You dance so good girl. Hell yes. That looks great. You are a flower swaying with the wind. Do the running man.
-Alcohol
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Math homework? If this is my son’s backpack, that means my parachute must be —
I’ll take an ice cream sandwich please. You know what? I’m trying to be healthy, can you change that to an ice cream salad instead? Thanks
[Concert]
Singer: ARE YOU ALL ENJOYING IT?!!Everyone: YEAAAHHHHH!!!!
Me: ᶦᵗ’ˢ ᵛᵉʳʸ ˡᵒᵘᵈ
Coworker – Have you ever gotten Covid?
Me – Does my gut look like I’ve ever lost the sense of taste or smell?
Sleep is the body’s best safety mechanism. It keeps you from screwing things up for 8 hours.
Friend: Let’s go to the game next week
Me: Let me check my calendar
Also me: (yelling into the next room) Honey!
People always ask Jesus to take the wheel but there were no cars back then so how good a driver can he really be
Me: Nice flowers. Co-worker: They’re from my boyfriend. Now I’m going to spend all weekend w/my legs in the air. Me: Don’t you have a vase?
[Attractive stylist washing out my hair after cutting it]
Stylist: How’s the water temperature?
[Water so hot it’s scalding my scalp]
Me: It’s fine
Remember: It’s not stalking if you don’t see me.
No one claims to like clowns, and yet there are clowns. What an evolutionary adaptive species they must be, clowns.
Kids only want one thing and it’s to play with whatever their sibling is playing with
“Size DOES matter”, I whisper to my double stuffed Oreos.
Now that I’m in my mid-forties I think I’ll take up parkour.
My support group can outdrink your support group.
Well well well if it isn’t the guy whose lawn I woke up on
If you ask me where your glasses are, and they’re on your head, I will help you look for them forever.
a lot of the people who told me i’d never be able to use 6 slabs of acme fish as a blanket are reaaaaal quiet these days…..
Not today, Satan.
Wait, what kind of cookies are those?
Apparently this was on a digital highway sign in Tennessee yesterday 😎
“UGH. You know how fast the grass grows in the Spring,” she mowned.
Marie Kondo Vs. Hoarders
“Do these 370 cats bring you joy?”
“Yes. Get out!”
Every day I go to work and draw a little tick on everyone who didn’t say goodbye to me the day before.
A few strategically placed “and shit’s” can really spice up your online dating profile (ie: “I’m attentive and shit…passionate and shit.”)
When the chicken shop gives you chicken instead of change?
I guess it’s legal tender.
I have the ambition and optimism of Wile E Coyote and also the success of Wile E Coyote.
YOU CAN’T BE BOTH A NAZI AND A PROUD AMERICAN.
WE LITERALLY HAD A WAR ABOUT THIS.
THE WHOLE WORLD WAS INVOLVED.
🎵 You make me feel like I’ve been locked out of heaven 🎵
Jesus: “We talked about this, Lucifer.”
“Surprise!” they yelled as he came in.
He screamed.
“Happy birthday!” they said.
“Do I know you?”
“No. We’re just excellent surprisers.”
Thank God you’ve updated your status to “Finished lunch” after you first posted “Going to lunch” I really couldn’t tolerate more suspense.