wind without looking like the village idiot

Hi, I’m Suki. And I just turned the volume down because it was getting too cold in my car.

Just told my husband we needed to end this year with a bang and now I’m regretting my choice of words.

Someone should open a bar called “The Gym”, so when I tell people where I’m going, it won’t be a lie.

Nothing makes me worry more than the kids saying “Don’t worry, we cleaned it up”

I like to compliment strangers on their T-shirt just to make them look down to see which one they’re wearing.

You’re pretty cocky for someone with such a small…

….vocabulary.

changed clouds to coulds and now the sky is full of possibilities

me: I lost the boy
wife: where?
me: at the burrito stand
wife: how?
me: I turned around for a second
wife: yes?!
me: and then for a third

Yep, it’s true👇🏼😂😂😂

Facebook should figure out a way to make baby pictures into a renewable source of energy because then we would never have to worry again

*pandemic ends*
Mother Nature: HOW ARE THEY STILL ALIVE??!!!

People are so nosy. “What’s your name” “who is your primary care physician” “do you have health insurance” mind your beezwax

So rude of Ashton Kutcher to file divorce papers right before Demi Moore’s 150th birthday.