You deserve someone who’ll chase you with a chainsaw.
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God: you’re my son
Jesus: do I have super powers 😀
God: you can turn water to wine, walk on water, uh bread
Jesus: :/
God: …fish
Jesus: so who’s my enemy
God: Satan. he has shapeshifting, fire, rock n roll, charm
Jesus: wow that’s cool 🙁
God: oh he’s super duper cool
. No Shoes
No Shirt
No Problem
Welcome To Walmart.
Every now and then something happens on TikTok that transcends social media and becomes a *work of art*
I’m going on a shiny hair journey. It doesn’t seem as if my hair is going with me, but I’m going.
If I was a witch, I’d curse you to have neighbors who hand out vegetables for Halloween.
I heard somebody refer to “The Shape of Water” as “Grinding Nemo” and I’m never going to get over it.
That f**k*d up moment when you think there’s one more step to walk down and you trip over the unexpected flat ground.
Zombie: Ugh. Brains again?
Zombie wife: Well it’s not like you’ll eat anything else, Greg!
I was never a photogenic person, because when everyone said cheese I said “WHERE ?”
This all started with Meghan’s friend setting her up on a blind date with Prince Harry. My friends are actually useless.
Her: Mommy, why does this peanut butter jar say “contains peanuts?”
Me: Because idiots, sweetheart.
excuse me, waitress?
“I’m not a waitress”
Oh, what are you then
“Well, I’m a..*turns to other burger king employee* what the hell are we?”
“I’m totally against the selfie-stick but every now and then an exception comes along.”
Credit: AndrewBloch
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid dressed up like a cop is a cop.
Did you know?
Salmon swim upstream through intense water rapids to mate, lay eggs, then die. They leave their young to fend for themselves.
[Looks at my kids fighting over a piece of lint]
I think salmon have the right idea.
What kind of rifle do comedians use?
JK47’s.
Shoot me.
5yo: Mommy, how do you know those things?
Me: Well, I’m smart, kiddo.
5yo: *hesitates* I guess so.
Kim Kardashian turns 40 & gets a hologram dad greeting but all I got when I turned 40 was sciatic pain & my pop saying “that’s your mom’s side of the family”
Am I supposed to present a monologue play while I use this toilet? Wtf is it on a stage for.
When complaining of a stomach ache, you don’t really need to point to it or pat it gently. People pretty much know where the stomach is.
Sure, sex is great, but have you ever shoved a bunch of pots and pans in the cabinet and shut the door real quick for the next person to deal with?
I love babies cause they just cry upon waking up and it’s so honest
The older you get the less people you can actually tolerate.
I can tolerate about 5 people right now, 3 are my children and even that’s iffy
According to most health insurance companies, teeth are luxury bones that I must pay more to continue enjoying
Why is it called “getting your car fixed” and not “autocorrect”
We’ve been so worried about my 95-y-o grandmother at a retirement home in New Orleans and she called today to say they ran out of Tito’s vodka and could we ship her some.
FOOL-PROOF PICKUP LINE:
you’re tall for a woman
[she gets real mad right here]
*place hand on hers*
but the perfect height for an angel
What I lack in drive, I more than make up for in drive-thru.