you dare??? even think??? of taking Jigglypuff’s Stick??
You Might Also Like
HER: I love Game Of Thrones
ME(trying to impress her): I slept with my sister
So proud of my ancestors for crawling out of the sea and evolving lungs.
Pretty dissapointed in them ever since though.
Step 1: achieve tumescence.
Step 2: figure out what tumescence is.
There is no cool way to zip up your pants during a meeting.
Oh I have Christmas spirit. The question is do I mix it with coke or do I drink it neat
Don’t believe what others say about you, they know nothing. For example, in 4th grade my teacher said I was going to grow up and be successful and she was wrong on both accounts
I made a ton of jokes about swine flu, but then I got swine flu. And as they rushed me to the hospital, I honestly thought I was going to die. So I used what little energy I had left to send this final text to a friend: “Make sure they serve pork at my funeral.”
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
~ The Okra Show
When your friend wants to do a drive by but none of us can see that good at night anymore.
If something isn’t fair and square it‘s wrong and oblong
do you ever think about how since Doordash started, some amount of cars in a traffic jam are just someone’s sandwich. a whole spot on the road just occupied by a guys lunch
I hate when someone sneaks up in front of you when you’re scrolling on your phone
Our dog knows way too many phrases now, so my husband and I have resorted to talking like Victorian nobility to get anything by him. “Have you taken the dog on a brisk adventure recently? Would you escort the canine to the backyard, forthwith? Has he supped yet?”
i got sudden, inexplicable ear pain. my friend woke up with sudden, inexplicable eye pain. if any of you start having sudden, inexplicable mouth pain, lmk. i think we are supposed to be sold as a box set.
🙉🙈🙊
“I said, ‘No’”
– me, about to give my dog my sandwich
I wasn’t always a Reply Guy. I used to talk to the TV.
can u believe that 6 months ago we just let random people breathe on us
Me: Did you look in your purse?
Her: OF COURSE I LOOKED IN MY PURSE, I’M NOT AN IDIOT!
Me:
Her: [looking in purse] You’re not going to believe this…
How many syllables does the word “Gloria” have?
CATHOLICS: 18
The gym is like church to some people. No matter what they do all week, they think they can erase it with one visit.
A passenger is at the airport at 6AM in a pressed suit and said “good morning!”
Excuse me, sir, that is not the vibe here. The rest of us have agreed to be sullen and wear the closest thing to pajamas you can legally leave the house in.
Go back and try again.
When my toddlers ask where mommy is, I explain that she’s gone to heaven. That way they’re super-excited when she gets back from the gym.
Hey, people “liking” Walmart on Facebook – you OK?
(Ok don’t let her know ur Jesus)
Girl: Meet my dad
*they shake hands*
*Dad stands up from wheelchair*
Dad: It’s a miracle!
Jesus: *facepalm*
I can’t remember the ending of one single movie I’ve seen since they started selling booze in theaters.
Me: I made the best decision at that time with the information available
Narrator: he plugged his ears and said “la la la la” at the time
Tonight’s Golden Globes taught us that, no matter how much you spend on surgery, nobody looks good while sweaty.
its that time of the year again, don’t forget to hang your missile toads
My daughter is playing “Away in a Manger” on the recorder if anyone wanna come over.
KIDNAPPER: get in the trunk
ME: but this tree is so tiny