You did. You thought of vanilla with meat, you absurd rutabaga. Go put yourself in the corner and think about what you’ve done, while blaming the recipe author for your own stupidity.
(Recipe was for Hamburger Steak with Onions and Gravy)
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Trumpy Cat
Just told my sleeping husband I lost two lbs, to which he replied, with his eyes still closed, “I’ll help you find them. We’ll look later”
How am I supposed to “act my age” when I’ve never been this age before now?
How can my wife’s hands not open a jar of pickles in the day, but become superhuman vice-grips at night when I want some covers?
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is if you get too drunk at the bar you can just carry it home.
Out of the blue, HR forced us all to review our workplace sexual harassment training.
The office holiday party is next week.
Coincidence?
Why have an affair when you can so easily ruin your marriage by remodeling the kitchen?
[Hide and seek]
Police officer: how long has he been missing?
Wife: a few hours
Police officer: describe him
Wife: 5′ 10, brown hair *raises voice* and he hates dogs
Me from the bushes: no he doesn’t
I just had the best argument in my head and I cannot wait until someone pisses me off.
Forgot to get McDonald’s after my son’s dr appt to take back to school with him and now CPS just kicked down my door
Showed my mom a pic of a guy I thought was hot and she said he looked just like my dad when he was young and now Christmas is ruined
DATE: I want someone who can cook
ME: [fully aware that I eat waffles while they are still frozen] I love cooking
If Christian Bale has never cancelled a date and said “sorry to Bale on you” then I don’t think he is living life to the fullest.
BOSS: Can I see you in my office?
INVISIBLE-MAN: [sigh] I don’t know how many more ways I can explain this to you
Martin Shkreli has been arrested. Bail will be set, then quickly raised to an amount he can’t possible afford.
no, archaeologists cannot determine a person’s sex purely from their skeleton. but they CAN determine if you regularly shot an english longbow, which is much more important.
Told someone what city I live in.
“Oh are you married to a doctor?”
“No. My husband is though.”
Sorry I’m breaking up with you but you have terrible taste in women
[Zoom meeting with boss while working from home]
Boss: I need you to finish your projec-
[4 kids run by me. One is on fire, one is naked, 2 are in ski masks]
Boss: Never mind
Do you know who REALLY gets irony?
Skydiving schools.
Cuz you gotta drop out to graduate!
*releases mic to float down on tiny parachute*
Had a little meltdown at work yesterday, so the upside is that everyone will be afraid to talk to me for awhile.
“Jurassic Park” is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
Establish dominance. Never let a dog lick you first
NyQuil the daytime drive your car into a ditch cold medicine.
Don’t call me “Dad”, please call me by my professional title, “Half-Eaten Food Connoisseur Broken Toy Engineer Butt-Wipeologist”.
Hey look! They named a candy after you!
*points to Dum Dums*
ME: help theres a burglar in my home
911: a what?
ME: a burglar
911: a burglar?
ME: yes burglar
911: who says burglar? lmao
BURGLAR: lol “oH No a bUrGLaR”
911: haha thats exactly what he sounds like
[after wife gives birth]
wife: he has your eyes
me: [nurses holding me back] give me back my eyes you thief baby
I hope God rethinks his decision to allow an intern to run celebrity deaths in 2016.
What if you’re only given pork to eat in the afterlife? Would that be eternal hamnation?