Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

idk if im pregnant or what but i been craving 3 million dollars so bad

Fed the cat dog food and suddenly she’s barking at the mail man.

Password security questions be like: What’s your middle name? Why are you single? What’s wrong with your big toe?

Welcoming 2023 with the same energy.

my perfume shop will have selections like eau de fresh bread, eau de sizzling bacon or eau de piping hot coffee

Do I still have feelings for my ex husband?

Yes.

I think “stabby” is a feeling, right?

glitter can neither be created nor destroyed, only transferred from one location to another

Hamburger Helper only works if the hamburger is ready to accept that it needs help.

getting a rib removed so i can suck my own rib

me: why aren’t you eating your breakfast?

3: it smells hot

There’s a bald spot in my yard so I’m gonna let the grass around it grow really long and then do a comb-over.

ME: *reads mac & cheese box* Stir cheese sauce every 5m to keep creamy

[4yrs later]

ME: *still stirring every 5m* Please.. I have a family

Everyone in the gym on January 1st

Don’t hate me cause I’m beautiful, hate me cause I stole your lunch out of the office fridge

[first karate lesson]

Me: *entering dojo* BONSAI!!!

Sensei: Do you mean ‘Banzai’?

Me: *just starts chucking little trees at Sensei*

Its probably time to clean the microwave when you heat coffee and it comes out smelling like a burrito.

I’m literally crying

If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.

Do zombies go to heaven when they die?

I hope so.

There’s lots of nice people up there to eat.

BREAKING: Hillary Clinton concedes election to Donald Trump, saying “I just can’t see how I can win after Scott Baio endorsed Trump.”

ME: *reads war and peace*

SCHRÖDINGER: *nods approvingly*

(grounding my kid) go outside.

interviewer: so mr long legs what are your qualifications for the position of web designer

spider: haha, mr long legs was my father, you can call me daddy

WIFE: Ok *deep sigh* why are you in the bathtub w/ a horse?
ME: [soaping behind Mr Butters’ ears] It’s called a stable relationship, Thelma

interviewer: the job starts at 30k but in a year you’ll be making $40k

me: *gets up* ok see you then

must be a load-bearing face plate. don’t want it coming loose.

A lot of people get scared when they watch movies. Not me. I know the lion at the start is just a logo.

guard your heart, cater to no man’s ego, honor your own time and your energy, don’t use uber. happy 2015.

I stepped on a plate of wet cat food this morning so no I don’t care about taking off my shoes at the airport

In Good Will Hunting, Ben Affleck goes to Matt Damon’s house every day but secretly hopes he isn’t there. I have a similar thing with one of my friends. Whenever I go to his house, I secretly hope Matt Damon isn’t there.