You definitely shouldn’t go to Costco and buy the giant box of frozen mozzarella sticks so you and your family can eat them whenever you want. We are not ready for that as a species.
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Trying to use the phone’s flashlight to look inside its own charging port.
2 kids walk into a forest and try to eat an old woman’s home and she’s the villain? I’m not buying it Brothers Grimm.
Before the invention of the automobile, you had to put roller skates on your horse
*puts up baby gates all around the outside of my house*
There. That should keep ’em out.
I wear a 3-piece suit to bed in case someone breaks in & we have nothing to talk about. “Did you notice I’m wearing a suit?” “Yes”
Just learnt how a cat yowls on heat. So glad we as humans don’t do it the same way
People are like snowflakes. Individually small and ineffective, but if we work together we can make my step dad crash his car into a tree.
Don’t tell me about Stockholm Syndrome, I woke up at 6 AM on my first day of vacation wondering how things were going at work.
INTERVIEWER: under Strengths you’ve written ‘dishonesty’…?
ME: No I haven’t
Ghosting someone sounds like a euphemism for murder.
Any restaurant is a Drive-Thru if your brakes fail.
My cat’s birthday is tomorrow and my mean boss said I still have to come to work this week.
I like to do laundry in stages. For example, right now I’m in denial that I should be doing laundry.
I carry dental floss with me at all times because you never know when you’re going to need to garrotte a co-worker.
My wife left me by doing the “stairs behind the sofa” thing and never came back
I used to get bullied online.
Until one day I walked up to the biggest computer in Best Buy and beat the shit out of it.
Me: Of course I’m an adult, I pay bills
Also me: NO, YOU MAY NOT BORROW MY DARTH VADER SIPPY CUP.
HOW MANY ANTS HAVE YOU HAD TONIGHT, SIR?
Luckily my rib cage protects my heart better than my head does.
“I don’t have that many gray hairs. I’ll just pluck them out.”
aaaaand….now I’m bald.
New cyclist: I have a new $3k bike, what else do I need
Bike shop: [pulling out the stupidest looking outfit they can find] this
SPOILER ALERT: the girl the singer of The Piña Colada Song meets turns out to be “his own lovely lady!”
Bond sequel idea: His license to kill is downgraded to a license to hit people with his car but not so badly that they die
Wealthy person whose material needs are met without question who also meditates sometimes: Meditation is my secret weapon.
Deciding to work in HR is like choosing to be the dorm RA for the rest of your life
I went to high school with these people on Facebook, so I’m confused on how they didn’t learn HOW TO SPELL.
Yes I am 45, male and love cats. Recently I posted a selfie. It could be worse though, right? Hello?
I just lost all my tabs. Only now do I understand the tragedy that was the burning of the Library of Alexandria.