You deserve someone who’ll chase you with a chainsaw.
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I always believed that we all have the habit of licking knifes clean after we are done with them..
My surgeon friends disagreed.
Just found out monkey pox is sexually transmitted .. just another win for me
If you had a terrible childhood, you’ll be super-bummed out by Bank of America’s options for security questions.
Yeah I have only 2 friends but guess what. Quality over quantity. And are my 2 friends good? Absolutely not,
I never let people borrow my shoes, because if they walk a mile in them they’ll know how much I exaggerate my problems.
Listerine, for when you feel like killing all 10,000 taste buds at once.
in the mood to pterodactyl scream at anyone who steps into a 3 foot radius of my body unless they’ve got a bowl of mashed potatoes to offer me
Hey I worked for it too!
This is Manny. Every single time he chews on his ball, it goes flying out of his mouth. And every single time, he is surprised. 13/10
Me: I’m going across the street to get a beer.
Priest: You can’t bring a beer in here. This is a church.
Me: I can if it’s in my stomach.
[sees cute girl jog by]
“Imma run up and ask her out”
[one block later still not caught up]
“Ok, wow, we probably weren’t soul mates anyway”
My phone just told me my network was unstable.
Same, girl. Same.
Who called them potatoes & not the motherchip.
Your third emoji is.. Just kidding. I’m an adult.
TRICERATOPS: I have three horns
QUINCEANERATOPS [proudly]: I’m fifteen
her: my fantasy is eating whipped cream off each other, what’s yours
JRR Tolkien: *big breath in*
“Do not look that up on urban dictionary,” is a nice way of saying “ready the eyeball bleach, because I know you’re gonna.”
Man, people are taking spring cleaning extra seriously this year.
People say you have to study Shakespeare in school, but Shakespeare never studied Shakespeare and look at him. He became Shakespeare.
my kid: cries cause youtube went down and he can’t watch gamer vids
me: chill out omg. The internet isn’t life.
Also me: TWITTER WTF IS THIS RETWEET QUOTE CRAP?!! I CANT LIVE LIKE THIS.
*august*
y’all need jesus
*christmas ads start*
not like that
Me: I had to take your hamster back to the shop
Son: Why
[nervous because I accidentally ran him over with a lawnmower]
Me: He’s a racist
Sure I feel bad for Marty McFly having to take his mum to the dance so his parents meet, but poor John Connor had to send his mate back in time to bang his mum or he wouldn’t have been born
[alphabet committee]
Boss: what are the vowels
Designer: a e i o and u
Boss: sometimes i think we need another one
Designer: why
Boss: ok
TOP PLACES TO DO KARATE IN FRONT OF:
1. Sunset
2. Crashing waves
3. Dad’s grave (as casket is lowered)
4. New stepdad’s face
5. Quiznos
This is not my forté. It’s not even my threeté if I’m being honest.
Dinosaurs never could’ve survived til the present day. Could you imagine a stegosaurus in a Honda Civic? It’d be totally ridiculous in 2017.
great news: all my boxes arrived
terrible news: all my boxes arrived
When I said you had a “serial killer face” I had meant it as a compliment, Like, you look like you are very ambitious is what I meant.
Hey, remember me from last night? You gave me the wrong number but I found you on Facebook. I’m on your porch. Can I come in?