Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It finally happened.

After living here 11 years, my neighbors finally caught me outside and introduced themselves.

I loved Saint Patrick’s day in Boston it was like if everyone got a concussion during the purge. One year I lost my keys in a pub and a guy gave me one of his keys to make me feel better

*being dragged from the car wash*
But I only shaved one leg!

If you’re worried about the birth rate then venmo me $400,000 and I will have a child

I asked my husband what he wanted for Father’s Day & he said silence & then we all laughed & laughed & the kids went back to breaking the sound barrier.

[Contract Law]

BOSS: for example when you go into a store and buy a banjo for $200 you’re entering into a contract

ME: so there’s strings attached?

When I awoke from the car accident in a full bodycast, my wife was right at my bedside to let me know that childbirth is still more painful.

“OK…that Trust Exercise didn’t go exactly according to plan. Once we dispose of the bodies let’s keep quiet about this…AS A TEAM!”

You know you’re old when you start telling people how much cheaper things used to be.

Get a ring camera so you can yell at your kids when they’re out front and freak them out.

Once a marine, always a marine. Even if you’re now working at Subway. You’re a submarine.

A frisbee hit me lightly on the shin and I’m at the age where this might be a lifelong injury.

Who wants an omelet?

(3 minutes later)

Who wants scrambled?

You give me that many goddamn birds for one f****** holiday and I’m grilling the shit out of them. Lemon pepper turtle doves, anyone?

I was the president of the fencing club in high school. We only met once, and then the cops found all the stolen property.

[office]

JERRY: Close the door! Were you born in a barn? Haha

{later}

HR: We recieved a complaint from Bessie

JERRY: Bessie?

HR: In accounting

JERRY: Uh…

HR: The dairy cow

JERRY: Oh right, Bessie

HR: Turns out she was born in a ba-

JERRY: Yes, I see where this is going

Watching a documentary on a murder in a small town and there was probably a total of 7 teeth among all the people that were interviewed.

Me: I say it will be $750

Hubs: I say $630

Costco cashier: That’ll be $750.29

Me: Oh ya! I am a Costco genius! Woop woop!

Hubs: Yes, let’s celebrate paying the HIGHER amount

Sent my husband to work with leftovers from dinner last night. His co-workers are going to be so jealous of his bowl of cereal.

i don’t get to travel very often but every time i do i really get to thinking: did anthony bourdain just have diarrhea for like 9 months of the year

Can’t believe I went on a date with someone who did a background check on me and casually spent the rest of the night reciting facts about me to me, and then proceeded to continue going out with him.

going around my neighborhood with my Easter basket to collect eggs but most people have been downright rude about it and what eggs they do give me aren’t even dyed

culinary school students be like “bruh i got spaghetti due at midnight 😰”

Calling bullshit on news that the Amazon is burning. I just got a package delivered from them today

“Are you ok?” No my cheese drawer is empty

The police never think its as funny as you do.

Yoda: Donuts you must fetch from the shop
Me: Ok I’ll try
Yoda: There is no try – either do or donut

My cousin Tay Tay vaped once at a party and she went on to steal hundreds of dollars in clothing from various stores we don’t know if it’s related but you can never be too careful

Cult pretty laid back about my leaving.

Friend: What was the hardest part of learning to pay the kazoo?

Me *thinking about it* probably when Amy left