You deserve someone who’ll chase you with a chainsaw.
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Funny how in old video games you could just eat a whole turkey or a pizza you found on the street and it would make you better but my doctor specifically told me I had to stop doing that so who’s telling the truth
All summer long: Kids are healthy.
5 minutes into the 1st day of school: Everyone has Ebola
“Hello, Yes, This is Otter.”
Man texted: “I want you to be my little angle.”
I answered: “Do you want me to be obtuse, right, or acute?”Two days have passed, no reply.
First grade soccer is actually so exciting, like one player just grabbed a couple of sticks and started rubbing them together at midfield to try and start a fire
[cavemen, having discovered fire, tentatively placing part of an animal carcass above the flames]
[my mother, suddenly appearing out of a time machine] You know you can do that just as easily in the air fryer.
police sketch artist: you sure his ears were this long
me: i thought we were doing a silly one
I won’t be gratified sexually until someone dumps one of those big Gatorade containers on me after.
When my wife says “You know, I’ve been thinking” there’s a 100% chance we’re ending up in a store.
Welcome to your 40s, your gum’s flavor outlasts your chewing stamina now.
If you get robot arms don’t get the cheap ones [starts clapping for no reason]
Remember to practice self-care: Take a walk, meditate, try yoga, paint a picture, murder someone, burn a body, clean a crime scene…
[doctor presses play]
couple: maybe a different donor
Pro Tip: Before you ask your kid’s Principal if he’d like a kiss make sure he can see the chocolate you’re holding in your hand.
*hides recorder in box*
*puts box in safe*
*locks safe*
*digs 50-foot hole*
*throws safe in*
*covers hole*
[5 minutes later]
9yo: *playing recorder*
🤣😂
we need a 3 day weekend:
1 for errands
1 for social activities
1 for staying in bed like we’ve got some Victorian wasting disease
twitter is cool because sometimes your random thoughts resonate with thousands of stupid losers
My first thought when meeting new people is often how tiny they are and how security in this maternity ward sucks.
You should just be thankful for all the things I don’t say.
How much does it cost to keep chickens?
About a buckahhhh week
SCIENTIST: You are my finest creation, and I love you like a son even though you’ve malfunctioned and now only say-
ROBOT: Fight me, dipshit
Kids are away so I’m taking my wife out tonight.
-Like with an assassin or are you doing it yourself?
Um, like…to dinner.
-Cool, cool.
If you ever have 17 hours to kill, ask someone freshly inked what their tattoo means.
My theory is, “things can’t be too bad if I can still laugh about it”
This has led to me making jokes at WILDLY inappropriate times
Many parents are faced with a daunting task during the quarantine: how to ground a child when we’re all grounded.
Pal – “Can you help me put this IKEA desk together?”
Me – “I’ll need a screwdriver.”
Pal – “Sure what type?”
Me – “Greygoose or Kettle One.”
What stage of marriage is it when you’re uncomfortable because they’re being nice to you?
Working on a new catchphrase. I’m workshopping “That really butters my baboon!” and “THAT’ll put a meatloaf in your mailbox!”
They’re testing equally well (nobody likes them)
The mask helps cover up a bad mood, but my middle finger gives me away.