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I’m not a god.
I’m a regular guy who just happens to be immortal and perfect in every way.
There’s a difference.
“My parents are supporting my blue check for the first few years of marriage but then gonna start paying myself.”
As my mother-in-law and I fight to the death for her son’s love, I sometimes think to myself, “This may be the worst prize ever.”
Who’s Rudolph’s favourite pop star?
Beyon-sleigh.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
I’m 53 years old unless I’m driving at night in the rain. Then I’m 107.
Trains delayed due to:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Sarcastic swan
ME: Please don’t make me do this.
WIFE: We have no choice, we’re behind on the mortgage.
ME: Hey, Kevin, can we borrow $2000?
MY 11-YEAR OLD SON WHO MAKES $40k A MONTH PLAYING DOTA 2: Who’s Kevin?
ME: (sigh) Hey, DongKnocker420Yeeeeet, can we borrow $2000?
Every house has this drawer
[self checkout]
daaaaang i look good
90% of your body is water. 6% is delusion. 4% is lies.
They named it Galaxy Note because when you take this thing out of your pocket, the entire Galaxy can note that it’s been taken out.
(my very first day as President)
Alright folks here’s the deal, we’re gonna turn the volume of motorcycles down a skosh
[In Bed]
Her: You feeling spicy tonight?
Me: Imma be honest. At best I’m a Honey BBQ on the Buffalo Wild Wings chart.
Can I buy you a drink?
“I don’t drink.”
*panics* Oh. Um…well, here’s $12.
ME: I’m anti-murder
MURDERER: Wow, that’s narrow-minded
If you’re having a bad day, it’s because Mercury is in ketosis.
[texting my fiancé the night before our wedding] are we still on for tomorrow
Never ask a shepherd how many sheep he owns, I don’t think he’d know, he probably falls asleep every time he takes inventory.
Have you tried soaking yourself in rice to fix your problems?
~ Me as a therapist
“Having oatmeal for breakfast so I can get paid to poop at work.”
– Capitalism baby
Rosetta Stone says they’ll have me speaking another language in a month. Babbel says one week. But this bourbon only takes, like, an hour.
Honk if you love Jesus. Text while driving if you’d like to meet Him.
What can you do when your in-laws give uncomfortably long hugs while greeting you?
Search their pockets. You might want to ask if they’re carrying anything sharp like knives or needles.
I know that now.
if i pay $15 for a bottle of water at a concert or a sporting event, i better drown
Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
It’s bullshit that you can accidentally make a baby, but not something awesome like a soufflé.
goals for 2016:
1) spend more time with my son
2) learn about his fav video games
3) defeat him
4) become video game household champion
You look like the type of guy to put the “lotion” in “relotionship”.
You also look like a bad speller.
oh my gosh!!
I was bummed that I didn’t have any candy then I remembered I can take probably 90% of small children in a fight