You deserve someone who’ll chase you with a chainsaw.
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You can’t get a good night’s sleep anymore because of woke
I refuse to have sex with a condom. Last time I had sex with a condom, the condom never called me again.
Attractive women post selfies and refer to themselves as ugly. As a group, if we begin agreeing with them we could stop that shit quick.
for $5 i will write “yikes” under one of your ex’s selfies
[guy about to invent monopoly]
*looking at friends* i have too many of these
Laughter is not the best medicine. Please take your medicine.
Always practice yodeling, suddenly, in a packed elevator.
Oh sweet embrace of morning, envelope me in your welcoming arms & brightly shine on this glorious GODDAMMIT! WHO DIDN’T FLUSH THE TOILET?!
My secret to making condoms more comfortable is telling men how badly I want a baby
my glass coffin company “remains to be seen” is not doing as well as i thought it would.
Me: This recipe calls for one red onion…
Onion: Seize the means of production!
Me: Close enough
I got tested this morning for Covid-19. Ouch. Those nasal swabs go deep. Jeez, buy a gal dinner first.
If by loaded the dishwasher you mean did I just take eleven shots of tequila, then yes, the dishwasher is loaded
I wonder if the guy who coined the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
My high school girlfriend got “uses her kids as her facebook profile picture” fat.
I’M MAKING A SECOND POT OF COFFEE, IF ANYONE WANTS ME TO PAINT THEIR HOUSE.
dogs can find happiness so easily
If you listen to a Miley Cyrus song backwards you can hear Satan refusing to have sex with her.
“Kill Bill” but it’s me hunting down whoever stole my sandwich from the break room fridge.
I’ve been following this strict diet all week & so far all I’ve lost is my patience
[the middle of showering] I need a break
me: do you want more breakfast
6: no im full i have a small tummy
me: ok that’s fine you can-
6: not like you, have a big tummy, huge, it’s so big, not like my small one yours is so giant-
me: I SAID you can go now thanks
a haunted house called blood bath & beyond
Autocorrect changed no worries to no weiners and that’s my new tagline.
My husband & I have a secret signal we use when it’s time to leave a party. I pull an air horn out of my purse and blast it.
Why do cannibals never eat rich kids?
Because they’re spoiled
If you named your kid Hunter because you like to hunt, then I hate you. Who names a kid after an activity?.
*Storms off w/ his son, Kegger
I’ve folded seven page corners of the book I’m reading. That’s 49 in dog ears.
I have AirPods now, the next step is somehow staying rich and staying humble
My niece is a child psychologist.
For a 12 y/o, her diagnoses are remarkably accurate!