You definitely shouldn’t go to Costco and buy the giant box of frozen mozzarella sticks so you and your family can eat them whenever you want. We are not ready for that as a species.
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*sinks into depression*
Depression: “Wrong hole.”
My son just chose his university, which means for the next five years I’ll have two kids attending college.
Naturally, this morning I did some financial planning…marking the convenience stores I plan to rob.
Don’t drink water and stay hydrated it’s a hoax
new year update: losing everything but weight
My kid is playing doctor and so far he’s thrown a stuffed animal at my knee, poked my arm with a stick, and asked if I like to climb trees. But I get to lie down, so best game ever
Dad: I took the tooth and put the money under his pillow
Mom: Do you think he’s getting too old for this?
Dad *getting in car* it is harder since he moved out
I love my wife dearly, but she just used the word “whatevs” for the first time, so 17 years. It’s been a good run.
Terrifying if literal: Liquid Plumber
Am not being sponsored to say this but if anyone is looking for a way to make swallowing food easier, try using “Teeth”. I recently began using teeth while eating and it’s reduced the number of Heimlich manoeuvres I receive per month by over 94% 👍
” National No Bra Day”?
I say pics or it didn’t happen day.
“Its swimsuit season” I whisper, eating another swimsuit
*gazing at the ocean*
God: I told you NOT to leave the water on while we were on vacation.
Angel: I’m sorr-
God: SORRY DOESN’T FIX THIS MESS
“Ice, Ice, Baby, Vanilla, Ice, Ice, Baby.” – Worst cocktail recipe ever
My mom told me I couldn’t swim until 30 minutes after I last ate so that’s why I haven’t swam since I was 14 years old.
I’m wearing the tie I got married in more than 20 years ago and I don’t want to brag but… it still fits.
[praying mantis first date]
Female: You seem to have a good head on your shoulders.
Male: Yeah well, you know, saving it for marriage.
*uses Mr. Clean magic eraser to wipe off your drawn on eyebrows*
Ladies, if you’re looking for romance, now is the time of year to move to a small town in order to save your grandfather’s business from the guy who also happens to secretly be the love of your life
Every Independence Day I get a little bit disappointed when aliens don’t try to take over the world.
My kid: look mumma this coin is really really old!
Also my kid: still younger than you though…
Hesitated so much at the rap battle, the DJ called me Erminem.
Amazon review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
Me: bedtime!
Brain: you’re hungry
M: no I’m not
B: thirsty then
M: nope
B: uhh sad?
M: doing ok
B: you forgot to do that thing
M: nice try
The secret to sustaining a happy marriage is to keep the mystery alive. So tonight I decided to clean something unexpectedly.
Cake is better than sex because cavities are better than babies
*doordash driver delivers four happy meals with chocolate milk and Disney princess toys*
“Looks like a fun night. How many kids do you have?”
Me: How many what now?
when someone compliments me
When people ask me for something at work I say, “Sure! Let me see here..” and rummage around in my desk drawer until they leave
[halloween]
ME: nice costume. casanova?
HIM: guy fawkes
ME: {high-fiving} hell yeah he does