You dance so good girl. Hell yes. That looks great. You are a flower swaying with the wind. Do the running man.
-Alcohol
You Might Also Like
My ex can’t take his new girlfriend to basketball games because she gets pissed when the whole stadium makes fun of her by yelling REBOUND!
*recovering from a broken ankle*
My dogs: Let us protect you by making sure we are under every. single. step.
Doctor: I got your test results back from the lab and I have some bad news
Me: oh no
Doctor: by the time I got them back he had chewed them up pretty bad
LOVED ONES: When I die, I want you to throw a sad party where you all look at my dead body
US, FOR SOME REASON: Ok that’s no problem
The dentist asked me what music I wanted to listen to during my root canal so I said “More Than A Filling.”
Protip: Never take a screenshot with the camera sound on in the restroom at work. You will get strange looks as you exit the stall…
The tampon aisle is a terrible place to pick up chicks.
Officer pulled me over & asked if I knew what the speed limit was, like I’m getting paid to tell him his job.
I saw a fat kid sitting on a seesaw all by himself. I stopped and waited for another kid to fall from the sky. I left disappointed.
Sometimes I get bored and tell people I’ve never had pizza before.
When I am calculating any risk, I think to myself: is this first cat life behavior? Or ninth cat life behavior?
What do we want?
ROCK HARD ABS!
When do we want them?
THE DAY AFTER THE HOLIDAYS ARE OVER!
No officer,YOU`RE going the wrong way.
Is Craigslist still around, or did everyone over there get murdered?
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
Ken is short for chicken
HER: why do you hate every single Hugh Grant movie?
ME: i love love actually actually
“No! YOU’RE plastered!!!”
-me, drunk, walking into a wall
Did a little math tonight. Need to do 3,527 hours of cardio to get down to my ideal weight by summer, and not consume any calories.
Waiter, Waiter, I don’t eat meat, fish, eggs, gluten or dairy. What do you recommend?
A taxi.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
I wish they’d stop turning movies into musicals and make them ice shows instead.
I’d pay good money to see “The Godfather on Ice.”
“stop making a mountain out of a molehill” I don’t even know what that means Bethany maybe see a dermatologist
I had my ring finger removed just to be safe.
[office]
Me: Happy Black Friday!
Latisha: …
Me: I made a cake!
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: It’s chocolate.
Having grown up Catholic, anytime someone says “May The Force be with you” I always want to respond “And also with you”
*pulls away from kissing*
batman, is this why I’m your sidekick?
Good morning, especially if they tried to make go to rehab and you said no, no, no.
[First date]
Her: i’m a criminal lawyer, what do you do?
Me: really, well it just so happens that I… (trying to impress her) …am a criminal
My neighbors with the fireworks would apparently like to wish everyone a happy July 7th.
There’s a girl that I hate in my office that’s white but looks like ‘Precious’. I’ve been calling her “Pressure” & blaming my farts on her.