You deplete me
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Guys with balls hangin from ur truck. that would mean ur truck is a man,yes? Which means you like to be inside a dude all day. Lol homo. : p
discovering that i’ve become kind of a savant for determining if checked baggage is under the weight limit because 23kg is just a bit under the weight of a full 20L keg. just one of the many positive things beer has given me
I sign all my coworker’s birthday cards, “Please know, this does not mean we’re friends” just to avoid any future awkwardness.
Growing up was a huge mistake
[itsy bitsy spider diary]
Day 47 of my attempt to climb water spout. Weather looks good. Hopeful.
When I die I want to come back as a ghost to haunt my adult children’s houses, just passive-aggressively turning off lights they’ve left on and pointedly moving their shoes to the shoe cabinet, just heavily sighing the whole time
Finally shaved my armpits and found the factory reset button
As my friend Joe’s last wish I had him cremated and sprinkled his ashes into the coffee pots at work..all morning everyone had a cup of Joe
I saw a woman I work with in line at the pharmacy and instinctively said “hey what are you here for?” She blushed and didn’t respond in case you’re wondering about my ability to create awkward situations
*at funeral*
ME: I know how you feel
FRIEND: Dont bring up the time you only got yel–
ME: One time I only got yellows in my Starburst pack
Told my husband I was packed and ready to go even though my flight doesn’t leave for 12 hours, and he offered to take my suitcases to the car as if I really am packed and ready to go 12 hours early.
Me, whispering to myself: When it’s time to party, we will always party hard.
me (watching Predator when the Predator comes on screen): he’s not allowed near schools
If you see a hot girl walking you should honk your horn to let her know you’re intrested and afraid to talk to girls.
‘Pampers’ is a good product name because it implies being able to poop in your disposable underwear is a great luxury
Can’t figure out why my allergies are so bad. I changed my med regimen, listened to my doctor’s advice, took my extra meds, bathed, rubbed my face on each of my four cats…
The world would be a better place if we all got along like the “Price Is Right” audience.
“I love you and I will always keep you safe.”
DAUGHTER: What about bees?
“I love you and I will sometimes keep you safe.”
a group of ocelots is called an awfelot
If an assassin ever wanted to kill me but make it look like an accident they could just wait until I was walking down the stairs with a plateful of nachos and throw me a pizza
me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: oh wow that was really fast
how i like to believe my wife sees me when i get a jar open or kill a spider
I accidentally replied “worries” instead of no worries and it was the first honest email I’ve ever sent.
Dear Couples Who Fight In Public, stop trying to whisper and would it kill you to include some backstory.
Do you think you’d make a good sniper?
[ ] Yes •
[ ] No •
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•
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(flirting) sooo how do you feel about girls who are brooding, intense, and inherently off-putting in all social situations
Dog The Bounty Hunter’s greatest weakness is getting distracted when the fugitive throws a tennis ball.
What pharmaceutical advertisements love most:
Slow motion
Flowery meadows
Horrifying side effects
Old people sex
White people making dinner
