You did. You thought of vanilla with meat, you absurd rutabaga. Go put yourself in the corner and think about what you’ve done, while blaming the recipe author for your own stupidity.
(Recipe was for Hamburger Steak with Onions and Gravy)
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Annual shout out to my mom, who said she wanted a small filing cabinet for mother’s day when working on her dissertation. My dad got her a microwave. For two weeks she left several manila folders in it and wouldn’t let anyone use it — until my dad procured a filing cabinet.
I leave my vacuum in the middle of the floor at all times so when I have unexpected company I can say I was just about to clean my house.
me: “no ill just have it here thanks”
bartender: [looks at my wife then back at me]
wife: “on the rocks means with ice keith”
Picked up a hitchhiker last night. He asked, “How do you know I’m not a serial killer?”
I replied, “The chances of two serial killers in one car is astronomical.”
My (almost) 15 year old cat just ran up and down the hallway 6 times and then jumped the gate to start shit with my dog. I’ve been sitting in the same chair since I woke up.
They say olive oil is really healthy and you should put it on everything, but it makes my cat look like an otter.
there are smart kids. Then there are my kids heating popsicles up in the microwave.
Please don’t leave that cake alone with me
Just saw two identical twins out in public together. No disrespect to that lifestyle but please keep it private
Then: I will never lie to my children
Now: Your teacher just called and said that if you let me lay on the couch all day then you get 100% in class.
With the money I found in the dryer, the girl in me says buy chocolate and candy, but the adult in me says buy beer, chocolate and candy.
Good morning, Twitter x
DM from random dude: “Show me your bobs.”
Me: sends pics of my last 7 haircuts.
I asked my 4 yr old if he was excited to be in his Uncle’s wedding To which he responded “yeah and I can’t wait to be the ring bear I have been practicing” and then proceeded to get on all fours and growl loudly at me. No plans to correct his understanding of his role
I know this is only our second date, Susan, and maybe I’m moving too fast, but I’d like permission to rename your cat.
Teacher: Who knows what Pennsylvania is famous for?
5: Pencils. Duh.
[Diner]
Waitress: Cops, and kids 5 and under eat for free
*me, discreetly nudging my 6 year-old*
my 6 year-old: im a police
Give a man a plane ticket and he’ll fly for a day.
Push a man out of a plane and he’ll fly for the rest of his life.
My 7yr old fell and I wanted to say “Are you okay? Be careful.” Instead it came out at as “Are you careful?” That answer would be an obvious no.
Toddlers wait until you’re at your breaking point to lean in for a hug and headbutt you right in the eye socket.
Do you think it’s possible to train a hedgehog to walk up an down the table with cubes of cheese on it’s spikes? I’m giving a dinner party.
Me: Haven’t shaved for two days. Do I look like McDreamy?
Wife: You look like McHomeless.
We’d never met, or even spoken, but I could tell just from gazing into her pale blue eyes I had stepped on her toe.
My 5 yo aimlessly wandering around the living room looking for the remote muttering “why is this commercial so long?” is the embodiment of what society has become.
To the person that stole my glasses.
I will find you, I have contacts.
No you shut up 😂🥳
My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.
In order to get my nephews up and ready for church in a timely manor, I told them we were going to Disneyland…
They’ll be SO surprised!
The person in the hotel room above me appears to be getting their 10,000 steps for the day in RIGHT NOW
3: I DON’T NEED YOU!!
Me: *already booking 1 ticket to the Bahamas*