you dare??? even think??? of taking Jigglypuff’s Stick??
You Might Also Like
The moment my kids get over the shock of my wife and me being the tooth fairy, I’m going to reveal that we’re also the dishwasher fairy, the laundry fairy, the playdate fairy, the school project fairy, the…
Can’t. Being lazy.
My 6yo sprayed me with the bathroom air freshener, so now I smell like eau de toilette.
I will probably never be the tallest person in the room, but I will certainly be the highest
Desperate is following a fake Charlize Theron account with one follower that’s a bot.
We’re all born naked and the rest is crab. #DragRace
My childless friend told me how easy parenting is so I went over at 0500 with fingerpaints and my toddler. We’ve been listening to Baby Bum nonstop, there’s food on the walls and every time she goes to the bathroom, we bust in to tell her all the words that rhyme with “poop”
humans can accomplish so much, unless it’s parking at a shopping center during the holidays
me: I’ve finally reached the tipping point
waitress: oh thank god!
Interviewer:
“This is a very impressive résumé.”Me:
“This is a creative writing job I’m applying for, no?”
I can hear fireworks so I have to go leave a nose print on every window of my house to try to find them
Being stuck at home for the last 3 months and waiting for FedEx today makes me understand why dogs go nuts when the mailman shows up.
Police officer: Ma’am do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I’m just as confused as you are.
Interviewer: Why do you want this job?
Me: I’ve always been passionate about being able to afford food
[at grocery store]
me: no.
God: no.
brain: eat a coffee bean.
I’m not saying the character Merida was modeled after me,
but I too would rather win an archery contest than be married.
If you think it hurts to lose a boyfriend/girlfriend, you’ve clearly never lost close to 500 GB’s worth of data on your hard drive.
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u r not responding
I envy those who look beautiful with a messy bun and not me who looks like I either just climbed out of a ditch or played with an outlet with a fork.
As of last night my mom has more Aerosmith tattoos than my sister again. For now anyway.
I got IDd last night, but as I was rummaging around in my purse for my ID, the dude saw my checkbook and said “nevermind” 😭😒🤣 FIRST OF ALL
I’m just one bad financial decision away from a flip phone.
[Hardware store]
ME: *holding toilet plunger to my ear, as if listening*
WIFE: Ugh, can you please hurry up
ME: THE WAND CHOOSES THE WIZARD, JANET
[bill gates house]
Bill: What’s on at the cinema?
Wife: Let me google it and-
*terrified look at bill*
Wife: Let me bing it and see.
Sometimes your ankle takes a vacation while you’re walking.
Saw a long chin hair and tried to pluck it with my nails but instead, curled it like a ribbon
My buddy wants to join Twitter because he’s tired of all the people fighting on Facebook, should I tell him.
He sampled.
He loved.
I bought.
He hates.— an epic tale of love and hate featuring the Costco snacks I’ll now be eating for the next 45 days
[confessional]
me: father, gooey naan.
father: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much. what’s goin’ on with you?