You definitely shouldn’t go to Costco and buy the giant box of frozen mozzarella sticks so you and your family can eat them whenever you want. We are not ready for that as a species.
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Where do storm troopers sit when they go to church?
In a pewpewpew
I can’t wait for tomorrow when all of the April Fools’ Day chocolate is on sale.
Me:*screaming in horror in the bathroom*
Him:*banging on door* Are you ok? WTF is going on?
M:I found a gray hair!
H:So?
M:IN MY EYEBROW!!
Person: Breakfast is the most important meal of the day.
Lunch and dinner: We’re standing right here!
Daughter: You’re invading my personal space
Mom: You came out of my personal space
if she’s your girlfriend why does the mere sight of me make her scream “wow” louder than you ever could
Cashiers are always checking me out
E. Coli and the dysenteries is a great name for a band
I don’t hate people for their skin, creeds or heritage. I hate them based on how fond they are of Minions.
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
If you liked it then you should have put a rig on it
You can have a terrier or you can have a Roomba, but you cannot have both.
And it’s a gold to my husband for the best dad explanation of Fencing to our 10yr old.
“Fencing is where you have to go and put up a fence, with wood usually..”
“Has science finally gone too far,” I ask my hybrid pig falcon as we stare in disbelief at the latest Prius.
BILLY CORGAN: the world is a vampire
ME: wouldn’t it explode into flames as soon as the sun hit it then?
BILLY: shut up *runs off crying*
Told the assistant at the eye doctor’s I thought my eyes got worse, but they haven’t. My glasses were dirty.
[quickly jumps into the back of a cab]
ME: How far will this get me? *i hand the driver 14 peanut m&ms with the chocolate sucked off*
i wanna smoke whatever the people who got hype about seeing a bird and a plane before they realized it was superman were smoking
MY DAD: Foreigners in this country need to learn English.
ALSO MY DAD: I heard you got a new hi-bird car.
[WOLF CUB] Dad, why do we howl at the moon?
[WOLF DAD] Well son, the moon is made of cheese and that’s rad as hell
I just did a google search for “Gender reveal gone wrong” and great googly moogly.
More than one family in Florida has incorporated alligators into their gender reveal nonsense. MORE THAN ONE.
And a car in Australia exploded over the summer.
So cis people are super normal
[At historic site]
Guide: Questions?
Me: What’s the wifi password?
G: I meant about 19th century life.
M: Oh….Dost thou have thy password?
wife: as immature as you are, you do do a lot for this family, so thank you
me: *giggles*
wife:
me:
wife: …go ahead
me: “do do”
I always roll out of bed. Not even morning can trick me into doing a sit-up
accidentally emailed my kid’s kindergarten enrollment form to UC Berkeley admissions instead of Berkeley Unified School District. we’ll see what happens. maybe he’ll get in
A Tinder type app, but it matches you with sandwiches.
me: my back hurts
doctor: have you tried voting
The police have asked me to stop sending them cryptic taunting messages until I’ve actually committed a crime
Me: Leaving early. Taking my kid to an appointment
Boss: No, you’ve played your last kid card
Me: *slides kid card out from sleeve and slams it down on desk*
Boss: Sonofa
Hey doofus, the fashion police called.
Your father died last night on duty.
He wanted you to have this.
“Slim fitting houndstooth peacoat*
My favorite type of men is ramen.