You deserve someone who’ll chase you with a chainsaw.
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[Wendy’s]
Me: *confidently walking up to the counter after they got my order wrong* i’d like to speak to wendy
Two
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Four
Tell the people what she wore…
I’m like the reverse Goldilocks. I’d lay on a bed of nails and be like, “No, no, this is fine.”
at its core, Harry Potter is a beautiful story about the value of having a hot mom
I heard you like bad boys?
*jumps in pool after eating without waiting an hour*
Sup.
All these girls tweeting about going braless & I’m just over here on my back trying not to look like I have 2 bald guys in a headlock.
[Russian class]
Um, why did I fail this test?
Teacher: You just wrote in English and added “ski” to the end of the words…
I knowski.
The first person to realize you can eat bone marrow must have really hated that cow.
33, Male, Jerusalem. You?
[using ouija board]
Why isn’t he responding to us? I’m annoyed
H I A N N O Y E D I M D A D
Hey, girl at the gym that keeps moving to the opposite corner every time I get on the machine next to you, yes, I feel the chemistry too.
MMA – where men fight other men in their underpants.
Ok guys, if anyone asks about what happened to this gallon of ice cream, I was mugged by a family of 8.
Everyone on Instagram has pics of them at places all over the world & I’m like here’s another shot of me from a different angle on my sofa
If I had the power to time travel, I’d use it to go back ten minutes when I screwed up a handshake and accidentally interlocked pinkies
[trying something new]
Me: I might mess this up.
Friend: Believe in yourself.
Me (determined): I WILL mess this up.
Witch 1: *crying* the doctor said I can’t have kids
Witch 2: oh no, why?
Witch 1: I need to watch my cholesterol
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
Sometimes I think my dog wishes he had a middle finger.
HR: I’m afraid that’s not proper corporate dress code.
ME: *taking off wetsuit* casual Friday is bullshit then.
Sex is great but have you ever perfectly clapped the hand clapping part of a song?
If you’re wondering why it seems like there are so many birthdays these past few weeks it’s because we are the result of parents who have sex once a year on Valentines Day
I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship.
Losing My Religion is a sad song about a misplaced pulled-pork sandwich.
HOT LOCAL SINGLES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOUR CREDIT CARD NUMBER.
Having now listened to the entire song, I have to say there’s some obvious internal disagreement as to what the Hokey Pokey is all about
What’s the best way to dispose of a dead body? Was asking for a friend, but he was being a whiny shit about it, so now I’m asking for me.
My kids are gonna give me a god damn heart attack
Don’t feel special. I flirt with old people and family members too.