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advocating for yourself is so awkward. i wish more professions had agents. i just want a little hype man to meet with my boss and say things like “my client deserves more pay” and “my client is really good at his job” and “i love my client so much does he look taller?”
In my defense, I never said that I had “completed the project.” I said that I was “done working on it.” Two totally different things.
Didn’t want cats … had 2 cats.
Didn’t want marriage … got married 2 times.Ok Karma … I’m on to you.
I don’t want a million dollars
did it work
It’s the best dill pickle ever, but the restaurant won’t tell me what kind it is. To what lengths will I go to find out? None.
I was holding the door for an Asian guy and he said “sank you.” So I punched him. Cant believe that he brought up Pearl Harbor lke that
I unfollowed a guy in the Navy; too many sub tweets.
I need an aggressive dog-barking sound on my phone, for whenever anyone knocks on the bathroom door when I’m in there
Remember: It’s not stalking if you don’t see me.
My Mom keeps warning me about talking to strangers on the Internet.
I’m 34 now Mom. I don’t talk to them. I sleep with them.
dads on road-trips be like
A library patron stops in her tracks at the reference desk, studies me, and says: “You’ve gotten a few gray hairs!”
“Yeah, I get one every time there’s something I want to say out loud at work but hold it in instead. Oops, there’s a new one.”
When they told you to ‘seek attention’, they meant ‘medical’, not ‘internet’, psychopath.
Me, to myself: you are your harshest critic and no one else will notice your face is breaking out
3: Mommy! Is that a pimple? Is that a pimple? Wow, you have so many pimples! They’re everywhere!
I have an idea for a website where people seeking to share their views and ideas can get together and ignore each other.
Beyonce: ‘Who run the world?’ Generally people who have at least a basic understanding of grammar.
I saw an owl. He stared at me and didn’t fly away. I stared at him and didn’t fly away either.
“Put cheese on it.”
“It’s not-”
“Put cheese on it.”
“Really now, you-”
“Everything gets better with cheese on it.”
“Sir, it’s a BROKEN LEG.”
Dear Ninja Turtles,
Why are you wearing masks? There are no other giant, mutated turtles. No one’s gonna mistake a different turtle for you.
Me, seductively: I can tie the stem in a knot using my tongue 😉
Pumpkin patch owner: Get out
[showing my 4yo a Slinky]
me: look, it’s walking down the stairs
kid: what else can it do
me: literally nothing
Shout-out to smartphones for eliminating tedious tasks from our lives like reading books or watching the road when we drive.
It’s not summer until you put on your bikini and realize it probably wasn’t a good idea to eat 9,000 lbs of skittles, starbursts, and sour patch kids all year.
WIFE: you didn’t use my shampoo again did you?
ME: *shakes my head no but my lustrous hair gives me away*
[at Super Bowl party]
Age 24: LET’S GET DRUNK
Age 34: LET’S PARTAAAAY, but only until 8pm because I work tomorrow
Age 44: EVERYONE BE QUIET THE COMMERCIALS ARE ON
My son just suggested a foundation to bring young tortoises to important events so that 150 years later people can say “this tortoise witnessed Biden’s inauguration” etc
Everyone romanticizes the past until they get horribly sick and wake up covered in leeches.
The block button is just the adult version of sticking your fingers in your ears and repeating “I can’t hear you” over and over
“You always overreact and make things dramatic. It’s really annoying.”
*raises megaphone to lips*
How so?
2032:: Scientists force bees and birds to mate, just for kicks.
2033: The Bumblehawks reign supreme.